Pulling back

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Pulling back
8
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 11:46am
Just wondering if most of the women out there experience this intense kind of 'push and pull' with their MM. My MM seems to open up emotionally at times, and when I respond to him, he pulls back. Does anyone else experience this often? Any guys out there who can tell me why? I think I know why (it's not too hard to figure out), but I think I would like to hear some other experiences or perspectives. Thanks!


Edited 8/8/2003 11:49:05 AM ET by charlotte1203

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2003
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 1:04pm
I have been a lurker here for awhile now. Let me just say that I experience this in my A all the time. There are days (like yesterday) when we are on the phone constanly and meet for lunch( no sex). Then we go back to days like today, when I just get a morning call, see him at the office, and then maybe not here from him until I leave work. Let me give you a little bit of background. I have been in my A for almost 5 years now. We (most of the time) talk throughtout the day alot and even on the weekends some (when we can). When MM pulls back it makes me crazy wondering why. If you find the answer, please share it with me. I guess I am no help, but just wanted you to know that it never gos away. And let me add that we have wonderful communication most of the time but when we have a day like today, it almost makes me crazy. But I will tell you that when I try not to dwell on it, he comes around and is usually something on his mind from home that he just hasn't shared with me yet. Just give him time, that is the best thing to do.

Good luck!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 1:54pm
To me, it's simple.

These guys are constantly having a moral struggle with what they are doing.

Think about it. They are married or committed to someone yet share emotional/physical relationships with other women. As it gets deeper/closer/more serious, they pull back because of guilt, fear, etc.

How is this confusing? I'm not being a smart a$$, it's just so obvious to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 5:45pm
That's funny -- I don't remember saying I was confused. Just looking for some similiar experiences. I said myself that it is not hard to figure out. Lighten up.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 6:18pm
Yes I have expereinced that too. In fact for the last two years this has been going on. We started out as boss;emplyee and then friends for quiet awhile. We then fought the attraction for 18 months and then he gave in. That went well for 3 months and he pulled back saying he felt more guilty about the emotionaly infadelity than the physical. He sites guilt and the fact that he wants to hang on to the "family" thing. I ended it because I got tired of the roller coaster and when he wouldn't make a desicion I felt he had made one. We can't seem to stop being friends and talk on the phone from time to time. I can't see how his marraige can work but people hang on for years to a dead horse. So to answer your question I think I would say guilt, and confusion. Good luck, I so know where you are.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 7:30pm
Hi,

I'm the one who jumps in and pulls back in the relationship. (I am M, he is S.) It is mainly due to guilt, to my need for time to sort things out. OM is patient, understanding and gives me room. It works every time. I come running back as soon as I realize what's eating at me and I get over it. If OM pushed or pried, I'd go running off, sreaming into the night.

Pug

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Sun, 08-10-2003 - 10:12pm
Hi Charlotte: I am not a guy, but I'll share my thoughts. I have been in my EMA for over 2 years. At the beginning, MM pulled away a lot more often. It drove me crazy! We finally said the "L word" 4 months ago. Both felt it for a long time..we just move a little slowly. Since then, the pulling away has stopped. When I asked MM why he waited so long to tell me that he loved me his response was " I didn't want to lead you on" . (We have already made it clear that we could never be together.) At that moment the light came on for me. I think that he pulled back when things got too emotional, when he felt too close to me, started loving me. I think that he tried to stop it from happening so he wouldn't hurt me. Now that we admitted our feelings, there is no reason for him to stop the emotions.

I understand where you are coming from... it is frustrating and it hurts like hell!

Hugs to you

RH.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2003
Sun, 08-10-2003 - 11:17pm
Well, I definitely know the push and pull method. One week MM will call me every day of the week and talk forever, then the next week I won't hear from him!! Totally sucks!! I don't understand either!! Why? Do they try to hurt us or confuse us? Don't know.... We definitely need a mans perspective as to why they do this to us. Or, I guess even a married woman that cheats on her husband. Maybe women do it too!! Who knows!!!

Good luck!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-11-2003 - 1:50am
Hullo Charlotte,

To be honest, MM & I both pull back. We both need breaks to keep our heads clear and to keep a perspective - to stay "real".

You know, I don't know that men necessarily "compartmentalize". I know MM thinks of me even when we aren't together, just as he does of his children, parents, W, etc. when he isn't with them - and just as he thinks about work when he isn't at work - and just as he thinks about food when he isn't hungry. Although he can be focused on what he is doing, his subconscious can play out a memory that triggers him to think of something else.

It's not good to focus on one thing too long, because one loses focus on other areas in their life. When I start focusing too much on MM, I need to pull back and get a balance - because every aspect in my life is important and deserves it's own time.

Just my two cents, according to my own experience.

Meow