Suggestions Needed About Givin Him Space

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Suggestions Needed About Givin Him Space
6
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 2:58pm
I’ve been seeing my MM for 18 months. He's been M for 7yrs, no kids. I'm D. We’ve had quite the emotional ride at times and it has been difficult because we work together. Last month he told me has was having a tough time dealing with things at home after he would leave me,and that he was confused,so there were a few times we would just be together to spend time together w/no sex. I began to wonder what was up b/c we would be almost naked and then nothing. Then he says that I shouldn’t wait for him that he wasn’t sure what his future held. I told him I was ok w/that. Then a week later he told me he didn’t see us as having a future together but didn't say why. I told him that was ok as well,that I realized we were just friends having sex. He didn’t seem to like hearing it like that and wanted me to explain why I said that. So then I was confused. He then said that maybe we should just get back to a strict working relationship only. Then a few days later he comes over and we have sex. Just last weekend he came over we got almost naked again, but no sex. And then yesterday he started talking about finally getting a divorce. I am so completely confused now I don’t have a clue what to do or what to say. I’m afraid to say anything that might scare him. I’m not even sure if he knows what he wants and doesn’t want any longer. Should I just back away and let him come to me when he wants and needs me? I’ve offered to be there if he needs me. I enjoy spending time with him so much and I’m constantly inviting him over. What do you think is going through his mind? I guess I need some suggestions so I don’t scare him or put unknown pressure on him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2003
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 3:19pm
NYBlonde,

He sounds very counfused, and that he's going through some difficult times. My best guess is that he is really debating things over and over in his mind, and evaluating whether he wants to continue in his marriage. That your MM doesn't have kids is a good thing, as that would no doubt make things even more confusing for him.

I don't know what kind of advice other posters will give you, but if it were me, I'd stay the course as you are - keep being warm, open, understanding. Enjoy the time you have with him, do not make demands. Although it may feel like his confusion has being going on for some time, and it surely hard for you to deal with, it's only been 1 month out of the 18 you've been together. Try to hold on to that fact!

Stay strong -- I know it's tough!

Emmy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 5:51pm
Thanks emmy. I try to stay tough but he makes it so difficult.One minute he's telling me not to wait,to date,to enjoy life,then next he gets jealous when I talk too much to a single co-worker.I have never demanded anything from him. He told me once that I asked for more than he could give me,and it was merely just time to be with him.I never thought asking to spend an hour or two with him once a week or so was too much. Then I think it freaks him out b/c I look forward to seeing him and having sex,whereas his wife didn't want anything to do with sex after they were married. He's bright,successful,handsome,and caring.But you're right he does sound confused unless somehow it is a very good game he's playing to keep me guessing and off-balance.I just don't know what to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 7:24pm
I know I am wasting my breath here, but oh well. This guy is clearly very conflicted about you, and there is not a thing you can do to change it. What he is thinking is all over the map - he has no idea what he wants or what he is going to do, so he probably is going to do nothing. What can you do? Nothing. Just enjoy your time with him, and if you can't enjoy it because it is too complicated and makes you think too much, then end it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 7:26pm
Being jealous of you and other guys is NOT inconsistent with him wanting you to date and not wait for him. He may know in his heart that he can never marry his OW, but he may also have conflicting feelings that make him feel possessive of you. Neither is inconsistent with the other. You are "confused" by him because you aren't taking it all as a WHOLE. Instead, you are taking what he says and does in individual doses, in a vacuum. You should look at the whole, not the parts.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 9:15pm
How can a man feel possessive of someone that he could be with, yet chooses not to be with? And why tell me not to wait and that we won't have a future then a little later switch gears and say that he's seeing a lawyer about his divorce. Yet he didn't say anything about changing his mind about our future, he just talked about getting his divorce. I'm not sure if he didn't say anything about our future b/c I told him our relationship was fine the way it was and that may have confused him as well. Or maybe he doesn't know himself what he wants.

Overall I feel like just sitting back, letting him come to me when he's ready and get off this merry-go-round. But there's the chance he won't come to me. And I seem to always worry about saying the wrong thing. He tells me to control my emotions and I do, then he does something to get me going again, almost a test to see if I still care or how much I'll put up with. It drives me crazy sometimes, but the majority of the time it's a good relationship. Just confusing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 11:09pm
It is confusing because you ALLOW it to be. As I said in my earlier post - you need to look at the WHOLE, not the individual parts. In other words, you look at his possessiveness and his non-commitalness and say that they are inconsistent. I say that they are QUITE consistent - with a man who doesn't know what he wants. It is not confusing at all. He is quite stereotypical actually.

And who hasn't been jealous when they see someone they COULD have had with someone else? I sure have! Don't you have guy friends who have wanted to date you and who you have rejected, but when they tell you about their girlfriends, you feel jealous? There is nothing weird or contradictory about your MM's behavior on this front.

As for his up and down/getting a divorce/don't wait for me yo-yo-ing, well, again, if you look at each moment, each behavior, sure it is confusing. But if you look at it as a whole, it adds up perfectly: the man is ambivalent. He is not going anywhere or doing anything other than keeping you AND his wife around. Nothing wrong with that as long as YOU don't require him to commit to you.

As for the possibility that his responses to you are based on some fear of your rejection of a more committed relationship with him.....puhleeze. Do you REALLY actually think that he is afraid you don't want a more commited relationship with him???? hahaha. You have to be kidding. You are kidding, right?

More seriously and importantly, you say that you are afraid that he wouldn't come to you if you hung back and waited to see what happens. Well, what do you think that means? If he hung back, would you sit and wait and let it all pass by? I don't think so. If a guy really likes a gal, he will pursue her. If the continuation of your relationship requires you to continue pursuing him, then what is it really worth?

Blonde, are you single? If you are single, ditch this guy and find someone available.