Can the A ever become the M????
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| Tue, 08-12-2003 - 4:16pm |
I am physically, spiritually and emotionally satisfied with OMM. We have a wonderful time and see each other almost every day (we live in the same town). We do lots of stuff together; i.e. dinner, lunch, concerts, movies, etc. There's not so much secrecy as a typical A. Anyhows, OMM wants to marry me. His marriage is loveless and he didn't realize how much so until we hooked up. He's been separated for about 2 years and is finally ready to file.
My head is spinning. I don't know whether to work on my M and hope/trust/pray H has resolved the abuse and anger issues, or whether to bail and hope I live happily ever after with OMM. OMM is very supportive of my handicapped son and other daughter and tells me that he really wants to help me raise them. He also wants to arrange a dinner with his mother so I can meet her. He hopes to be free of his W and have financial issues, custody, etc., under control within 2 years. In my heart, I want to go with OMM, but my less adventurous side thinks the "smart" thing to do is stay in the M. I'm also afraid that what makes the OMM so attractive is the limited, special time we have to see each other, we NEVER spend the night together, we just dream of what it would be like! HELP!!!!!!! I'm afraid that either way I'm going to make a huge mistake and regret it for the rest of my life. Thanks in advance


If you want to work on your M, why not do it? Do you think you would regret not giving it one final last try? Do you think you can salvage your M? You mentioned your H's anger probs, but is that all the problems you see in your M? Try to identify things you can work on, rather than hoping and praying that he will change. What can you change? How can you approach your M and H differently?
As far as MM is concerned: 1) he is still married 2) deciding to marry him before either of you are free doesn't seem like the kind of decision you need to worry about right now.
Do you think anyone newly D'd would want to get hitched so quickly? If you decide to D, do you want to remarry the First man who peaks your interest and offers to support your children?
You didn't mention any other options except reconciling with H or trying M with MM -- what about your independence? What about taking time off from married life?
Don't feel compelled to answer the above questions -- they are more for your reflection than anything else.
Sorry i couldn't be of more help,
Alameda
However, if you're sitting on the fence and you & OM are not out in the open yet, then why not take a few months to give it a go with H while OM is getting his stuff together for those 2 years. That way you'll give yourself the opportunity to know for sure if you're making the right choice for you & your children.
KG
To answer your question, yes an A can become a M. I don't know that we hear about it so much on this board (I've read of one member who came back to post an update that she is M'd to her A partner) maybe because those members have moved on and don't require the support. And in the big wide world out there, I don't know if many would admit that they began their relationship as an A. You know the saying, anything is possible if you want it enough.
With regards to your H, you wrote "Our relationship is amicable, and lately almost pleasant." Is *pleasant* enough for you - or do you think it would grow into something more (ie, emotionally, physically and spiritually satisfying)? Have you considered M or couples counselling with your H? Why are you considering remaining in your M - because you love your H and would like to continue the M, or for your children? If your son was not handicapped, would you consider remaining in the M? (I'm not being judgmental if you are staying in the M for your children).
Has OMM met your children? Has he taken an active part in participating with the help of your son - I know you say he would be willing to help raise your children...does he understand all that is involved? In my opinion, it doesn't matter that you and OMM haven't spent the night together - after all, that entails sleeping (well, and the sex in between, which I assume you participate in anyway, lol), and I can't see that being a problem, lol. Do you mean participating in the normal every day little things? Of course it makes a relationship more attractive to have limited time together - no time to learn the annoying habits, lol - do you think if both you and OMM were divorced that you would immediately marry, or would you have an open "courtship" first? Hmmm...what if OMM divorces, and after two years decides he wants to date before remarrying - if you were divorced as well, how would you handle this (since you said you would not be able to physically take care of your son on your own)?
Honey, either relationship is going to take work and continued matinenance. You must make a choice based on what you want/need for you (and obviously your children are a priority) - not based on someone else's actions (ie., H's anger/abuse or OMM's divorcing) because they may not act as anticipated. Whatever you do, don't regret it - because you are making choices based on your needs today - and if those needs change, you have the ability to make a decision at that time.
I wish you happiness in whatever you decide - be sure to keep us updated!
Meow
My H really is trying. He was away on business and he stopped home this morning between the airport and his office and brought me a hot cup of coffee and a pair of earrings he picked up on his trip. He also asked me on a date for tomorrow night, to which I said yes. Unfortunately, I've also already planned to have dinner with OMM tonight and a date with him for Friday. I'm going to exhaust myself with these two guys.
Thanks alot for the feedback.