What's Best?????

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
What's Best?????
14
Sat, 08-09-2003 - 2:30pm
When do you make a final decision whether to stay in an A w/MM or to let it go? The pain of not having him in my life is as brutal as having him only sometimes. The only difference is that with him sometimes, I can feel up close & personal how much he loves me...& I can love him back.

It's days like this when I'm happy not to own a pistol.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Sat, 08-09-2003 - 2:43pm
Oh kira, I hope you're not serious! I truly hope you're not that depressed about your situation, though I can understand how it could happen. I'm new here, so I don't know a whole lot about your situation, but girl, you need to try and find a way to pull yourself out of this! NOTHING is worth what it seems you're thinking/feeling today!

Do you have someone you could go hang out with for the day, something you could do for a change of scenery? I went for a long walk this morning (even in the rain) because I went to sleep thinking about MM and woke up thinking about him, and it was wearing me down emotionally. Please find something to do to snap yourself out of this and gain some perspective! I'll be thinking about you!

((hugs))


Edited 8/9/2003 2:45:04 PM ET by mzsavage

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2003
Sat, 08-09-2003 - 10:26pm
Kira:

I know, I know, I know, I know where you are coming from. I'm just two months into this thing, and every other day I think about ending it. Yesterday I was off from work and he took the day off, too and we spent the whole day together, and it was better than good. Today I went to work...and thought about how much I did not want to see him anymore because I am sick of this kind of a relationship. Half a dozen e-mails from him in the inbox now...don't feel like answering any of them. Am watching garbage on TV with my younger son...eating popcorn...wondering what the hell to do about this situation.

He was a friend for years before we became lovers. Fundamentally, I like this guy. But I never, ever should have crossed the line with him. We are so similar, so compatible, so easy with each other. I got sucked in before I even realized what was happening. I'm divorced several years; he was with me as a friend through the end of that. He is in an empty marriage that he cannot make the decision to leave (no kids for an excuse, either). I've heard about this intermittently for years.

If I hadn't gone out of state to work for six months, I'm sure this never would have happened. The first time I saw him after I got back, I learned how devestated he was when I left and he was afraid he'd never see me again...and I was shocked to discover a strong mutual sexual attraction that had *never* *ever* been there before.

When I am with him, I feel complete...like he's the piece of the puzzle I've been missing for probably most of my adult life. When I am not with him...I find myself getting angry at him because he's not strong enough to do what he needs to do...and getting angry at myself for putting up with this.

Hell, it's not like I want him to move in with me or be with me full-time. I'm pretty damn skittish myself about my independence. But he needs to get out of that sham of a marriage he is in and be on his own for awhile...and maybe we could have some kind of normal relationship. This is so bad for so many reasons...

I don't own a pistol either (and I know depression inside out), but my best friend tells me I am sticking pins in my eyes over this situation and she is right.

Please write to me when you are feeling especially low. I am the strongest person I know and am used to being a rock for other people. Can't do the same for myself, however...alas.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Sun, 08-10-2003 - 2:21am
Thanks, ladies, for your encouragement. It was a pretty pissy day, but I'm okay. 6+ emotional voicemail messages on MM cell phone, but I got some stuff off my chest. We didn't have a blow up or 'words' with one another or anything before I decided it was time for NC. I'm just so completely angry with him for the past 13 years, for the past 3 years, for the past 2 months. I'm angry with him for being contented with this relationship as is, though he claims I'm not his mistress. "You've never been my mistress. I've never thought of you as my mistress. You are my friend. You are the love of my life." Equally as important, I'm agry with myself for being sucha gullible schmuck for so very long.

Be strong webdoyenne...I know what you mean when you talk of being friends, so compatible, so at ease, feeling a sense of completeness.

Sheesh. I often wonder how I let this mess happen.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Sun, 08-10-2003 - 8:34am
hi kira l know how you feel sweetie lm one not married my special friend is married has been married long time.he lives in another state l haven't seen since jan of this year we spent new years eve and day with him which so great.l know my special friend since l was 16 not until l was 23 he kiss me for first time.his W has alzemier's she getting so bad so he has to take care of her which he should do. so trying to get on with my life l through l met really nice single guy but turn out be jerk he hurt me so much.l rather have my mm he better man then sg ever be.lm 40 now my mm is 70 he doesn't look or act his age he so much fun to be with. but do worry about so much . hugs kimmy
kimmy
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2003
Sun, 08-10-2003 - 10:17am
I think if you are not content with sharing the MM, then do what is right for YOU. He has to do what is right for HIM and IF it is staying in a fruitless, empty marriage so be it! For YOU (us) we deserve happiness and if you are frustrated, miserable and unhappy when he isnt around then I say find someone who wants to be with you and love you FULL TIME.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Sun, 08-10-2003 - 12:40pm
I agree, mommyg, but that's part of the problem...I am frustrated, miserable & generally unhappy when he isn't around. When he's around I can't think of any other place I'd rather be than with him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2003
Sun, 08-10-2003 - 1:20pm
Oh, Kira:

Another freakin' e-mail this morning... How are you today, Sunshine...yada yada yada.

