Asking your opinion

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Asking your opinion
9
Mon, 08-11-2003 - 7:04am
What is your take on the subject of marriage as a result of an EMA? Given the criteria of an EMA on or both parties are married. Which means that one or both parties is not very honest, and has a tendency to cheat.

I know that we tend to justify our actions. But, cheating is stil cheating. Would you be able to trust in your new marriage?

Me personally, I have trust issues with my MM. And, seriously doubt that I could go into a marriage with him, completely content, and not one feeling of doubt.

That little question is always in the back of my mind. If he did it to her, what makes me so special that he wouldn't do it to me?

Thanks for responding.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Mon, 08-11-2003 - 7:38am
I understand what you mean!

I had asked my OM if he were

to trust me if we had a "real"

relationship and he said he

would.

But I question myself on this.

Would I be faithful to OM?

So as far as OM is concerned,

he says he would trust me, but

I know differently. He wouldn't.

And he proved that when he went

crazy last week over the strip

club and me being around other

friends who are men.

~passion

Avatar for megan1012
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 08-11-2003 - 8:11am
Ive also wondered the same thing. I know I can be faithful to my om once I get out of the marriage but the question of him cheating on me is still in the back of my mind. Im trying to trust him. I told him I would trust him as long as he didnt give me a reason not to trust him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 08-11-2003 - 8:56am
I can only speak of my experience. I was married when I started up an EMA with my current husband. I left H#1 for myself, not to marry my DH. I was in an unhappy marriage which was relative to why I cheated or so I thought at that time. But now I am married to H#2 and started cheating on him emotionally less than 6 months after we married and within 8 months I was physically cheating on him. I am happily married, I have a man who is everything I could want in a husband and still, I am cheating. Although I think that your situation plays a role in whether you cheat or not, in my case it doesnt matter who I'm with or what they mean to me, I honestly think I'm just a cheater. I like the thrill, the variety and loving and being loved by more than one man. I would like to think this is just something I will grow out of and perhaps when I settle down and become a mother I will learn to "behave myself" LOL But I just dont know if I ever will. I am extremely cautious in my EM activities. I am not a risk taker and never make time to be with my OM when it's not completely safe. Honestly, does what you dont know really hurt you? I would have to say, no.

Liberal

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Mon, 08-11-2003 - 9:04am
There is a very good chance that when the chips are down, he will do it to you too, especially since you already have trust issues. There are some rare situations where there is an affair that does not produce overwhelming trust issues - I have seen a couple on this board (i think shouldi is involved in one of these) and on some other affair boards on ivillage. I think those situations are very unusual, but I am certain they do exist. My guess is that they would have involved a true friendship between the affair partners before the affair started - one which did NOT involve attraction or flirtation - and then over time it blossomed into "love" and the affair partners fought against it and even discussed why they should not do it (and MEANT it), and then ultimately they did allow it to become physical. I think in these situations, the sex part is kind of beside the point - I think that the affair partners view sex as a way of expressing their love, rather than a way of generating love. By contrast, in a typical affair, the partners are in lust for one another, and feelings develop as a result. I think many marriages started this way too, and I think they fail for the same reason.

Just my humble opinion.


Edited 8/11/2003 9:06:11 AM ET by yogachick2003

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Mon, 08-11-2003 - 9:28am
Wow yogachick...you are good! So true (in my humble opinion as well).

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-11-2003 - 10:45am
good morning secret. hope everyone had a great weekend! mine was interesting, but that's not the question right now.

first of all, i wouldn't marry my MM but i would live with him if the opportunity even presents itself. absolutely no plans for that right now though. he is staying married and i'm not asking for a future commitment. we have done the "what if" discussion, but unless he gets caught and his M ends because of that, we probably don't have a future.

second, as for trusting him or him trusting me, i believe he would be trustworthy. our A started because his W wasn't having sex with him and he was incredibly horny. i am in a close social situation with MM and his W and my BF, so we are together constantly. much more in the past though. we also were caught this past winter and i decided to pull back on the socializing a bit with them.

MM does love his W but is not attracted to her and the intimacy level is virtually non-existent and she doesn't want anything physical, no sex at all. she has told him and me (along with other girlfriends) that they are "best friends" but not physical at all.

