Who's gotten caught?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Who's gotten caught?
11
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 8:21pm
Who out there has gotten caught? Who has kept it under wraps?

I'll start: I'm in an LDEMA... H is not suspicious, doesn't sniff around. I've been able to cover my tracks very easily. It's getting to the point that I'm getting lackadaisical and might become sloppy. OM has been good at keeping our secret so far. I hope it all stays this way, as I am terrified of humiliating H.

Other experiences?

Pug

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 9:40pm
Hey Pug,

My first EMA, I didn't hide it, so I got caught.

That's what I wanted... It didn't change a thing

around here except now have H know not to trust

me. I deserve it I guess... But it doesn't stop

me now.

I guess for me now, it's a little easier because

I was caught... I go out and I tell him where I'm

going, (of course I lie..) but he figures since I

got caught, I'm not going to do it again.. I know

he doesn't trust me, and that's why I get asked

a few questions, but I am now great at covering

my tracks.

Well, that's all the experience I have in this area..

Just keep thinking ahead and don't get sloppy!

Since you realize that, it's a good sign that you

will keep on the up and up of things!

Good luck:) ~passion

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 11:03pm
Haven't been caught. Don't you wonder, sometimes, what you would do if you were caught? There were times earlier, when I almost wanted to be caught so I wouldn't have to hide everything all the time. Now, in more rational moments, I always am very careful.

Good Luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 08-09-2003 - 12:04am
Hiya Pug,

We haven't precisely been "caught", but W had been suspicious for a few months, and actually named me to MM. It was nerve-wracking for a while - I wondered at the time if MM would want to end it.

We're more careful now - though there is always the risk. I definitely would not want to get caught...

Be careful!

Meow




iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Sat, 08-09-2003 - 6:13am
My H found out about my past A, but I really believe I wanted him to know. I didn't hide it at all. I think I wanted him to hurt as much as I was hurting. I even told him that. I was very angry and bitter towards my H, but after he found out, it was total chaos. He initially kicked me out, I went and stayed with OM. But I realized while I was there, that OM wasn't really what I wanted, that what I really wanted was for H to notice me and to love me. Well one thing good that came out of it, he doesn't take me for granted any more, or ignore me.

Hugs,

itty

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Sat, 08-09-2003 - 2:05pm
I've not gotten caught, although from time to time, H says something along the lines of if he didn't know better he'd think I was having an affair. And I have been friends with OM for a good while, now, and just in June, when H and I first started having it out about the imminent death of our marriage, H said he thought I cared more for OM than I do for him. But that was as much because he knew I was confiding in OM about my marital troubles and H didn't like it much. (At that point, OM and I had only been physical for a week or so. I really *had* been spending so much time with him because he was my sounding board.)

I think, though, if H were honest with himself, he'd say he knows I'm fooling around on him. I really *don't* want to hurt him and hope that I can keep the A a secret until I move out (hopefully sometime in September!!).

Lucky

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Tue, 08-12-2003 - 8:37am
Caught...no I didn't get caught! But I didn't hide it well at all. OM and I were together all the time when H and I seperated (Om and I had only been physical once before H left) I asked H to come home a million times, this was before he knew about OM and he said NO! His choice. I thought we were finished for good....H had some friends that told him and he asked me about it and I didn't lie! I was honest and up front...BOY was that a mistake! Not the being honest part, but being so honest! I am glad he knows though. I know he has a hard time trusting me and it makes it hard to be able to talk to any other man...H thinks I am gonna do it again, because it was not a matter of love! I should not have said that either...thought that would mak it easier for him to handle...WRONG!

I can't say if I would ever have another A...I have thought about it and if the situation was right...I might...but not right now! H loves me and I love him...in love..I think he is...but I don't think I ever have been! Live and let live right?

