So, how do I begin????

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
So, how do I begin????
10
Mon, 08-11-2003 - 1:15am
I've posted here before several times but haven't in the last little while becauase nothing has happened. But to sum it up........I'm 23, married just under a year to a 31 year old. I met a wonderful guy last November (who is my eye dr) and hit it off with him. He has a girlfriend and knows I am married. So since then, it has been casual flirting but has been getting more serious over the last little while. I know he's very attracted to me and I think he knows that I'm attracted to him (I told him that he's my "eye candy"!!lol). I think he's being cautious because I am married and he doesn't want to cross any lines. Anyway, so nothing has happened between us and for awhile, I tried putting him out of my head and tried to focus on my marriage. But the more I do that, the more I realize I hate being married. I am not attracted to my husband at all any more and although we get along amazingly, I cannot imagine spending the rest of my life with him. I was too young to get married and I realize that now.

So the other day, the OM told me that he's going to go back to the same university that I am going to and take up teaching which is the same thing that I am taking (Remember he's an optician so it's not like he needs a career). I am like 70% sure that I want to start something with him but that's where I need your advice. How do I do that? Because of where we both work (which is the only times we see each other) we are never alone. There is always someone else around. I want to let him know that I am attracted to him and interested in starting something. Even though he has a g/f, I know that he is open to an affair on her (long story......).

So what are your stories? How'd you start your A's? How do you suggest that I start mine? I was thinking of asking for his email address and taking it that way but I'd like other options.

As always, thanks for your advice and non-judgemental support. It's nice to have that!

hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Mon, 08-11-2003 - 7:56am
Eye candy:) lol I like that one, and it fits perfectly with him being an eye doctor:)

How did my A start? Well, honestly, it just happened. I was looking for an A, but never expected to find OM. We met, sparks, passion and all that happened and next thing you know, he's agreeing to be my man on the side.

We're currently going through a tough patch. He can't seem to handle being the OM... Our A seemed to be over last week, but now I'm not so sure... One thing I have learnt is that there are going to be tough spots. He's single, he wants more from me, and I'm not able to give more at this time. So, my story of my A isn't over... Just not knowing where things are headed right now, but that's a story for anyone who's wondering what happens when the OM wants more.

Just go with the flow of your prospective A. Flirt, hint... Good luck! ~passion

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2003
Mon, 08-11-2003 - 11:16am
Well, MM and I had casually flirted, but one day after he had already left work, he called back to ask me a question. Well, it was OBVIOUS that he it was a dumb question and one taht could've easily waited until the next day. So, I answered his question and then went back to my office. When I got there, I called him back on his cell phone. I asked what he REALLY wanted since it was so obvious to me that it wasn't what he originally called about. He laughed and said that he just wanted to hear my voice again, so we began talking. We started calling one another every afternoon and one thing lead to another.

So, my advice? Call him for something dumb and just strike up a conversation - things will go from there! Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 08-11-2003 - 11:26am
I think that's a great idea! Phone calls that aren't really "necessary"...lol

Good luck to you -- keep us posted as to how it's going! ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Mon, 08-11-2003 - 11:38am
Thanks guys!! Except see that's the thing.....we've already done that...we've both called each other for absolutely no real reason (I said I wanted to know good camping sites in this area and he called me to get the dish on his mananger that I knew). See the flirting is so apparent (he asked me the other day how a guy like him gets to meet a girl like me) but we can't seem to get past that. I think we're both afraid to cross that line since we're both in relationships even though we both want it. This flirting thing has been going on seriously since probably Feb-March and I think that if we could ever have a moment where there wasn't someone else around, one of us might broch the subject. I don't know....I love flirting with him and I think about him all the time. I hate it when he or I has a day off and we don't get to see each other (we don't work together but we do work in the same building).

One more question....I've heard that if you are going to have an A or are in an A, do not tell anyone about it because once it becomes known (even if it's only by one other trusted friend) then the relationship is doomed to fail. Is that true? My manager at work is an amazing woman and we talk alot and she also sees the sparks between me and this guy. I think it's be hard not to tell her if something does happen because I tell her everything that happens in my life. But if an A does start, I don't want it to get out all over town (obviously!) so I was just wondering how true that saying is.