W had some major back and neck problems and had two surgeries to correct the problems, but because of her lack of interest and the pain, they didn't have sex for almost 6 months. MM and i started to flirt and ended up talking frankly about the sex issue. he admitted that he had always been attracted to me, but held back because of the "being friends" issue. but the urges were so overwhelming that he was having dreams and wasn't able to concentrate at work. MM asked to meet me and discuss the situation and i admitted i was feeling the same intense attraction too. i was having problems with my BF, lots less sex and intimacy too. MM and i actually held off for a few months, but one night he called me and i just went to him.

it's been wonderful with MM. great sex, lots of intimacy, fun and games. but it's not real life. it's hard for me to gauge if i would want to be with him day in and day out, but i think the trust issue wouldn't exist for us since i would be available to him sexually all the time and that was the only part of his marriage that isn't/wasn't good. i've known him for seven years and totally know i am the only one he's been with outside his marriage. he is so different from anyone i've ever been with in the levels of experience, traveling, interests. MM can do everything and he's the only man i've ever known that i feel safe with. so i guess the bottom line is that i would trust him completely and i hope he would trust me too.

take care,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Mon, 08-11-2003 - 6:27pm
Hi secret,

There are many issues besides the trust issue when entering a relationship started through an EMA. For starters... one or both parties may have never addressed the issue as to why there where problems in the relationship by which so caused the affair. Sure! people do just fall out of love with their partners... but more often than not there are underlying problems in the relationship that should be addressed... otherwise these people continue to take them through to the next relationship and this is usually why EMA have such a low success rate.

For myself... I know where I made mistakes in my marriage and I've found over the last couple of years I've been working on them. While DH can be very lazy... I know that I was very demanding of him and also very critical... and I've been working on those certain things. There is many more factors... but I'm slowly becoming clearer on those and working on them and it seems to be working as the last talk I had with DH... there was nothing for him to bring up about me and what he thinks I do wrong.

I think that you certainly can have trust in an EMA... I don't think that I have to go there... but I would not have a problem trusting MM should we ever end up as a couple. But at the same time... I would know better and I would not sit back and wait for the trust issue or any other issue to arise and would deal with them before... I would definitely even consider counselling before entering another relationship.

I have never believed the 'once a cheater, always a cheater' sure... there a people out there that are just 'cheaters' that's a fact of life... but I do believe that people can and do change.

but... that's just me...

luv and hugs

Sweet

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Mon, 08-11-2003 - 6:55pm
What Sweet said!! She said it so well.

In my particular for instance, I think it is very conceivable that after my divorce is final, OM and I would begin to live together. And that is as far as I'm willing to commit at this point. My affair is a symptom, as I believe most affairs to be, of an unhealthy marriage. It did not cause the problems, it exists because of them...I did not enter into mine until I felt the M was dead with no hope of resurrection. I've been working on my M for a long time. OM knows that and while he's a touch put out that we didn't get involved sooner, he understands that I absolutely could not until I was 100% positive that there wasn't a chance in hell my marriage could survive. I've got a fair idea of the part I played in this failed marriage and I'm working on it. If I didn't look at my M with objectivity, I'm just destined to repeat the same mistakes with OM. And I don't want anything to happen to this love.

Lucky

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Mon, 08-11-2003 - 7:21pm
I think yogachick and sweet both had very good points...

In my situation, MM and I were friends through our spouses...we talked a lot, I have always enjoyed men's views on things, and my H doesn't talk much...Unfortunately, I truly believe that, without even realizing it...we crossed the line,had too much time to chat online (MM sold me his old computer, and opened up the outside world of internet to me-wow) got too personal with our conversations (we are both very passionate people), and as a result...ended up in an EMA...both of our marriages were going through trouble at the time...he is now separated, feels that our A was a catalyst...I am not ready to leave my marriage, there is really nothing "corely" (is that a word?) "wrong" with my H...I think I have just grown and wanted more in a relationship...Unfortunately, MM was there to fulfill that to me...I don't know if anyone else has experienced this, but I suspect "yes"...I Knew in my heart that the physical intimacy would be Outstanding between MM and I, just by the way we communicated...sounds nuts, but true...

Ok, so in answer to your question...I would Definitely trust my MM, neither one of us was looking, we are So open in communication, and So satisfied with each other, I think we would be Extra in tune and not mess up...Although I always cringe at those stats that say only like 3% of marriages that start as affairs last...I think it Totally depends on the individual circumstances...I have read many stories, and there are So many different reasons affairs happen...I hope I answered your question without Yappin too much...take care now...princesswho