i'm having an affair

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2003
i'm having an affair
6
Tue, 08-12-2003 - 4:09pm
I have been married for 11 years to a wonderful man.He's not perfect of course but he he a very loving caring person.I know he loves me and our kids very much.He is a family man all the way.We have always had a pretty good marrige with the typical ups and downs of course.I know I should feel blessed to have found such a good husband but for some reason I'm not.I am having an affair with a married man and just can't seem to stop it.This guy is not someone I would leave my husband for but I really do enjoy being with him.He is my supervisor at work.I don't want to leave my husband but I'm just not in love with him anymore.I do love him though,and I know that he deservs alot better then me.I have went to counseling over depression because of this.It seemed to help but not for long.I have tryed to get the flame I once had for him but it doesn't seem to be coming back.I feel good that another man is showing me attention.I have always had a pretty low selfesteem about myself and that's my excuse.Not very good huh?Anyway I just can't seem to stop having an affair,but I do want to.I feel so bad to do this to my husband and my kids.I know this would totally hurt my husband if he knew.I have no reason to be unhappy but for some reason I am.I hope someone can makes since out of this,but As you can see I'm not to good with writng words on computer.Can anyone give me a bit of advice?I know I am a lousy person and mother for doing this but I still do it.It's so hard trying to keep this from my husband,his wife and the people we work with.I don't really think he would leave his wife for me,for she is alot prettier then me.We asked each other why we are doing this and we both had no clue.Am I confused or what?Please someone HELP me find a solutin!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Tue, 08-12-2003 - 5:20pm
My understanding of why A's happen...is Something is missing from the marriage...whether it be communication, intimacy, whatever...Yes, it is flattering to get attention, it becomes addicting...I think it is almost impossible to work on a marriage if there is someone else in the picture...your's is an extra challenge, being a supervisor...It will not be easy, that's for sure...If you truly want to stop, you have to just do it...And if this man is decent at all, he will understand, and should respect your decision...good luck to you...
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2003
Tue, 08-12-2003 - 6:28pm
Thanks so much for responding.You are right me and my h does not communicate about alot of things.The op would understand and most definetly leave me alone but truthfully I just can't seem to say the words.It might not seem like it but I don't want to mess up my marriage.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Tue, 08-12-2003 - 8:27pm
Hi Carebear and welcome to the board,

You say that your H doesn't communicate very well -- but do you communicate with him? If you want to be happy in your marriage, then you need to figure out what you can do to improve your M. Does he know that you are not happy? Would you be willing to try couples counseling with your H? Can you identify the problems you see in your M? Is the habit of everyday? Do you argue? Are your bored? Do you feel that he doesn't listen?

From your first post, you mentioned that you have low self esteem and that you have experienced depression. And MM makes you feel better about yourself...of course, he does. He tells you he desires you, he makes you feel wanted, special, etc...

And maybe that will work for now, but I bet it won't work forever. You need to find something that you can CONTROL that makes you happy. You need to do things for yourself that you enjoy. What do you like to do? Exercise? Crafts? Making food? Whatever it is, you need to find it...

I think a lot of people think they are happy when they are needed, wanted, appreciated, desired, etc. Parents can feel that way about their children. A wife can feel that way about her husband. The only problem is that you can't be certain that the other person will always need/want you in the same way. And when they no longer do, you will not only be disappointed but hurt, too.

I say this because it sounds like you have found your happiness in MM. Be careful. The A may not go on forever, and then where will you be? Work on YOU first. If you want to work on your M, you are going to have to figure what you can control/contribute/take responsibility for in your M.

Hugs to you and keep us posted,

Alameda

Hugs to you

Avatar for mikkolover
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Wed, 08-13-2003 - 4:51am
i agree, you are so brave to come out with this, even just to us. hats off to you. I know that everything you said is true and you don't want to leave your dh, and its good to know that for sure,but be careful. you are strong, and invest inyourself. talk to dh about how you have been feeling, talk to someone and get help for you both, and remember you have friends here... take care
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 08-13-2003 - 10:02am
I agree that affairs often happen because the marriage relationship is missing something. But the question you have to ask is why you chose to go outside the marriage rather than talk to your husband about your needs. Lily
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2003
Wed, 08-13-2003 - 5:13pm
Thanks for responding to my problem.My h just does not want to talk about everyday life.I feel like he does not listen when i try to start a conversation about everyday things.He only wants to talk about things that interest him.Yes I do listen to him when he talks to me.I'll ask questions etc.He would never consider counseling.He thinks he does nothing to hurt this m.And he says I have no reason to be depressed etc.As far as mm we seem to get along good.It's just hard to keep it a secret.i will keep you posted.Maybe I'll have great news next time.