Thanks guys for your responses and I think I might be here for the long haul now!!!!

hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Mon, 08-11-2003 - 12:16pm
If I could go back in time,

I would have kept my mouth

shut about OM. Because I

told someone about my OM,

I'm paranoid she'll let it

come out. I thought I could

trust her, but she's broken

my trust over something

smaller than this just

recently, and I'm now sure

she's going to open her

mouth. That said, in my

opinion keep it here if

you need someone to talk

to about your A! ~passion
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
Mon, 08-11-2003 - 12:50pm
I agree 100% with passion. Do not tell anyone you never know who you can trust, so trust no one. We will never tell and we will be here for you. Always remember to cover your tracks including your computer. Good luck DAF
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2003
Mon, 08-11-2003 - 1:24pm
Ah, brings back memories! LOL The very same thing went on with MM for at least 1 1/2 years! H and I were friends with MM and W. We bowled together on a league....and the flirting drove me crazy! I would constantly wonder "Is he just kidding...or does he really mean it?"

So finally after he brushed my hair from my eyes one night :::Sigh::::: I KNEW he wanted more.....One night after leaving a bar (group of couples all went out) I quickly said "we need to talk" It took us three weeks to find a time we could meet.

We met in a parking lot, and sat in my truck and talked. Talked about what we had been feeling, etc. We both decided that we couldn't risk losing our families (He has been married for 17 years, me and h for 10..together for 17. Even though we both had really strong feelings for each other. We both thought we were okay with it...and no damage had been done. We shared one really romantic kiss.....and that was it..... :::::::deep breath::::::

Our children go to the same school....are involved in same activities....so I saw/see him all the time. A few days later he told me he couldn't stop thinking of me, and that he loved me. I emailed a friend of mine (figured it would be safe) and told her what he had said.

That night was the children's christmas show. I had to run to the store before hand, and so I told H i would meet him there.....when I got there, I was talking to MM wife when he came up from behind and told me H KNOWS! He read my email :O(

So....be VERY CAREFUL what you write....who you talk to ......I NEVER would have dreamed in a million years he would have checked up on me. He never had any interest in my online doings....I have always been the faithful little housewife....devoted mom to four...he was my one and only love......He had no reason to check on me....he just had a feeling in his gut.

Good Luck....oh how I miss that excitement! Although I still get butterflies everytime I see MM.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2003
Mon, 08-11-2003 - 1:55pm
OK - so he is your eye doctor? Schedule an eye appointment and when he leans in to see your eyes.. kiss him. Be bold! Just do it! MM and I flirted a LOT and then one day I said something about me wanting to kiss me and I told him that if he came up to my office again, I would. Well, he did... and I did. That si how our physical relationship got started!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Mon, 08-11-2003 - 2:02pm
How bold!!!!! just lean in and kiss him??? sounds daring but definately a possibilty!!! lol!!! You guys are awesome!!

Ok, so alot of you talked about covering my tracks. What is the best way to do that? How do I keep him from finding this message board? My email is protected well enough that he won't ever figure out the password (he's not too computer literate!!!lol). As for my town.....I live in a city of about 55,000 so it's not that big. Plus we work in the busiest mall in the city so I guess going for lunch at the food court isn't a good idea!! I want to do this smart but I need advice from you guys. I've never done this before.

thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2003
Mon, 08-11-2003 - 2:08pm
Delete your history every time you use the computer for stuff like this.... also go into your folders and delete your cookies every time. Don't let OM call you at home unless you all can PLAN a guarenteed time that you can talk AND have him to *67 his number so it won't show up on caller ID. I call MM from a work cell phone, so there is no way that H will see my bill and know who I called. We also don't talk after I leave work or on the weekends. When we meet - I tell H pieces of what I will be doing... and I do those things. Like if I say that I am going to the mall, I make sure to go to the mall at some point so that I am not lying... especially if I were to run into someone I knew. I will usually buy something as well, as proof that I was actually there - just be carefulo of the time that is printed on your receipt!