Need some input

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2003
Need some input
11
Tue, 08-12-2003 - 1:45pm
Hi Guys...

I can't believe how much comfort I feel when I get into this site and read everyone's input. I have been in an LDEMA for 5 months now...both of us are M. Both unhappy, but are still married because we are still sorting through this confusion. We have been business associates for 2 years now and all of a sudden...we started looking at each other diffently a few months ago. It's been great since we care about each other a lot and have been open and honest about our situation(s). We share our feelings about our frustrations/opinions/etc.

Anyway, we were on the phone today planning a get-together out of town and we were having a great time until I asked him what the rest of his week looked like (my attempt at small talk). He told me that his family is having a family reunion this weekend and was having aunts/uncles/cousins fly in (some are staying at his house). For some reason, I just got really jealous.

I have come to understand that in an EMA, we can't afford to really feel jealous due to the circumstance. I have been trying to avoid those feelings of bitterness/jealousy/etc. simply to survive this EMA (and not go nuts) but I just don't know what's going on with me. I really like him, no doubt about that, and I know he likes me too but this whole reunion thing struck a weird feeling from me. It's bad enough that I know he has a W and a child at home...and it's bad enough that he knows I have a H at home. What does it mean when we get to a point where we are starting to feel jealous/bitter of their activities because we aren't simply the ones enjoying it with them?

It's only been 5 months...Why now am I feeling this way?

Any advice as to what I can do to deal with it or simply pretend he never said it or get a case of amnesia? Ha. Ha.

Thanks!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: torn22
Tue, 08-12-2003 - 4:03pm
I understand, completely. The amnesia is the way I would go! ;) Seriously, I decided (after a similar incident) that MM and I shouldn't discuss things having to do with our spouses and the time we spend with them. I don't want to hear about what they do together, what they're planning, etc., and I don't talk about those things having to do with H. Now, I know that a lot of times when he tells me "he" did something, it means his W was there also, but I don't come out and ask and he doesn't say her name specifically. For now, this is the best thing for me until I get everything else sorted out and figure out exactly what this EMA really is and what it all means.

((hugs)) A lot of this stuff sure isn't easy!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2003
In reply to: torn22
Tue, 08-12-2003 - 8:42pm
Thank you so much for your response and input.

Glad to know that I am not the only one feeling like this.

You may be onto something about this whole "don't ask, don't tell" deal. Problem is...I'm afraid that my imagination may be worse than the truth if I don't know anything. My imagination is my own worse enemy...I think it's why I ask (trying to act like I don't care but I do). I will talk to him about it and see how he feels about us trying this method. I'll tell him that we need to do it so I can somehow keep my sanity;-) Ha. Ha.

I don't "think" I know him well enough to love him yet, but I am not looking forward to how more difficult this gets when the emotions become stronger than they already are. We are already afraid of how emotionally involved we are getting. It scares us both how much we care about each other.

You're right...this isn't easy. I just have to concentrate on juggling the good and the bad since we've made a decision to get into this.

THANKS AGAIN FOR THE GREAT INPUT AND SUPPORT!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: torn22
Tue, 08-12-2003 - 8:54pm
When he goes on vacation with his W, I wish I were the one spending all that time with him and I know he wishes I were there with him from what he says to me. We all have extended families which is the reality of the situation. We all have activities with family that do not include the MM or OM and vice versa. It's part of the whole EMA package. If you can see it's because it's the way things are arranged and not as a threat to your relationship, relax with it and accept it, you'll get past those times when you wish it were you sharing those times with him instead of W.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2003
In reply to: torn22
Wed, 08-13-2003 - 1:51am
I'm glad to read this post becasue I have been having the same problems. I have been in my EMA for about 4 months and, yes, have developed very strong feelings for him and vice versa. He made it very clear in the beginning he was not going to leave his M and even though I'm much unhappier in my M than he is, I'm not ready to leave either. We work together and I can hear his phone conversations when his W calls. They sound like a normal married couple talking about normal things but I hate to hear it! Last week we were going to do lunch and she called and asked him to meet her so, of course, he had to go. Of course, I was jealous. Like you, I know it's not rational! But, also like you, I spend my time away from him wondering what he's doing with his family and hating it. He has two girls ages 12 and 14 that they do a lot of activities with, but my sons are older and don't occupy my time anymore. I guess I have too much time on my hands to think.

On top of all this, he just got a promotion so I'll see even less of him at work. Again, irrationally, I'm thinking of how much more time his W will get to spend with him than I wll!! I know it's crazy!! If someone has a great suggestion for getting over this part I'd love to hear it!!

TA

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
In reply to: torn22
Wed, 08-13-2003 - 12:32pm
deleted


Edited 6/1/2004 10:43 pm ET ET by charlotte1203

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: torn22
Wed, 08-13-2003 - 3:02pm
I totally agree with Charlotte and a matter of fact I tell my OM alot that I dont mind getting all the good stuff and she can put up with all his S*#^!!! LOL He knows he can dish it!

Ya know, I think often of the things I wish I were there to do for him to help him out with on a daily basis because I know she doesnt help him. I'd like to pick up his daughter from school or make sure his favorite snacks are in the freezer or all the little stuff a woman should do for her man...

I dont get jealous when I see them together because I love him enough to know what is and what isnt reality for us and just seeing him with her and smiling gives me more pleasure than pain. I would honestly have a harder time knowing he was with her and not enjoying himself than I have knowing he's with someone other than me the other days of the weeks.

Keep it real...best you can do...

Liberal

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: torn22
Wed, 08-13-2003 - 3:53pm
gosh liberal, i could have written your post. you are sooooo right in that we have the best part of the MM/OM and they can dish the crap to their W/SO.

everyone must remember to keep it real. jealousy is natural. but remember, reality just is....

take care all,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
In reply to: torn22
Wed, 08-13-2003 - 4:14pm
My OM is single, I am married and not really happy. Due to who this OM is even if I were to ever get a D we could never be together. Friday night, he went out to dinner with a single women and I felt like someone punched me in the stomach and I still do. I don't know what I am going to do. I want OM to be happy, we both knew going into this affair that it could never be more than that but yet I have totally fallen for him. I don't think that I will ever find someone else that looks at me and understands me the way he does and that makes me really sad. It is amazing how cruel life can be.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2003
In reply to: torn22
Wed, 08-13-2003 - 4:43pm
I swear, I'm a posting fool today!! I can relate to all of these posts so much!! I am waiting for the day when my OM says that he has met someone and that he wants to have a relationship with this other person. He did that once to me (to try and get me off the fence) once and it completely devestated me and then I later find out he was just saying that to me to push me to make decisions....what a jerk he can be. I felt like maybe I had missed out on the true love of my life...but if it does happen I think I would give him my blessing even though I would be totally heart broken...I have always told him he deserves to be in a relationship with some one 100% available to him and if that happens then it just wasnt' meant for us to be together...awwwww....i'm feeling a little sad now!!

Karry

Karry - - who is learning to embrace life on her own raising her miracle, Carley Paige

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
In reply to: torn22
Wed, 08-13-2003 - 4:53pm
karry72

I take it your OM is single too. I feel like I have to play it cool and not show any emotion. I don't want to come off as being possessive of him. I am not available to him and never will be. My OM just happens to be my husband's best friend. How stupid can I be? So even though my marriage is unhappy and I think I am heading towards a D we will never be together. This man is also my daughter's godfather and my sister is married to his brother. Talk about consquences if anyone ever found out. Yet I can not stay away from him. When we spend time together it is wonderful. I can't get enough of hime and I have let myself fall in love with OM. I still don't know how it happened.

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