Just my two cents! Red

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-12-2003 - 11:40am
I was in my first ema 2 1/2 years into my M (I married at 21). it was with a man at work...now looking back it was more lust than love - but i didnt know that then. I knew I wasnt happy and I was willing to leave my H over it. I got an appartment and told H about the EMA....so I didnt get CAUGHT- i fessed up to it. We ended up going to counciling for 1.5 yrs. and with the pressure from friends and family I stayed with H and did what I thought was the "right thing". Well here I am 13 years later and I am still not satisfied in my M, and I am involved in a LDEMA...as much as you can be involved from LD. I would have to say that H is much more suspisious this time around...he recognizes my mood changes...He has never liked me fidning any amount of happiness that didnt involve him (my own friendships- male or female) He is very insucure- and the only thing keeping me in my M is how he would react if I were to leave....he would be devistated...I believe he doesnt think he would ever find love again...but the idea of getting busted or caught is always on my mind. a very stressful thing to deal with...and you cannot trust anyone with your secret..ever...believe me...you may feel you know someone well but you never can guage how they will react to the concept of an affair...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 08-12-2003 - 12:00pm
I havent been caught but my EMA started when DH and I opened our marriage. DH has absolutely no use for OM because of this so any friendship we had "ceased" when we closed our marriage back up, or atleast DH thinks it did. I was having a hard time with the friendship ending so DH told me he just didnt want to hear about it, hear about what he was doing or anything about him anymore...he never said I couldnt communicate with him any longer. I see OM once a week or so and talk to him almost daily but never so much as mention his name to DH. I honestly dont have any part of me that believes DH is anything but oblivious to my EMA. It works for me and I intend to keep it that way by using superb judgement and covering ALL of the tracks. At best DH or his fiance would maybe be told that we were seen somewhere but OM And I have discussed this and we would absolutely deny, deny, deny...that is the golden rule ya know...they would have to catch us in the act or someone would have to have pictures that couldnt be explained which we are certain to never let happen...fortunately both of our partners would confront us before they would just sneak around being suspicious...I dont think there is anything in this world that would ever make me admit to my EMA...Matter of fact I think I'd deny it even if DH walked in on us shaggin! LOL

Liberal

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Tue, 08-12-2003 - 7:15pm
Hi Pug,

Yes! I've been caught out previously in my EMA... it was about 8 months into it that it all happened. DH and I had been having problems and been going to counselling... I had meet MM online about 10 months or so before and I used to try get on whenever I could to chat to him in the chat room or even during the day on ICQ. I guess I was careless and didn't cover everthing... although I passworded my ICQ, this made DH suspicious and he downloaded a programe to crack into it and found many a conversation with MM.

He confronted me in a counselling session and armed with a little too much information... I could not deny it and basically shrugged my shoulders to the whole situation. I was in fact, this very counselling session going to ask for a trial separation... I'd been through everything and was determined... it was not for MM but for me... MM would only be there as a friend. DH however said that it was either I go and go for good or I stay and work on my marriage... as I wasn't prepared to completely walk away... I was still going to work on us while separated... I chose to stay as I did not want DH to think I was leaving for another man.

That was over 2 years ago now... 3 years on and I'm still seeing the same MM... he knows all and would have walked away at anytime I asked... but I never did and he's still here and still telling me to be careful... which these days... I am!

I changed the way I handled things... I no longer spend time at night on the pc and leave my emails to MM for during the day... I'm not trying to avoid sex... although I do at times ;) and I make sure that we spend plenty of time as a family. I don't believe that I give DH anything to be suspect over.

Sweet

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-14-2003 - 2:47pm
i was caught because i did something so stupid i cannot believe it myself. for a short period of time (a couple of months - only 8 entries) i kept a diary about meeting my MM and how i was feeling about both my Rs. apparently MM and i were acting a little too warmly toward each other in social situations and BF became suspicious so he started looking through stuff at home. that stupid diary was buried in the back of my unused closet under 2' of school papers and he found it. i threw it in there when i was changing work bags and just forgot about it. stupid, stupid move....

anyway, he finally confronted me with the "A" and i denied the entire thing. told him i made it up and wrote that stuff because i was so unhappy with him and had this fantasy going in my head. after an entire week of discussion and crying and yelling, he finally accepted my explanation and we moved on. i agreed to limit our social life with MM and his W (we are all friends) so BF and i could get back on track.

a good by-product evolved from that fiasco -- BF and i talked about all our issues and many of them are being resolved and/or worked on. not perfect, but getting there. some things will never change, but that's a fact of life when you love someone. you have to accept the things you cannot change and live with that fact or get out of the R/M.

and my MM knows all of this and stayed with our A. in fact, it's more involved than ever. we just recently told each other the dreaded "love" word. and we are more careful about contact, eye or physical, when we are together. MM and i stay connected every day, even if it's a voicemail message on our cells. we don't use the computer at all to communicate. he can't because of his job.

life goes on....

gurl

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