Oh good god Help!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Oh good god Help!!!
14
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 9:12am
So, I've written on here about my flirtatious friend and my messed up marriage. Well I've been very good about avoiding him. Three weeks with NC.

Yeah, that was until last night. A group of us including H went out. I met H at the bar so we both had our cars there. H and I are sitting around waiting for the rest of our friends to arrive. I didn't know OM was out too, but then there he was, looking funny in a cute sort of way with this silly hat on. He sat on the opposite side of the table as far away from me as possible and we didn't make any eye contact.

When H was ready to leave, I didn't feel I was safe to drive yet because I'd drank two beers and I didn't have any dinner. I wanted to have some water and wait an hour or so to make sure I was safe to drive. (I'm pretty anal about not driving drunk.) He left for home and I stayed with our friends.

But around 11 I decided I was good to go home.

OM decided to walk me to my car since I was parked a couple of blocks away in a parking lot behind a couple of businesses. I know I should have said no, and told him I would be fine on my own, but I didn't. :(

We get out to the car and he tried to kiss me, I didn't let him. God knows I wanted to more than anything, but I told him flat out I won't cheat on my H. He said he knows and he doesn't want to cheat on his girlfriend either. I'm telling you though the sexual tension between the two of us is insane!!

We wound up talking until after 1 a.m. sitting around in the parking lot. Just about stupid stuff, like college war stories, and favorite disney characters etc. He knows our friends are going to talk and say something about how we walked out together and he never came back in. About the only saving grace I can think of is one couple we are friends with were parked in the same parking lot and saw us sitting around talking. We we sitting on the ground with plenty of personal space inbetween us and it was obvious we weren't up to anything naughty.

UGH!!! If only I was a happy wife this wouldn't be a problem. But I'm not, and I'm lonely and I'm horny as hell and this friend is sexy and funny and charming and God help me but I want him more than I can ever remember wanting any man in my life!!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 9:31am
Listen to Mindy McCready's "Ten Thousand Angels"...it sound like you could have used them!

Liberal

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 9:53am
Yeah, I need a whole legion of angels right now.

The worst part about it too is, as much as I have been trying to play it off as just flirting and fun, I really am starting to have feelings for this guy.

I honestly have never cheated or been tempted to cheat on a relationship before. I know I'm unhappy in my marriage and that I regret ever saying I do and I've shared this with my H. Our problems have nothing to do with OM. Its more like OM has just got bad timing.

Ugh!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 11:58am
Celtic,

You say OM has nothing to do with your unhappy M, and that is probably true -- but don't you think that YOUR attraction to him is directly related to YOUR unhappiness with YOUR M?

I know that when things are going well for me, I never even think twice about guys that are attractive. I feel safe, secure, and even if I flirt a little bit -- it is innocent as I know where I am going at the end of the night...more importantly, I know where I want to go at the end of the night...you know what I mean?

If the above is true, then maybe that will help you gain control of your feelings -- look at them for what they are -- you aren't happy, you feel unsatisfied, desire for H is nil. It feels good that OM wants you. It probably makes you feel sexy, lovable, and all of the rest...

And maybe that is a big part of what is wrong with your R with H...do you feel like a seductress at home? Do you feel attractive, desired by H? If you don't, maybe you need to break the routine at home, do things at out of the ordinary...

I may be way off, as I have no idea what the probs are in your M -- but know that if you were happy with H, OM probably wouldn't seem so dangerous...

Good luck, sweetie!

Alameda



iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 12:19pm
Alameda you are exactly right. If things were right at home this wouldn't be an issue.

You are also right that OM makes me feel sexy and desired and lovable and all of those wonderful things.

My M problems started long before I meet OM. My M is aweful because my H desived me. After we got married I started to learn and continue to learn about the number of lies he told me and the consequences that come with them.

Not to mention that since getting married 10 months ago we've had sex maybe 8 or 9 times. I've tried everything I can think of from waiting for him to initate to stripping down naked in front of him and asking him flat out for sex. He calls woman who have sex out of wedlock sluts and whores. I wasn't a virgin on my wedding night and H knows that.

