Want to introduce myself...(m)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2003
Want to introduce myself...(m)
5
Thu, 08-14-2003 - 12:38pm
Just wanted to introduce myself as I've been lurking for a few weeks now....I'm a newbie at this situation, but very familiar with iVillage boards, so hopefully I'll figure out the abbreviations here pretty quickly ;)

I have been having an EMA for a little bit over a month now, but I should probably rephrase that to say that it's been *physical* for a month. My OM and I have been progressing down this road for more than a year and only had a conversation about it evolving into a physical relationship six weeks ago. He is married with children, as am I. We have both agreed that this will never lead to anything more - neither of us plan to leave our spouses (he has been married for 15 years; I've been married for 2). Despite our love for our spouses, he thinks he's in love with me, and I think I'm in love with him as well.

I guess if I have a question, it's this: can someone explain to me how I can love my DH and also be in love with my OM? And knowing that he will never leave his DW (and I don't plan to leave my DH, although I am questioning whether or not we should be married at this point!), is this just a bad idea altogether? I mean, when I'm thinking rationally, it seems pointless to continue (or for that matter, have even begun) an EMA that will never be anything more than what we have now - no potential for a future together beyond physical togetherness. But OM and I have discussed this, and neither of us wants to change what little time we do have together. I'm just "morally confused" right now, I guess. Can any of you relate?

Anyway, I'm really glad to have found this board, and I look forward to "meeting" all of you!

 

ItalianPisces

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2003
Thu, 08-14-2003 - 1:01pm
Welcome!!! And I know exactly what you mean. While I do have my problems with my M I love my H dearly. And I know he loves his W as well. Why does it have to be so wrong to love 2 at the same time? I would perfectly content spending the rest of my life with both. I'm just hoping that everything continues to go smoothly. But I wonder why on earth we ever met and have the feelings that we do for eachother. Is it fate?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-14-2003 - 1:06pm
welcome italianpisces! i have two italian pisces children. too funny.

there a post somewhere down this board about what the abbrevations are. i think you can search for it somehow, just not sure how to do that.

i believe humans can love more than one person at a time. someone else wrote that in a post yesterday and i agree totally.

you have developed an attachment to this man since you started talking 18 months ago and moved on, in a natural progression, to being physically involved. you actually "dated" a long time before having sex!

as for the question of starting and/or having an EMA when it cannot go anywhere -- where are you now? with a man you care about and want to spend time with. you're right that it probably will not go too much farther, but take it for what it is and enjoy the time you get to spend with your MM and also the time you spend with your H.

you say you've been married for 2 years. if you love your H and want to stay in your M, try to concentrate on spending quality time with him when you're home. and when you can steal away, concentrate on your fun time with MM. you're not building a future with your MM, this R is strictly for the present time and for as long as it lasts. not every love relationship works out, does it.

i have to keep reminding myself that my MM is strictly fun and games even though we both care/love too much. sometimes i get a little depressed when i realize that it can never be a permanent R, but i do want to be with my MM every chance i get and i am. but i do take care to spend lots of quality time and shower attention on my BF so everyone is happy. that way i get to do what i want without lots of questions or suspicions.

stay on that rollercoaster and hang on!

take care,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Thu, 08-14-2003 - 10:10pm
Hi IP and welcome,

As soon as I'm finished here I will bump the welcome message to members that will give you a few abbreviations and also a little run down of the board that may help you out.

I think what you asked has been posed in another post here quiet recently and if I can find that... I will bump that too for you to look at.

Both MM and I are married and while we both have marriage problems... neither of us is looking at leaving our marriages and we have both made that very clear to one another. I know my feelings for my DH have changed... but I do still love him and I want both of us to enjoy our children and live a somewhat content life together. MM while he once said that he no longer loved his wife... I've always felt that there is still quite a lot there and while he was very unhappy for an amount of time... he too has worked on things at home and is content in his life with his wife and children.

While I don't know exactly how MM feels about me... I know he cares about me and we have something special... I can feel this in what he does rather what he says. I know myself... I have fallen in love with this man... but I'm not asking any more than I was in the beginning... knowing he is there for me in his special way and we are the best of friends is quiet enough for me.

I've had a lot to think about over the last couple of years and one thing I learned is to live for the moment... I don't look ahead and I don't look behind... I cherish what is special in my life now and make the most of it day by day.

I know it's wrong to want more than one man... but if I could live the rest of my life with MM there part time then nothing would make me happier.

There really is no right or wrong way to do this... it's all about how you can cope with it and still live a life that makes you happy.

hope I've helped just a little.

luv and hugs

Sweet

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Fri, 08-15-2003 - 1:14am
Hi italian and welcome!

How can you love DH and OM at the same time? Personally, I care for my OM deeply, but I am not in love with him -- I love our time together, I love the excitement, the intimacy, the talks, the desire -- but I am not in love with him and I know that our A is/was short-lived (mine is more or less over these days...).

And the A is making you question your M, as well as it should! Well, what is missing from your M that drove you to take interest in OM? You say you love DH and didn't suggest that there were any problems, but look again -- what is missing from your M? Is it desire? Are you tired of the habit of everyday? Communication issues? So comfortable with one another that excitement is nil? Only you can say what is missing -- but when you can answer that, it might help you figure out why you turned to OM (before the love feelings cropped up).

If you think your M can be fixed, then I suggest you work at it before you become too emotionally overwrought by OM and too detached from your H...

As far as loving more than one goes -- I think people change, and I think it is normal to want/need new things -- and if you choose to go outside of your M, rather than create a new R with your H, then that is your choice. But know that it is a choice.

Good luck to you sweetie, and keep us posted!

Alameda

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Fri, 08-15-2003 - 9:59am
I completely understand where you are coming from. And yes I do think it is possible to love both H and MM. If you are comfortable with seeing both, then go for it!!