Remember me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Remember me?
8
Wed, 08-13-2003 - 3:08pm
hey all those that remember me and hello to all that are new! :)

I've been in my A for about 4 months now and it's gone through SO much already it's UNREAL! But this past weekend we pretty much got caught - we did damage control and MM's W doesn't know that it was a full blown A just that we had feelings for each other but never acted on them! Well, MM is pretty distraught over the whole thing because he really does love his W and is now in the "I'm gonna fix my marriage" stage! :( Which leaves me out in the cold! BUT I am getting LITTLE signs that he still wants me - in some form or another and I'm being evil and trying to make sure he still wants me!

My question for you all is... from what you know about As and the MM who get involved what are the odds he'll come back to me and continue what we have? How long does it typically take? and what can I do to help this process? (keep in mind he DOES love his wife and will NEVER leave her - but apparently still has feelings for me!)

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
In reply to: imanewposter
Wed, 08-13-2003 - 3:23pm
hi imanewposter hugs sweetie for my first affair my ex-mm got scare but he came back to me it wasn't that long he came back to me.then l had to moved another state but in feb 19 1999 he came back to me tehn until july 2001 he broke for good but still thinks about all the time said what had together very special to him.sweetie wish had answer for you just see what happens with your mm ok. are you single like me l would give anything now have mm l have now he lives another state miss him so much. hugs kimmy
kimmy
Avatar for prettyribbons4u
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
In reply to: imanewposter
Wed, 08-13-2003 - 3:33pm
This is my second affair with the same man. We had an affair back in 1991, then my H found out...then seemed like everyone else did also, including his wife (who thought it was just talking going on...???) She got pregnant and I left him alone because I knew he that he loved her and it was his first child and not trying to knock anyone here that goes with MM while the W is pregnant...I just couldn't personally do it, to me....it made me feel like a worse person than what I already felt at times. Anyway, we just recently started seeing one another again about 5 months ago, so for us....it took almost exactly 12 years << little longer than you were expecting huh, lol. It just happened this way I guess, we went on with our lifes, had kids, made a life...then we bump into each other and it's like we never stopped talking, doesn't make sense I know, but that's a long time to wait and I think I was waiting...whether I ever actually admitted it or not. That's why this time I just can't ever see letting him go again for any reason.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
In reply to: imanewposter
Wed, 08-13-2003 - 3:37pm
I've not had that situation, but I think that you are worth more than waiting around for him...I would not interfere if my MM was wanting to fix his marriage, just as I expect space if I choose the same...I don't see it as a personal reflection on You, and what he feels for You, he is just in a marriage that he is not willing to give up, so this is bound to happen...jmho...take care of Yourself...
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
In reply to: imanewposter
Wed, 08-13-2003 - 6:41pm
well... I guess it's over... today when I asked for him to show up at my place tomorrow morning he basically made it clear he can't even think of that yet. I told him I give up! I normally wouldn't mind and HAVE given him time and space when he needed it - but this time I NEED him - and I need to know he still values what we have - but apparently he doesn't - well atleast not as much as his "life" so I will just HAVE to move on - no matter how much it hurts... :( And man it hurts!

Funny how when it comes right down to it you really do see what's important to the MM!

Best of luck to all of you... now where is that "ending an affair support" borad!? :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
In reply to: imanewposter
Thu, 08-14-2003 - 11:16am
ugh - I was hoping to hear from some of my old familiar buddies - I can't decide if I'm walking away too soon or what - wish I knew what to do! anyone have any advice?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: imanewposter
Thu, 08-14-2003 - 12:49pm
i'm feeling your pain poster. can you hang in there for a little while? men are creatures of habit and your guy has pulled back from you to bolster his M because of the possibility that his W knows what's going on. the same thing happened to me. my BF suspected something and looked through my stuff until he found some writings (never put anything in writing - how stupid was i!) and confronted me. i denied it all and went to work on my relationship. MM and i took a two-week break -- it was all we could stand. and he wasn't even hesitant about still seeing each other -- he was all for it! everything is cool now, all the way around.

i guess what i'm saying is that i believe he will be back. he knows you care for him and the sex is great from what i can remember of your posts, so hang in there and be open for the possibility of getting back together, after a little time passes and he's not so afraid of losing his M. i know it's hard, but if you can wait for a few weeks, i promise you he will be in touch with you.

unless you want to move on. in which case, tally ho!

hang in there and take care of yourself,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
In reply to: imanewposter
Thu, 08-14-2003 - 6:43pm
Hi poster,

I think I'd have to agree with gurl on this one. If you know that he isn't going to leave his wife for you and you are prepared to still want him... then give him a little while to work things out with her and ensure that it's ok. He's in damage control and needs to allow enough time before he steps back so quickly with you.

I too have been caught by DH several years ago... and am supposed to be in no contact with MM from that very day... I think I spoke to him the next day to explain the situation... and while we did maitain a reasonable amount of email contact... I don't think we even discussed meeting up for a least a month. Just to let the dust settle and see where we stood... MM would have stepped back at anytime should I asked... but I didn't... and I feel 2 years on we go from strength to strength.

MM is a little like yours... although his wife and he have had quite a few problems... I think he still loves her in many ways and is not prepared to walk from their marriage... and I guess I'm in a similar position. We understand one another... and give each other space when required.

If you want it so much... just give him that little bit of time.

Let us know how things go.

luv and hugs

Sweet

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: imanewposter
Fri, 08-15-2003 - 12:07am
Hiya Poster - yes, I remember you.

I'm going to reply to this post and your other post "Everyone please read and respond" together.

In this post you write, "BUT I am getting LITTLE signs that he still wants me - in some form or another and I'm being evil and trying to make sure he still wants me!" And, in your other post you write, "Mine lasted 4 months - and now I'm faced with it being over - and yet I could see it going on indefinitely if I don't break the tie NOW! I mean WHY would I want it to go on that long and if I got away from it through a "break" why would I ever go back to it?"

It sounds like you are conflicted...you want him to want you, but you wonder why you'd want it to be a long-term A. Are you in the A for the man, or the relationship?

If you are in it for the man, you should give him the space he needs to work things out in his head and home. It doesn't mean you are giving the control to him, because you know you can move on if you need/want to. Besides, if he comes back, you'll have the satisfaction of knowing he did so because he wanted to and not because you were "being evil" (lol, are you teasing him?). Although it's been only a year for us, MM & I both need breaks - to keep a perspective, to focus on other areas in our life, etc. - and it isn't a threat to our relationship at all.

If you are in it for the relationship, you should decide if *you* want to wait, and how long. I have read quite a few times on this board, and even on the Ending Affair board after NC is initiated, that the OM/MM often comes back (though not always). If you decide to wait, still give MM the space he needs, while keeping busy in your own life - you may miss him or what you have, but don't let it be a priority over anything else.

Think positive - maybe this break is good for *you* - you will have a clearer head to think (but don't analyze too much, lol) on what you want...to move on, or a relationship that could last anywhere from another day to indefinitely.

JMHO of course.

Nice to "see" you again Poster, though I'm sorry it's because of difficulties. Keep your chin up, and keep us posted!

Meow