When and if we do have sex its very machanical and he will only do it in missionary position. I've tried to ask him to change positions or switch things up, even take it out of the bedroom but he won't do anything. Calls me a freak when I suggest it.

We've talked about it over and over and all of our other issues too. We've been in counseling together. I'm in counseling for myself now. He tells me he just needs more time to change and that he's trying. I'm trying different things at home, but there is no love left in my heart for this man. How can I trust my H and love him when he openly admits to me that he manipulates me to get me to do what he wants?

So OM offers me what's lacking. Not just the physical part either. We enjoy each others company, laugh together, I smile and feel more like myself. Even my friends comment about what a different person I am when H is around, and how much happier I am when he is not. Regardless of if OM is there or not.

I just know that this isn't me, I'm not this person, I don't do these kind of things. Yes, I've got my wild side like anyone else, but I'm as loyal as a puppy. Loyal to a fault! And yet last night when OM went to kiss me I almost didn't stop him. Our lips actually brushed a little before I got a hold of my senses and turned away. And today all I can think about is how good it felt to be in his arms like that. To feel whole again, to feel like an important piece of me that's been beaten down for almost 4 years in my relationship with H could finally come back to life!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 2:38pm
Celtic,

Geez! I'm sorry...I don't quite know what to say in response to that one. I don't know what point you are at with H, but have you told him that you are not going to continue with him if things don't change? Maybe he doesn't see the seriousness of the problems?

If he loves you so much, then why does he criticize you in such a belittling manner? Do NOT put up with that -- those are signs for a long and hard road ahead...think about your self-esteem, self-worth, etc. Personally, I think name calling, even as minor as 'freak' is abusive, period. The fact that you said "beaten down for almost 4 years" suggests that may very well be how you feel...

Do you think your M is reparable? And if so, do you want to repair it? Those are questions only you can answer, but I don't think you should wait forever with the hope that things will work out/get better/or that H will becoming the loving and understanding H that you need and deserve.

Keep your strength! We are on your side!

Alameda

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 6:36pm
I have to agree with Alameda on not hanging on. I hung on for 5 years to a verbaly and emotionaly controling man for 5 years. Then we split and after two years remarried. That lasted 6 years and I left again, by now having 5 kids with me. But as hard as it gets sometimes I don't for one minute regret leaving. I was so low on self esteem, and so missed myself, that I was dreaming of suicide. I knkow not all of us get that bad, but the point is he won't change, mine didn't and we went to councling too. Every councilor (3) said the same thing, they rarely change. So yes timeing can really suck!! but don't let that stop you from being friends and deciding what you want to do.

Melanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 7:19pm
Boy, do I know exactly where you are coming from, mm makes me feel the same way!! But I won't go for the gold, even though my instincts tell me we could be soooo great together, it is just not the right time for us and maybe never will be. I also know what it is like to be belittled and put down, it isn't easy. Right now I am working on my m, (as you know), but I am also working on myself. Also if your H wants a virgin, (by the way, was he a virgin when you married?) then he is going to be hard pressed to find one these days. My H certainly wasn't my first, and neither was my exH.

Just wanted to let you know that soemone understands, except for the sex part, my H always wants that! Sometimes he even makes me feel like that is all I am good for.

Big hugs!!

itty

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2003
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 10:11pm
To Celtic:

I have to tell you, when I read your story I saw myself. I've been w/H for 22 years, married for 19 and have just woken up from the low self-esteem that this relationship has caused. Please don't do what I've done and wait that long to take care of yourself. It gets harder and harder to figure out how to get out. I know that's what I want but can't seem to get to the next step because it's all I've known for so long.

My MM and I never got physical, either. He has children and wouldn't do anything to hurt them which I had to respect. We don't have much contact any longer but I look at him as the catalyst that made me re-examine my life. We could talk about anything and he made me feel amazing which made me realize that there are other types of men and different types of relationships out there. I have no idea what I'll do to change things but I do know that I want change.

