advice needed.. help

Avatar for mikkolover
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
advice needed.. help
6
Wed, 08-13-2003 - 4:42am
so i slept with the man i loved for 20 years, last jan, and adore my dh who has been fantastic about everything, but find myself thinking all the time about this man. We had been long distance friends up until that night i went to see him. we had great talks and great sex, and he knew about my dh, and i knew that i loved him as i had since i was 6 years old, when we first met, but i wrote to him in april, like we were doing last year, normal letter, normal things, nothing with pressure, or asking him for anything, just he promised our friendship would not be 1-sided, so no response then. and just b4 my 26 b-day, a breakdown. i wrote him, asked why sleeping with me was ok, now or ever, how it wasn't JUST sex, but different, and that i loved him, always have and will, but this can't go on anymore, that its killing me to have him on my mind, when i adore my dh, and my life but also him, and now, 1 month later, still nothing. have i lost my life long friend. He is my friend, i don't want him as more, but i want him to be honest with me. tell me to f-off, or come and live and love him forever. but now i fear i lost him for good.

you ladies have always been a great support in the past , i only hope someone can help me, cause my dh wants a baby, and i do too, but feel like i am waiting.. for an answer that may never come. i am a mess. thanks everyone!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
Wed, 08-13-2003 - 9:11am


I don't know if I can offer you any advice. From your post I think that you need to ask yourself what exactly you want. You say that you adore your DH but you never say that you love him. If nothing ever happens with your OM are you happy to stay with DH and things the way they are. You do however say that you love OM. Is your OM single and available or is he also M? Have you and your OM ever talked about the feelings you both have? Are you certain exactly what OM wants from a R with you? In your post it is all about you contacting OM, does he ever contact you, has he ever responded to any of your letters? Communication is key.

You don't have to answer these questions on the board but you should think about all of this. If it has been a month since you last contacted him and he hasn't responded I would think that may be your answer. Maybe give it some more time and then just send him something like a card (something about friendship), do not lay your heart open again, you have said it before and he knows so let it be (a girl has to have her pride).

I am a little concerned about you talking about having a baby. Please do not rush into that just yet, wait and decide what it is that you want from your DH, your M and your life. You are still young and have time. If you are having all of these confusing thoughts/emotions, do you really want to bring a baby into it? Know that we are here for you to vent/cry/ask for support in whatever you decide to do. Good luck and keep us posted. DAF

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 08-13-2003 - 10:00am
Perhaps seeking professional counseling will help you sort things out. There are a lot of things in life that we want that aren't good for us and "if it feels good do it" isn't a very healthy life style in the long run. Lily
Avatar for mikkolover
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Thu, 08-14-2003 - 4:11am
hello, thanks for your posting. I Do love my DH, but part of me will always love OM becaúse he has been in my life since I was 6. I know the exact moment that i knew i loved him, and we pretty much just ignored eachother all through high school, but I was always there to bare it all, time and time again. I know its toxic, and then when the chance came to visit him, I went and didn't think anything would happen. Kinda hoped cause I had loved him all that time, but never imagined. So now its happened, and he isn't mature about it at all. He is single now. Had a GF for 6 years but she is toxic too. He's been sleeping with her, and she flies ( literally) back and forth into his life every few months. We talked about her a lot, and he wouldn't want to be with her again, but we also talked about us, and we both made it CLEAR that we would never work as a couple. We both couldn't imagine being with the other forever, but part of me wants him somewhere forever. Even if just as a friend. But now I know what you mean about a girl keeping her pride. I think mine is gone. Honestly, I am too confident and independant to die waiting for his reply. Why do i let him kee´p the ball in his court?

As far as seeing someone to talk about it, as another person said, I am a trained psycho therapist. And i still don't know whats wrong. YOu teach people how to treat you, i know that, but for some reason I NEED him there in my life, and i wish i knew why.. No reply, for the millionth time, I know that he is gone. I just can't bare to think that.

thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Thu, 08-14-2003 - 9:56am
Mikko,

I met my first love (or should I say my first infatuation/love/my everything) when I was about 12 years old...and I simply worshipped him. I guess you can say we dated, but let's face it, we were in junior high, and who really 'dates' at 14 years old. I lost my virginity to him, and I think I was his first, but really, I'm not even sure...

I obsessed over him for many more years -- even when I was happily seeing other people. In my mind, his feelings were as real as mine, but looking back, I can see that it may have been relatively one sided...that is what happens with infatuations, I guess.

So in college, we went to the same school for a couple of years. Our lives were completely different, and I was seriously involved with someone else. Who knows what he was up to. But when I would run into him, I swear, I would melt!! I have NEVER felt so much electricity for another person in my life. My heart rate goes up. My cheeks start burning...Even 10 years later!! Even though we didn't have much to say to one another, we would talk, talk about going out for dinner, drinks -- but never did it. (Thank goodness! I dont think I could take it).

And even now, every once in awhile, I will dream about him. And I can definitely say that he will always be in my heart in a special way. But so what? We have gone our separate paths, and I truly love my life.

Would you say your feelings are more of the infatuation/obsessive type? I think they have to be if you don't have any real, regular contact with him...If I were you, just be happy with how that makes you feel. I think I am more 'in love' with the idea of my friend -- we haven't had regular contact for 10 years, mind you. If I knew the 'real' him, I probably wouldn't even like him...(but maybe, he is such a hottie...lol!!)

When you see him again, I'm sure all of these feelings will come back...but remember, he will always be PERFECT in your head -- you will never let him do you wrong!

Good luck, sweetie!

Alameda

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Thu, 08-14-2003 - 10:06am
I think Alameda has a good point. It's easy to idealize an old flame - especially if it was your first love. I saw mine two years ago (we were 6 when it all started too, dated on and off through high school and college, etc.) and I spent quite a bit of time fantasizing about him after. I understand how one could be so emotional about it - first love is a powerful thing, but just try to keep things in perspective!

 

Avatar for mikkolover
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Fri, 08-15-2003 - 4:37am
thank you guys, amanda, you know exactly how i feel, he will always be perfect in my mind, even though he isn't really in life. thank you for all your advice you have really been a big help. i know that i am happy and in love with DH, but can't get OM outta my life, cause he's just always been there. Regards to you and happy weekend.. bye