Sex with H -- how do you do it??

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Sex with H -- how do you do it??
23
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 9:53pm
I have been trying every excuse possible NOT to have Sex with my H. In all honesty I am not at all turned on by him... we barely kiss anymore( my choice) and if we do - it is one of those antiseptic closed mouth kind of kiss. I have used every excuse in the book to avoid the sex... which is difficult since he is WAAAY over sexed IMHO.

He has been traveling out of state for business and he had one night home between trips...He was pestering me, grabbing at me, ya kow all those things that would turn a girl on.. (yeah right) and finally I gave in. Not to make it too graphic, but it was not pleasurable for me since I not aroused at all... in fact.. I started crying ( H didnt see) and just wanting to scream.

My emotions are so screwed up right now. H is a good enough person and claims to be head over heels in love with me... but...I am not with him, and so sex is really difficult right now. All I do is long for the OM.

In 2 weeks I will see the OM again.. I wish it was tomorrow. I don't know what will come of my meeting with the OM but I know I want to discuss the "future" such as it is.

I am trying to do the right things to set myself some goals... finishing school, getting out of debt etc. so I can cleanly leave my M if that is what will happen in a year or so...but I feel so awful about the sex issue... I don't know how to handle it

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 9:57pm
Hey there, I'm sorry you are feeling that way!

My situation is the opposite. My reasons for

having an A is because my H doesn't put out..

But when he does (maximum once a month...) I

try so hard to enjoy it, but since I was with

OM, when H and I did do the deed, I was very

much unsatisfied... But I know it's because

I was with OM... I don't know what else to say,

but I hope you can cope better with this!

Sorry you're feeling like this!!! Hug, ~passion
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 10:29pm
I don't - haven't since OM and I became "intimate" - almost 5 years now. H has never asked and doesn't seem too bothered. We didn't do much before - not even once a month. We also don't share a bedroom - H snores really loudly and I wasn't getting any sleep. So moving into the spare room worked out very well. OM knows H and I aren't doing anything(I told him right at the start) - not even kissing any more - my choice.

Before I moved into the other bedroom, I always made sure I went to bed first and even if I wasn't asleep, I pretended to be. I wish you luck - I know how you feel.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 11:03pm
Thanks for your post passion...

I wish it were the case for me :(

chloe

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 11:06pm
At one time ... my H and I slept in seperate bedrooms... and i was very grateful. We seperated for almost 4 years shortly after that.

Now that we are attempting this reconcilliation... well.. he has vowed that we will never sleep in seperate rooms.

I almost wish he would have an A so he could get it somewhere else...I know... that is a horrible thing to say :(

I just enjoy my time when he is away...

Chloe

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 11:25pm
Hi chloe

My H is away right now and I am so much more relaxed. We never really talk aout anything - especially our M. I know the "kids" wonder what's going on. Early in our marriage there was so much anger directed at me, and I never understood why. After 25 years, I emotionally divorced him - never said anything - just put a lot of distance between us emotionally. That was almost 8 years ago. Met OM about a year later. We were friends for a year before we fell in love. Now, I can't imagine life w/o him.

Can't imagine a reconciliation w/ H.

I'm new here, thanks for responding to my post.

minni

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2003
Sat, 08-09-2003 - 12:25am
Hi Minnimac and Chloe: Reading your posts just so hits home for me. Isn't this board great? I find it very therapeutic. Minnimac, with the exception of the amount of years you have been involved with your MM (I'm going on 5 with mine), I felt like I could have written the same thing as you. I too am sick of my H, and we will be married 25 years this year. Chloe, I know what your going through with the 'sex thing.' At times I feel like that is all I'm good for to my H, just a body for his personal use. It is very difficult for me, as I cringe everytime H reaches for me in bed. (He too is very oversexed) he drives me nuts. My MM is the complete opposite of my H, very warm and caring about my feelings. A good man knows how to make love to you emotionally as well as physically; something my H never seemed to get, ya know? Take care, virgo girl
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Sat, 08-09-2003 - 12:37am
I know exactly what you are feeling...

Actually there was a lot of anger in our marriage early on as well.. we have been married for 8 years and together for 11 years.

Truth be told, I know now I was not in love with him when I married him... but I wanted a family and he seemed agreeable - at the time - and I knew he was responsible and i *thought* he would make a good father... well... there are no children - since he wasn't *ready* for them ----we are mid forties and married when we were late 30's >>when did he think he would be ready for them??

What is so strange is that OM and I talked extensively about my M about 2 years ago... when H and I were seperated ( each on a different coast as well) and I was trying to decide about my D. OM pushed me to make my decision quick and make it stick... he knew how unhappy I was! But I was afraid then, since I have no family to speak of and in a way I felt like my H was my only family. Had I moved forward with me D 2 years ago... My OM wouldn't be the OM - he would be my soul mate and the one I was supposed to be with.

I live with the fear of the day that my OM finds an available woman who he will choose to be with - and I know I will have to respect that and I will have no right to expect anything from him then.

How sad it is... when you realize too late - what you should have done...

Chloe
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Sat, 08-09-2003 - 12:40am
Hi Virgo Girl

All I can say is.. that my physical relationship with the OM - is unlike any that I have ever had in my life - and I am 45 YO so I have had a few :)

The sex with the OM is so different! It involves not just my body, but my mind, my emotions, heart and soul - with my H - it was never like that - not once in the whole time we have been together. I never knew what it was supposed to be like -- I guess I was a late bloomer!

Chloe

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Sat, 08-09-2003 - 9:24am
I was happy to see this post. It is really difficult for me because I have never turned my husband down ever. Now, even though I need sex, need to make love, and MM is not always available all the timeI am stuck with these desires and not getting satisfied. Hubbhy doesnt satisfy me even though he used to. When I am with married man, I enjoy every minute of the time we are together, even though half the time it is a quickie.

I don't know what I will do because I know I have to keep hubby happy. But it is so hard. Last time we made love he wanted me to put my arms around him. But it is so hard because I dont feel anything when I touch him.

How do you do it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Sat, 08-09-2003 - 9:53am
Chloe,

You don't HAVE to have sex with anyone you don't want to have sex with, including your husband. Where did you ever get the idea that you had to have sex with a man (even your husband) JUST because he wants to?

Just say no if you don't want to. And let the chips fall where they may....

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