I guess what I'm trying to say is don't be me and wake up 22 years later and wish you'd done something differently. Find a way to do it now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 08-09-2003 - 1:28pm
Hi Kottn,

I read *your* post and saw myself, lol. I'm laughing not at the situation, but that you read Celtics post and saw yourself, while I read your post and saw myself. I know there are many women and even some men that have experienced this type of relationship, and those that haven't can't understand why one doesn't just do something about it.

I do believe my EMA was my catalyst (short history, H asked for D, I found out he'd had EMAs throughout 20+ years of marriage, H's been disrespectful, controlling and abusive) because it caused me to look at relationships closer. I realised that I've allowed what happened in my marriage...someone on the board actually said that to me, and I'll be honest that it was hard for me to swallow because I considered that it meant I was weak in allowing control, disrespect, etc. Well, yeah, it was a weak spot for me - we all have weak spots, but we have to remember we have strength too. While I was scared to stand up to H because of the long-time disrespect, abuse, etc. I also realised that alot of it was in my head (mind games - I allowed what he said/did to sink in and allowed myself to feel like trash).

Because I knew I had allowed his seeds to grow in my mind and cause low self-esteem and etc., I realised I could plant my own seeds in my subsconscious. Seeds of what I wanted now and what I want in life. Luckily I have good friends in life who value who I really am, and have had good friends on this board who value who I am - I pulled out the roots of what H said and replaced it with what my friends said to help re-build my self esteem. Not that what someone else thinks should matter, but more in respect of a validation of how I saw myself.

I knew what I wanted, where I wanted to be, but I didn't know how to get there. I was scared - partly of change (didn't trust my own judgment), partly of abuse (mostly mental), partly due to low self esteem. I was stuck until I started planting my own seeds. I started out slowly, broke the steps down - and with each little thing I accomplished, I regained trust of my own judgement and self esteem. I kept positive with the support of MM and friends and that helped build my self esteem and strength. From there, it started snowballing and I didn't stop to analyze, just went with what I wanted. I'm proud of myself for standing up to H and not giving in - I realize because he's controlling and abusive he has his own weakness and the control and abuse covers up his insecurities. Once he saw I would not give in on certain things, he *had* to compromise. Because I didn't go to the other extreme of allowing abuse (I'm not a *victim*, therefore I didn't want revenge or to be vindictive), I also compromised without giving up what I wanted. Because I didn't want revenge (H kicked to the curb, lol!), I was realistic in what would happen in the divorce/custody - my expectations were not set unrealistically high and I am exactly where I want to be.

Of course I'm not completely healed or healthy - I'm still in my EMA and to be honest even though I love MM, and it's good for me now, I have to think it won't be healthy for me to continue with MM forever. But you know, I'm not gonna pick it apart and analyze - I'll just keep planting positive seeds and someday may feel like I want to weed out my EMA (horrible analogy, I know, but I'm keeping with the theme, lol).

Well, lol, I find I write novel responses when I've wanted to get something off my chest. Thanks for letting me spill - and I hope it helps in some way.

Know you have strength and you CAN get to where you want to be. If you need support along the way - we are here to hold your hand.

Meow



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 08-09-2003 - 1:42pm
Oh Good Grief Celtic! I KNOW what you are talking about - that insane attraction!

Well, I knew my M was ending, so I had no qualms in jumping into my EMA.

But, where are you - what do you want with H, or not? You know from reading on this board of the rollercoaster of emotions just in an EMA, let alone dealing with the emotions in a M. If you jump into an EMA, is that going to complicate and confuse what you want to do in your M?

I've read your subsequent posts and understand about the sex with H (BTDT), and I was glad to read you've been to counselling. I don't think you will really know if you can handle an EMA while sorting out the issues in your M until you are actually there. I guess the question you need to ask yourself if you are debating this, is are you willing to take the risk - the risk to your balance, emotional health, what you want or not in your M, etc.

There's also the aspect that while an EMA can be wonderful, sigh!, it is only a temporary fix, and eventually you will be right back to where you were (but with the addition of an EMA and what that brings - emotionally - to consider).

We can all say don't do it! or go for it!, but only you know what you can handle. Not much help, I know, but whatever you do, we're here for you.

Hugs,

Meow

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