Would you wait for MM?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Would you wait for MM?
3
Sun, 08-10-2003 - 1:42pm
Hi everyone. I have been in a relationship with a MM for 18 mos. 2 deadlines for him to move out have come and gone with no change. His reason which is legit, is he needs employment. When we talked last January about him leaving I agreed to wait until May 1. I am single. He was making changes in his life which included leaving his job of 20 yrs, which he really didnt like. but it was secure. He had intended on finding a new job within the timeframe we had discusssed. It never happened. For the past 5 months he has been actively going on interviews, some seem hopeful then it seems he is let down when they pass him over. I personally seem to think his age is against him. He is 53, they would rather hire a younger person for less money. JMHO

I can see the stress now on his face as Sept 1 is getting closer, that is the date we talked about him leaving by last month. My problem is I can see he is trying to get his life in order, he has made changes in regard to some problems we had with our relationship.Should I wait for him? What if Sept 1 comes and goes with no changes in his employment status? As I said I can visibly see he is actively looking for a job and I can see the stress and frustration on his face.

Any advice?

Hope

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Sun, 08-10-2003 - 4:02pm
I would have to say wait until he finds a job. If he finds a job and still doesn't leave, then it's time to move on.

I'm trying to find a job now too, it's next to impossible. I am 25 and just graduated so the age thing is against me too. Older people with experience and better qualifications are scooping up all the entry level positions because there don't seem to be any jobs anywhere so people are taking pay cuts just to have a job.

I don't know anything about your situation besides you being single, but I would think this decision would be based on how much you want to be with him. Like I said before, once he gets the job, then give him a date to move out, but right now it doesn't seem very possible for him I imagine. Have patience! ~Miss
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Sun, 08-10-2003 - 6:18pm
YOUR MM is not WORTH waiting for. He is pure scum. Read what everyone on the other boards you post on has been trying to tell you for all this time. He lied to you about being married - first strike against him. Now he has kept you on a string, dangling, for lord knows how long. Then you have a stroke. I still don't see him getting his "priorities" straight. You win when he leaves his wife and family? Do you REALLY win? What do you win exactly - the booby prize?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-11-2003 - 12:50am
Hi Hope4,

It depends, and of course we don't know the whole story. I was going to say this anyway, even before reading Yoga's response...

It doesn't so much matter as to how much you love him or he loves you, but rather if he is ready. Some people are ready as soon as they make the decision - jump right in, while others must get ready and prepare, whether financially or mentally or both. And the timing will vary according to the individual and circumstances.

I don't know if a person can be financially ready for divorce, just like a person cannot be financially ready to raise a child (unless he/she is wealthy and money is not a concern), but I can understand the need for security. Obviously MM needs to secure a job so he can support himself...is he holding out for the best position or paycheck, or will any reasonable offer be accepted?

A person may *want* a divorce, but may not be ready mentally, for many reasons...hurting the spouse and/or children, less contact with children, not ready for change, doesn't feel secure, low self-esteem, etc. No matter how much a loved one can offer support and stength, whether a parent, friend, lover, etc., until that person is ready in their own mind they will not leave.

I am not saying that is your MM's scenerio, I don't know him. But again, it isn't how much you love him...it's how long you are willing to wait. Do you trust he is taking steps in leaving (even baby steps)? Or, do you feel he is stringing you along? I understand you want to share more with him...is there a rush in your being together?

Personally, if it were my MM, I'd wait. That's because I trust him - he wouldn't say something unless he meant it - he wouldn't lie nor string me along. I know, I know...some would say he lies to his W so he can easily lie to me; but I know W and it would be pointless for him to lie to me. And lastly, it took me a while to be prepared for divorce myself, mentally and financially - and having a time-frame would have only added to the stress with the mind-set I was in - so I would understand if he needed to do the same and wait until he was ready.

Of course, my situation is different than yours. Only you know what YOU want and can accept, or not. Once you know, Hope4, you won't be asking us! (Hey, I'm not saying don't ask - I'm glad you posted for support). We're here for you!

Meow