Everyone please read... and respond!?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Everyone please read... and respond!?
12
Thu, 08-14-2003 - 11:20am
I keep reading how some of these As go on for years and years but they must have breaks dispersed through out right? I mean an A that goes on for 13 years - that must have like a big old break in there somewhere yeah? and obviously you don't see each other daily I mean that would be a WHOLE nother relationship to tend to - how could you do that day in day out? So, it must be like see each other once a year or something right? Just wondering how these As can go on for so long!?

Mine lasted 4 months - and now I'm faced with it being over - and yet I could see it going on indefinitely if I don't break the tie NOW! I mean WHY would I want it to go on that long and if I got away from it through a "break" why would I ever go back to it?

Just looking for some wise thoughts on this! ;)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Thu, 08-14-2003 - 11:34am
My A has been going on for 5 years, but yes we did take a break when I got pregnant with twins. Our break was about a year and a half. However, we did see each other and talked, we were never physical. It is almost like carrying on another relationship. It is getting to the point where it is tough. I am in love with two men, who would have ever thought that would happen.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Thu, 08-14-2003 - 11:37am
Mine has been going on for 20 months. I see my OM most weekdays, since we work together, both in the office and out of it. We talk on the phone if we're driving at the same time, and we email each other in the office and when he's traveling. We rarely talk to or email each other on the weekends.

*Yes*, it is a whole other relationship that we nurture in addition to the ones with our spouses and children. Humans are capable of limitless love, if they will only stop imposing barriers on themselves - barriers like artificial rules about how you should feel or selfishness about what they expect to get back from loving someone. How else could a parent love every one of his/her children?

We hope our relationship will last for years - the rest of our lives, if we're lucky. We care for each other like we care for our spouses, and we both give a lot of ourselves to each other and our spouses. It does take effort and it is not always easy, but the good things in life - especially good relationships with your loved ones - never are.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-14-2003 - 11:48am
hey poster -- my A has been going strong, with no breaks, for over 3 years. i can see it going on indefinitely unless we get caught! the A started as just "sex", but has deepened into lots of emotions, love, caring, jealousy. even though he's M and i'm in a committed relationship, we try to be considerate of each other's feelings. we are all social and frequently interact so i see him over some weekends, in addition to at least once a week and daily (sometimes 2 or 3) phone calls. i guess we have a whole "nother relationship" now.....

see ya,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 08-14-2003 - 1:05pm
My EMA has been going on for about a year and a half now and I too have found myself loving two men. I agree totally with the poster who compared the limitless love we have with being a parent and loving our children. My OM and I have developed very strong feelings and if I had to guess they are not likely to diminish over time. I think EMA last longer than the typical relationship because you're not exposed to one another on a daily basis or living that routine life with your OM/OW. Being in an EMA is much like being in a fantasy but it does take alot of effort to keep it going strong and to work around the obstacles to spend time with eachother.

OM and I are both comfortable in our situation, Im married and he's commited. However, in all reality we are both likely to have times where we simply need to take a break for life events such as his marriage and my starting a family. Its just bound to happen and I think we both recognize that. What I dont know is how dealing with those life events will affect each of us. I cant tell you how I will feel when his wedding day is set and the clock is ticking, let alone that day. Or how he will feel when I tell him Ive decided to try to have a baby or when the baby is born and my time is even more limited. Granted a break will likely be in order. I would like to think our love would bring us back when the time is right but like all good things, most end...but, I think ending things to avoid a future heartbreak isn't living your life...

Liberal

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-14-2003 - 1:16pm
hey shag. i agree with your post. we can love and care and want to be with more than one person at a time, but it takes work. but so does any relationship - parent, child, lover, friend.

as for breaks and changes -- that is a natural progression in one's life. his marriage will of course take time out of the A just for the fact of planning and executing a wedding, the event, the honeymoon, etc. and the probable guilt he'll develop because he is just married but wants to be with you at the first opportunity. and likewise when you start a family. trying to conceive, being pregnant, having the baby, getting acclimated to the baby's schedule and all that will inevitably cause you to take a break because having a baby is hard, time-consuming, rewarding work!

hopefully you will continue to enjoy your EMA. you (or he) will leave it when it's no longer fun and/or becomes hurtful to you or others.

take care,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Thu, 08-14-2003 - 3:27pm
I've been in my EMA for exactly a year and a half and it's definitely taken on a life of its own! We see each other almost every day, even if its just for coffee or a quick smooch (we live way too close to each other!). The other responses to your post were definitely food for thought - I've been feeling this incredible pressure because my OMM suddenly wants a commitment from me and my H wants to work on our marriage. I just don't know if I have the energy to nurture both, especially since we all know how needy men can be and how special they need to feel!!!!

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Thu, 08-14-2003 - 7:47pm
Hi poster,

I've been in my EMA for just over 3 years now... and although we have never declared any feelings in there... I feel our relationship just keeps getting stronger and stronger. We are both married and neither of us want an out from our marriage... we understand one another, have a great respect for each other and the biggest and most important of all... we do not place any demands on the other.

I originally started this relationship purely for the sex... but over time we have been through numourouse life experiences that I feel have brought us closer. When I meet MM he was involved with a SOW (which I won't got into detail as it's complex) and his wife had just become pregnant with their second child. He was in emotional turmoil... he was in love with the OW but would never ever leave his wife and family for someone else... he had a child on the way that he wasn't sure he wanted... he was going through a lot. I stepped up and supported this man the best I could... and in all his turmoil... he supported me through my own marriage problems... and also the separation and divorce of my parents. Why he ever got involved with me with all in his life I still wonder about... why take another risk??

Anyway... we become strong friends... we dealt with DH discovering our affair... the breakup of his other... and then a little later my own pregnancy with my second child. It was during this that my feelings for him... to me... become apparent. My DH had always taken a step back from intimacy while pregnant... although a little better this time he still distanced himself... MM didn't and he was very gentle and I saw a different side to him... and that did it for me.

It's not easy working on two relationships... but I feel it can be done... as long as you don't sacrifice one for the other and make demands on either one... both relationships need to be nurtured. I have yet to take a break from MM... in all that we've been through... while maybe not having any physical contact we have remained in touch with constant emails keeping each other up to date on what's going on in our lives.

It can be a hard balance to obtain... but I think and hope that I've found it and at this stage I don't have any intentions of ending my EMA.

Hope that's given you food for thought.

luv and hugs

Sweet

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Thu, 08-14-2003 - 8:43pm
Going on 3 years with no breaks. We talk everyday and see each other a few times a month on average. We started out because the sparks that were flying all around us for 2+ years got the best of us. At 2 years, we told each other that we were in love. Ever since, our relationship is even stronger than before. The intensity of love that I feel for this man is amazing. I am absolutely smitten with him. I hope it lasts forever.

Hugs

RH

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Tue, 08-19-2003 - 1:19pm
anyone else?

I'm really getting worried that once we don't work together it will be EXTREMELY hard to find time for each other! :( I hate the thought of not seeing him daily - even if there is no true contact between us! Email will never be good for us and I will have a hard time calling him if I don't know "where" he is (I do NOT call him when I know he's with W).

I guess I figure the average is once a month and that just doesn't work for me - I need to see him more than that! I NEED TO! :) LOL

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2003
Tue, 08-19-2003 - 1:44pm
I have also been in my A for almost 5 years. We have never had a break as of yet. We have only almost called it off once. I, like you love my MM with all my heart. I hope mine goes on for many years to come. Our phyiscal contact has been scaled way back due to circumstances, but we talk every day, even most weekends. I just can't imagine not having him in my life. It is for sure, another whole relationship with us.

Angel

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