No secrets? LONG ;)
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| Thu, 08-14-2003 - 3:15pm |
Lemme intro myself... I've been lurking around for months and feel like I know many of you already. I suppose before I go anywhere, I should say where I started.
I met my MM online, about 2 months ago. I assumed he was single... I didn't have any reason to believe otherwise yet, honestly didn't consider it, and we started off slow. Email, IM'ing, light phone calls from/ to work, and the like ~ it was all very nice. No, sexy. After checking the website profile, and prodding from my best friend, I asked in a very openly understanding way if he was married and he said that he was. What a catch he "had" been! I was crushed. We kept talking so I could keep up the facade to him that I didn't care, and after I a few weeks, I found that I truly did not.
So, his stats: he's 36 but looks much younger, is really breathtakingly handsome. He's been M about 11 years, and while I think he has children, I haven't ever asked. Might be afraid to. Might not want to know. He's very well off, and can take off whenever he wants during the day. I unfortunately can not! The irony of THAT. He's had another relationship like ours before, but she was married too and they were wonderfully agreeable with everything until she had to move.
My stats: I am 26, very single, never married no kids. I was very involved in a relationship for a year and a half a year ago that ended very badly (he was an alcoholic that wanted my help, begged for it, then hated me for it and was beginning to abuse me so I left) and I think it burned me. I dated guy after guy that lived out of state, before settling down and talking to my MM.
Our stats: IM or email every day, occasionally call... and we have met once for a WONDERFUL sex. The best I've had in years - certainly some of the best in my life. Not a statement I ever make... and it's kind of scary. He tells me he's thinking about me, is very passionate and sweet... and yet I tend to keep things on a sexual level and barely acknowledge his sweetness. He wants to meet again... and his to emails me about it are frank and gentle. I connected with him so fast, so hard... he was the perfect partner, in every way.
We are gearing up for more, it's like a building energy. I want to know more about him, and don't mind the arrangement however it works out, but whatever the answers are, I find myself at a loss how to ask the questions. Not sure why... maybe feel like I don't deserve to ask... what the hell is wrong with me?
Should I wait to let him tell me everything, or can I ask questions? I think I might be afraid of busting the bubble... it feels so good.

If it were me... I'd be asking questions... I too met MM online somewhat 3 years ago and more... but right from the start we were open and honest with each other... have never been otherwise. We weren't actually looking for anything but friendship... but we ended up heading down and exploring the sexual side and I can't say that I've looked back.
MM and I are too very agreeable about our relationship... in subtle ways we let each other know that we can't really be jealous of the other... we are both married with children and while we both have problems within our marriages... neither of us wants to walk away from them... this 'arrangement' suits us.
I feel that because we are both married... it makes it a little easier to handle the relationship... I have my own life and family... and while MM does cross my mind often... I'm not bogged down in the relationship... so to speak and it's really like a breathe of fresh air to me.
I think you need to communicate with this man... and find out exactly where you stand... it does appear that he is just looking for that something special to keep on the side and not looking to get out of his marriage. While you can handle this now... what happens when your feelings change... and more than likely after a certain amount of time... they will. Can you handle being the OW knowing that he won't walk away???
Don't think you don't deserve to ask... as you have every right to know... but can you handle whatever he tell you??? that is another question to ask yourself. As I said MM and I are very open with each other... and we don't have a problem even discussing things that could be termed intimate... and it really doesn't bother me... in fact sometimes I even get quite amused by certain things that others would probably not and I can tease him about things that I probably shouldn't... but it's all just part and parcel of our relationship and I enjoy that we can be open without any issues or hangups... but I do know that a lot of other women on board in EMA's can not handle knowing all the intimate or even family details as they feel they are being left out of MM's life... this to me makes me more a part of it.
I'm not sure that I've answered what you are asking... then again... I don't think that you asked anything specific... but I think that you do need to answer yourself the few questions I posed before heading full on into this... as no matter how hard you try... there is always the rollercoaster to ride.
luv and hugs
Sweet
Sweet
Co-Community Leader My
I'm confused here -- have you not openly discussed having an A? If not, and you really want to continue this A, I suggest you discuss these things. You don't necessarily have to know everything about his life/wife, but if you want to get to know him, you should feel entitled to ask questions. Does he ask questions about your life? If he doesn't, then that may tell you something about his feelings for you. If he does, then you should feel at ease to ask back. But, again, the A hasn't been going on very long, so it may be awkward.
If MM hasn't shared his life with you, my guess is that it is for one of the following reasons:
1) he is trying to escape his life -- so why talk about it with you (you are his escape in this scenario)
2) by talking about his everyday life, he may fear scaring you off...you may become jealous, disenchanted, or worse, bored (as he may very well be in his M)
3) things are new -- you are only just getting to know one another...why complicate it with reality?
4) he's only after sex, not necessarily a confident...
5) things are new, what is the rush?
I don't know your MM, but you suggested in your post that it is sexual. When you start asking questions/getting to know him, you risk getting involved and turning the sex into intimacy -- is that what you want? Do you want to be the OW? Always in second place? Always the OW??? If you don't (and I can't imagine anyone in their 20s would want to be) you should think about what you want out of this A and MM...
--Also, the only secret is that he is having an A with you, not that he has a wife and probably children. I hate to be harsh here, but if you are going to have an A, you should know from here on out that you are OW and you are the secret.
I suggest you take time off of men, figure out what you want. If it is MM, Im sure he will be there after you sort all of this out. Forget about the fact that he has a job, money, stability. Forget about your last b/f. Figure out what makes you happy and try to disentangle the men in your life from that scenario...
If you like online dating, try to screen those MMs...
I hope this isn't too harsh!
Alameda