Asking your opinion
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Asking your opinion
| Mon, 08-11-2003 - 7:04am |
What is your take on the subject of marriage as a result of an EMA? Given the criteria of an EMA on or both parties are married. Which means that one or both parties is not very honest, and has a tendency to cheat.
I know that we tend to justify our actions. But, cheating is stil cheating. Would you be able to trust in your new marriage?
Me personally, I have trust issues with my MM. And, seriously doubt that I could go into a marriage with him, completely content, and not one feeling of doubt.
That little question is always in the back of my mind. If he did it to her, what makes me so special that he wouldn't do it to me?
Thanks for responding.

I had asked my OM if he were
to trust me if we had a "real"
relationship and he said he
would.
But I question myself on this.
Would I be faithful to OM?
So as far as OM is concerned,
he says he would trust me, but
I know differently. He wouldn't.
And he proved that when he went
crazy last week over the strip
club and me being around other
friends who are men.
~passion
Liberal
Just my humble opinion.
Edited 8/11/2003 9:06:11 AM ET by yogachick2003
first of all, i wouldn't marry my MM but i would live with him if the opportunity even presents itself. absolutely no plans for that right now though. he is staying married and i'm not asking for a future commitment. we have done the "what if" discussion, but unless he gets caught and his M ends because of that, we probably don't have a future.
second, as for trusting him or him trusting me, i believe he would be trustworthy. our A started because his W wasn't having sex with him and he was incredibly horny. i am in a close social situation with MM and his W and my BF, so we are together constantly. much more in the past though. we also were caught this past winter and i decided to pull back on the socializing a bit with them.
MM does love his W but is not attracted to her and the intimacy level is virtually non-existent and she doesn't want anything physical, no sex at all. she has told him and me (along with other girlfriends) that they are "best friends" but not physical at all.
W had some major back and neck problems and had two surgeries to correct the problems, but because of her lack of interest and the pain, they didn't have sex for almost 6 months. MM and i started to flirt and ended up talking frankly about the sex issue. he admitted that he had always been attracted to me, but held back because of the "being friends" issue. but the urges were so overwhelming that he was having dreams and wasn't able to concentrate at work. MM asked to meet me and discuss the situation and i admitted i was feeling the same intense attraction too. i was having problems with my BF, lots less sex and intimacy too. MM and i actually held off for a few months, but one night he called me and i just went to him.
it's been wonderful with MM. great sex, lots of intimacy, fun and games. but it's not real life. it's hard for me to gauge if i would want to be with him day in and day out, but i think the trust issue wouldn't exist for us since i would be available to him sexually all the time and that was the only part of his marriage that isn't/wasn't good. i've known him for seven years and totally know i am the only one he's been with outside his marriage. he is so different from anyone i've ever been with in the levels of experience, traveling, interests. MM can do everything and he's the only man i've ever known that i feel safe with. so i guess the bottom line is that i would trust him completely and i hope he would trust me too.
take care,
gurl
There are many issues besides the trust issue when entering a relationship started through an EMA. For starters... one or both parties may have never addressed the issue as to why there where problems in the relationship by which so caused the affair. Sure! people do just fall out of love with their partners... but more often than not there are underlying problems in the relationship that should be addressed... otherwise these people continue to take them through to the next relationship and this is usually why EMA have such a low success rate.
For myself... I know where I made mistakes in my marriage and I've found over the last couple of years I've been working on them. While DH can be very lazy... I know that I was very demanding of him and also very critical... and I've been working on those certain things. There is many more factors... but I'm slowly becoming clearer on those and working on them and it seems to be working as the last talk I had with DH... there was nothing for him to bring up about me and what he thinks I do wrong.
I think that you certainly can have trust in an EMA... I don't think that I have to go there... but I would not have a problem trusting MM should we ever end up as a couple. But at the same time... I would know better and I would not sit back and wait for the trust issue or any other issue to arise and would deal with them before... I would definitely even consider counselling before entering another relationship.
I have never believed the 'once a cheater, always a cheater' sure... there a people out there that are just 'cheaters' that's a fact of life... but I do believe that people can and do change.
but... that's just me...
luv and hugs
Sweet
Sweet
Co-Community Leader My
In my particular for instance, I think it is very conceivable that after my divorce is final, OM and I would begin to live together. And that is as far as I'm willing to commit at this point. My affair is a symptom, as I believe most affairs to be, of an unhealthy marriage. It did not cause the problems, it exists because of them...I did not enter into mine until I felt the M was dead with no hope of resurrection. I've been working on my M for a long time. OM knows that and while he's a touch put out that we didn't get involved sooner, he understands that I absolutely could not until I was 100% positive that there wasn't a chance in hell my marriage could survive. I've got a fair idea of the part I played in this failed marriage and I'm working on it. If I didn't look at my M with objectivity, I'm just destined to repeat the same mistakes with OM. And I don't want anything to happen to this love.
Lucky
In my situation, MM and I were friends through our spouses...we talked a lot, I have always enjoyed men's views on things, and my H doesn't talk much...Unfortunately, I truly believe that, without even realizing it...we crossed the line,had too much time to chat online (MM sold me his old computer, and opened up the outside world of internet to me-wow) got too personal with our conversations (we are both very passionate people), and as a result...ended up in an EMA...both of our marriages were going through trouble at the time...he is now separated, feels that our A was a catalyst...I am not ready to leave my marriage, there is really nothing "corely" (is that a word?) "wrong" with my H...I think I have just grown and wanted more in a relationship...Unfortunately, MM was there to fulfill that to me...I don't know if anyone else has experienced this, but I suspect "yes"...I Knew in my heart that the physical intimacy would be Outstanding between MM and I, just by the way we communicated...sounds nuts, but true...
Ok, so in answer to your question...I would Definitely trust my MM, neither one of us was looking, we are So open in communication, and So satisfied with each other, I think we would be Extra in tune and not mess up...Although I always cringe at those stats that say only like 3% of marriages that start as affairs last...I think it Totally depends on the individual circumstances...I have read many stories, and there are So many different reasons affairs happen...I hope I answered your question without Yappin too much...take care now...princesswho