I sat and wrote a long letter that I will not give to him (yet, anyway) about why I can no longer allow this mess to continue.

When I could just wrestle with this on a moral level, I could do it intellectually. That is how I was raised/socialized to deal with moral issues. You have a situation...there are two or more ways you can go...you think through the alternatives and you make the choice you conclude is the right one.

But I can no longer lie to myself about the emotional aspects of this relationship. I am crazy about this guy. And, boy, do I have trouble with emotional issues. I cannot bring myself to tell him how I feel; the closest I've gotten from him is how our relationship "scares" him "to death." Such a bold declaration of feeling! Wowie kazowie...I am underwhelmed.

In finally confronting the emotional part of this, I scare myself. I can see how easily I could end up hating this guy. And I can also see how he could end up hating me. I have as much power to ruin his life as he has to ruin mine. Maybe more. And I am no martyr.

We've talked a couple times about maybe going back to being friends, but it's gone way too far for that. I've had a couple experiences with guys...tried to see if something could be more than a friendship...and it was just Not Right...and we managed to keep the friendship...actually has persisted for many years.

But this one is so different. I have to cop to a big emotional investment.

I will probably get to the point where I tell him "no more" -- roll the dice and see what his response is. He is one who thinks everything can be solved by talking, and he will talk and talk and talk and talk....

I love it: "You've never been my mistress. I've never thought of you as my mistress. You are my friend." I once used the word "mistress," referring to myself in this relationship and he was dumbfounded.

Hang in there. If you've been doing this for so long and you are still wrangling with it and staying relatively sane (enough to use the computer...hahaha), you are a *very* strong person.

I'm leaving the e-mails unanswered and going out to buy my kid a new bike.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Sun, 08-10-2003 - 10:40pm
If I type an email to my MM, whether the intent is to send it or not, I ALWAYS end up hitting the send button. :) The emotional stuff is excrutiating, isn't it? There is no applicable logic in the arsenal (not in mine, anyway).

I think your MM's declaration that your relationship "scares him to death" holds a little more meaning than he's willing to share. Men are funny that way (not to mention just plain stupid). Do you really think you'd go through with ruining his life? As much as you care for him, could you do it? Sometimes I think about it. Not with any hopes that he'll end up with me, but just to see him squirm & feel some of what it's like to be uncomfortable in this relationship. Does that make sense?

Whenever I use the word "mistress" he gets all emotional. I think he really believes there's a difference between the true definition of the word & what I am in his life. What he fails to consider is how I FEEL...& how his inability to stick to any type of schedule w/us (for calls & visits & dates) contributes to those feelings.

He called at 2a this morning & left a couple of messages on my voicemail (I was on the board :) ). Remember I left all those messages for him yesterday. It sounded as if he was crying; he still wants to talk. He always says he wants to talk & then hasn't the time. He does love me, but he's trying to avoid that this is an A & not a normal relationship. I think he was most stunned & upset by my msg stating that I want to hurt him; to cause him as much pain as he's caused me. I don't really want to hurt him, but anger can be powerful. He also interpreted one of my messages as meaning that he's ruined my life these past 13 years. Who knows if we'll actually sit down to talk this time.

Although we've known one another for 13 years, we've only spent perhaps 2 1/2 years of that as lovers. Trust me (I keep tellin' u) I am NOT strong. That's why after 2 months of it this go 'round I'm going bananas.

Did you find a bike for your kid???

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2003
Sun, 08-10-2003 - 10:50pm
Hi Kira! I don't even know you, but I feel for you. Please try to be positive. I know it is hard. I feel the same way. I have broken up with my MM only to keep letting him back in my life. It's aweful. When I am feeling down and out, I put more energy into my daughter. She seems to help make things better. Maybe if you try to focus on something good in your life like I do. Believe me, it don't always work but it's worth a try!!! Be positive.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Sun, 08-10-2003 - 10:56pm
Thank you, Freevalleygirl. Don't know if I'll let him back this time. I'm trying really hard not to, but God I love him. If I didn't know/feel that he loves me, too, it would be so much easier to let go of him.

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