Is it an affair

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2003
Is it an affair
4
Mon, 08-11-2003 - 7:59pm
I have suddenly started having feelings for someone I've known for about 10 years. He is married, is much older than me, and there was never anything sexual going on. However, recently, I feel like it takes everything I have to keep my feelings inside. I would never do anything with him because he is married. Plus, I'm not sure he feels the same way about me. A few nights ago, though, there was an instant where we both kind of froze and I swear he was going to kiss me. I backed away, but I'm pretty sure that if it happened again, I wouldn't...as much as I hope I would. We have a great relationship. I feel like I can sit in a room with him, not say a word, and walk away like we've had an entire conversation. I don't want to ruin that, or his marriage. But, what is going on? Is having an affair only having sex or is this it? I love him as much as you can love someone without being in love with them, but I think I'm starting to cross the line. Anything you have to say would be great. Am I part of an affair? What is wrong with me? What should I do or say to him?...anything, really. Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
In reply to: laughloud
Mon, 08-11-2003 - 11:56pm
Hi Laughloud,

I'm presuming from your post that you are single... and it which case I would probably say that what you are feeling is not an affair. Yes... it is possible to have an emotional affair... but it's usually when a person has a partner and is putting more into another relationship... talking and such... that should be going instead to their significant other. Does that make sense???

I haven't really got any advice as to how you could deal with this... one possibility maybe a counsellor... talk what you are feeling through with someone. You could confront your friend with all this but that may work against you in two ways... he could turn his back on you altogether or he could in fact wish to move towards an EMA with you... and that appears to be something you are not ready for and do not want.

I hope maybe someone else out there might be able to help you in ways to put those feelings aside and move on with the friendship.

luv and hugs

Sweet

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2003
In reply to: laughloud
Tue, 08-12-2003 - 7:51am
Here is my take... just like people have different definitions of "sex", so there are different definitions of an affair. Like Sweet said, there are emotional affairs when no physical contact is made and I think a lot of them start out that way... it did for me. I would say what you are having is not a affair.. having feelings for someone (to me) does not make an affair unless the feelings are mutual and known. So, until something happens, or something is said, I would say that you ar enot currently part of an affair. But, you have a big decision to make. What do you want out of this? If you are unwilling to participate in an affair, then I suggest you try very hard not to be around this man. If you are willing... then it is up to you to determine your next move. Either way - good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
In reply to: laughloud
Tue, 08-12-2003 - 8:15am
I would have to agree with everyone else. There are many different ways to have an affair...and it is up to you if you want to cross that line? No one here is going to say yes do it or no don't do it. We all have had to decide if we were going to cross that line. As I did and you will too!



If you don't want to, then try your best to keep your contact with him at a minimal...not saying don't see him ever again...just make sure you aren't alone for a while. Sometimes A's start out when someone is having a bad couple of months in their M and within the next couple of months things get worked out with their SO and that leaves the OP wondering what happened. Not saying that is ALWAYS what happens, but it does.

I do believe that you are having an A...not from what you have said...if you are it is emotional right now. And I personally think those are harder to deal with than a physical one.

Good luck to ya hun! And remember no matter what you decided you have to do it for you and feel good about you! And we are always here to listen and offer what we can!

Love to all.....Red

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2003
In reply to: laughloud
Wed, 08-13-2003 - 5:18pm
Hey, thanks everyone for responding. I appreciate it. I'm still not sure exactly what to do, but it made me feel better to read what other people thought and didn't have an exact answer. If you have anything else to say, please feel free. Thanks again.