New Update

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
New Update
8
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 6:58am
Well, after 8 days, I finally saw my friend, he came to see me at work. He has ended things with OW, but he is still seperated from his W, but trying to work things out with her. I amazed byself by not jumping into his arms, lol. I was quite composed. I did tell him however, that no matter what happens I will always be his friend, and then he made me laugh by saying, "I will always be here even if you never leave d**k head", I did

laugh, and I said, "Well, I can say the same." I just wonder, why, if he was so concerned about me leaving my H, then why didn't call me when we were seperated? I did tell him too, that H is really trying and right now I cannot justify myself leaving. We still have our ups and downs, after all a tiger doesn't change his stripes over night.

It was so good to see MM, I was worried about him since he was so depressed the last time I saw him. But I am trying to keep my distance, and concentrate on H instead, but it is hard.

itty

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
In reply to: ittybrat2
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 11:35am
itty,

I'm glad to hear that you are calm, composed, and more or less in control. Good for you, itty!

I'm just curious though, as far as H is concerned, is there any resentment on your part? I was wondering if you feel obliged to make an effort where he is concerned, and if that could cause you to resent him in any way.

Are you taken the initiative or is it just H? Maybe you need to push yourself a little bit to get interested -- whether it be in the bedroom or elsewhere -- maybe that will trigger a different reaction out of H -- something unexpected and something new and exciting. Who knows?

We are all pulling for you!

Hugs to you,

Alameda

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
In reply to: ittybrat2
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 12:23pm
Itty, I'm glad to see you're doing ok. I was wondering about you since I haven't seen any posts in awhile.

Sounds like you've got things under control! I hope things continue to work out for you.

Celtic

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
In reply to: ittybrat2
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 6:53pm
I just haven't been on line for a bit, my H got hurt at work, nothing to serious thankfully, but he was on light duty at work, on a differnt shift. So, I'm still around, thanx for asking, celtic!!

hugs,

itty

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
In reply to: ittybrat2
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 7:02pm
I think that I am taking more of an initiative than H is, I even went to counseling by myself this week, because he was mad, and said he didn't need it, that I have more problems than he does so I should just go. (This after he woke me up and screamed at me because I didn't jiggle the handle on the toilet, of all things.) Hmmmph. I'm not the one who yells and screams and calls people names all the time. As for resentment, yeah, sometimes I do resent him, or more like I resent his treatment of me. He can be spiteful and mean at times. I am trying my best because my M is important to me. And for some crazy reason I still love my H. I am working through these issues in counseling and I am hopeful, but if he doesn't try too I don't see much sense, except the satisfaction that I have in knowing I am trying. (Does that make sense?) At other times he can be real sweet and loving, and these are the times that make it all worth it.

Hugs,

itty

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ittybrat2
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 7:57pm
Hi Itty!

Yes, that made sense to me, lol. As long as you are happy in trying, Itty, and it doesn't become a chore. ANY relationship has ups and downs, and you know we always say to go with whichever weighs more - hopefully your ups outweigh the downs.

I don't know why your friend didn't contact you when you were seperated - do you think he was giving you space - that he was looking at it from the outside like you were with his recent situation? Hmmm, he's trying to work things out with W - is it because he loves her do you think - I hope that's the reason.

I'm glad you two can still be friends, even if there is a lapse in communication right now while you both sort out your own relationships (and that's the way it should be I think...if you were to talk to each other about your spouses, that emotional thing would be going on).

Hope H's health is o.k. You have a great weekend!

Hugs,

Meow

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
In reply to: ittybrat2
Sat, 08-09-2003 - 6:00am
Hi Meow,

Yeah, mm told me he was trying to give me sme time to myself. And as for him loving his W, I think he does, or at least cares for her, but he is just terribly unhappy. I honestly think they both are, they have been separated several times over the last few years. Sometimes you can love someone with all your heart, but you just can't live with them. I don't know if this is the case, but something sure is really wrong with their R.

H's health is just fine, he's going back to his regular shift tomorrow.

Hugs,

itty

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
In reply to: ittybrat2
Sat, 08-09-2003 - 4:26pm
hi itty,

It doesn't sound good if H refuses to go to couples counseling because you are the one with more problems...hmmm. Is there anyway you can convince him otherwise? Maybe a "an M is a 2 person job, and I really NEED you there to help ME work thru my probs."

I hate to laugh about the jiggling the toilet incident, but it is so reminscent of the kind of arguments that my B/F would start --I tend to break kitchenware when I do dishes, and, my, he flips everytime...but he has gotten a lot better. We've talked a lot about the importance of our R and the insignificance of broken glasses, for example...I can see in his eyes that he is trying to keep his cool...

Does H know how much it bothers you when he yells/screams about the running toilet? And what happens when you apologize (not that I think an apology is necessary over that)?

When things calm down, maybe you could approach him and ask what exactly he expects from you when he starts yelling about the little things. He needs to be clear as to what is the goal of his tirade. If he wants an apology, then that should put a stop to it when you apologize. He might say "I just want you to remember to...." Well, tell him to put a note on the toilet -- maybe with a heart and smiley face. But let him know that the screaming confuses/angers you/makes you resentful and that it is not helpful to resolve the incredibly INSIGNIFICANT problem.

The above worked incredibly well for me. But my B/F is a softy so that could have a lot to do with it.

Hugs to you,

Alameda



iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
In reply to: ittybrat2
Sat, 08-09-2003 - 10:26pm
We are supposed to go to counseling again on Monday, he hasn't mentioned it, and I may bring it up. He needs it as much as I do, I think that I am not the only one with issues, and my counselor agreed. I told him that I was sorry for not jiggling the handle on the toilet, but I am still waiting for an apology from him for going into such a tirade over such a ridiculous thing. (But I'm not holding my breath.) This has been a bad habit of his since forever, he yells about every little thing. Book bags or shoes on the floor, the dog on the couch, you get my drift. But when he starts calling names,

that's what really hurts. I think he feels that he needs to be in control of his world and when he feels like he isn't then he gets angry. But I don't need it, and I told him that. One of the reasons I had my past EMA is because H made me feel so bad about myself, and OM made me feel so good about myself. I don't want to fall into that again. I want H to make me feel good, like he is supposed to! If my M fails, it won't be for the lack of trying on my part.

Hugs,

itty

P.S. Boy I am glad I got that off my chest!