Gurlfriend....I have a question based on

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Gurlfriend....I have a question based on
7
Mon, 08-11-2003 - 5:01pm
a post of yours regarding trust in an EMA.

What if you married or lived with your MM, and you became unable to have sex for a legitimate reason - perhaps you got vulvadynia or cervical cancer or genital herpes, and it became impossible to have sex for an extended period of time? Would you then be worried that he would cheat on you?

Or what if you lived with your MM, and you were raped by someone, so sex became scary to you, and you were in therapy, but still, you were unable to have sex for an extended period of time?

Would you expect him to cheat because he is horny?

I am just wondering.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-11-2003 - 8:13pm
I would expect him to be understanding and if it wasn't a prolonged period of time w/o sex then I would not expect him to cheat. An extended period of say, a few months, I would not expect him to cheat. If it became years, I would be concerned because I understand how frustrating that can get to be after awhile. It begs the question, for better or worse, for more or less. Are you supposed to stick by your spouse no matter what? So then, why an affair? Does it just become too difficult to keep working at the M? And we MW all know, it is work. But then so is an EMA after awhile. It's all work. If you can keep the emotional connection going, it might not be as difficult. What I am not feeling as much toward H is the emotional connection anymore. Even though he is trying with physical aspect, it hasn't changed my feelings toward MM.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Mon, 08-11-2003 - 11:08pm
Yoga,

I gotta give it to ya...that is a very good question....that should be one for everyone.

I mean if you are with a MM and you were together for good...what if something happened...obviously he did it once, do you really think he would not do it again. I guess that is where I was different...I didn't ever think that OM and I were going to be together forever...I knew the same things he knew...we both cheated and we both knew that it could happen again! GREAT QUESTION! Red
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Tue, 08-12-2003 - 11:16am
What about sanctioned cheating? Not trying to be a butthead; it's a legitimate question for me. I've thought about this scenario earlier in my marriage with H because I had a lot of trauma before meeting him and with a few of my births, so there were times we went months without sex. He never cheated, although he didn't especially like not having sex, lol, and sometimes said so. But, generally speaking, he was very understanding and accomodating. But at that time I thought...you know...he really ought to go to a swinger's club or something and get it taken care of there. It would make him feel better and take all the stress and pressure off me, and possibly, because of the nature of swingers, wouldn't lead into anything emotional.

What do you all think??? About the partner unable to have sex giving the other one permission to screw around??

Lucky

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-14-2003 - 2:59pm
well, let's see.

gurl


Edited 4/7/2004 11:24 am ET ET by gurlfriend50

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Fri, 08-15-2003 - 12:08am
hey lucky,

Based on our histories, do you REALLY think that is such a hot idea, lol?? I think it is ok to have pressure, ups and downs, and still expect the person to be there for you -- if anything, it is during those times, that they SHOULD be there, you know?

Alameda

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Fri, 08-15-2003 - 10:25am
You make a good point, Alameda, lol! Certainly I've proven that I can't be trusted now.

But when H and I talked about this some years ago (his dad pulled a train of mistresses H's whole life. H even had to socialize with most of them!), we talked about the difference of dealing with infidelity that was one night stand kind of stuff...purely sex, never seeing them again compared to infidelity of an emotional nature. We both thought then, and I still believe, that it's the emotional affair that's more trouble for a marriage because obviously that person's loyalties are divided. Where one night stands are concerned, it's just sex and as long as it's safe sex, I'd be cool with that. That's kinda what I was talking about.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Fri, 08-15-2003 - 11:38am
Hey lucky,

I've never had one night stands, so maybe I can't understand it. However, I have had encounters that I thought were of the one night stand kind, but they have always developed into Rs!

Alameda