Im so confused about MM advise pls...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Im so confused about MM advise pls...
10
Thu, 08-14-2003 - 3:51pm
I have had a few posts on here...this is kinda a long...

Brief intro..I have been with my MM 6months...started as friends then A. When I met him his W was pregnant she had her baby in May..MM says he loves his baby girl but not for that will he stay with W. He just got hired on full time at a school he is a teacher so he was waiting for the school year to start in order to get a job and depend on himself...he just graduated now he is working on his masters. He has only really lives with W a little over a year and he asked her to leave or for him to leave and she asked to try it out..he did..she stopped BC and got pregnant...so he asked her after the baby he was unhappy and wanted to leave..she wants marriage counseling he does not. W is very needy calls him constantly. Now I have her calling me she knows we are friends..I met her last week actually MM and I got caught. We were suppose to meet for a baseball game and she got the message before he did and came to our meeting place...nice woman we met I said hi and she said she does not know why MM lies..I said thats between you and him. He had told her that only my sis bf was going. I said it was just a last minute thing H was not aware. Anyhow she got upset we still went. She thinks we are only friends or lets say thats what she wants to believe becuase its obvious we are not. She called me to apologize for sneaking up on me like that but she does not know whats wrong with H. I am a fair woman I said I told her you do what makes you happy and she told me she loves H and even if he does not and he wants a D she wants to try to work it out. She said people are putting things in her head...the only advise I gave her was YOU cant listen to other people do what you think is right and if you love him try to work things out. I told her I had asked her H if I should not call him anymore and I should backout and she asked me what he said...I said he told me NO. I told W if you want me to back away becuase you think I am a problem in your M you need to talk to H and let him know how you feel and ask him to tell me to leave and I will. She said she has and he says that he really likes me and enjoys spending time with me...so then she tells me if he likes you more then me becuase it seems you spend more time with him then keep him. I told her it was not like that...they had issues to clear up.

I mean I left a message Sunday night on his cell phone not a nice one we were suppose to meet up and he did not call nor show up so I told him I was not his W - he could have the descency to call me and say he was not coming but dont leave me hangin like that...I said this is sandy im not your wife who takes everything.

Well come to find out his wife got the message and she sent it to his sister...OMG - his sis called to cuz me out...I told her to talk to her brother and she said she was...MM had no clue until I told him and he went off on his sister and his W...so W calls me and says she gets the bad end of everything...I told her I did not appreciate his sister getting involve and cuzzing me out...and besides I was getting hang up calls from MM's phone between 1-2am and it was not MM and I did not appreciate that...she stayed quite. MM said that I guess his W was thinking if family was involved he would back away from me but it was not happening....

So really I dont know what to think to that...I left a message on MM last night and told him that I was plannin on backing away and to let the path clear for his W she loved him and was the mother of his child..i told him please dont bother calling me back...he called me back and said he did not want to let me go...I told him well you cant really please both of us...something needs to happen becuase she is on us and if you want her then go. He tells me NO he loves me.

IM SO CONFUSED...and I do love him...I just dont know....he is not leaving her...he says he will but when...this comes out of him...I have not asked him to leave her and I would not do that...its on him.

too much DRAMA!!

Avatar for prettyribbons4u
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Thu, 08-14-2003 - 5:06pm
hey sandy, that is really major drama to say the least! I don't see how you put up with it, I know it's because you love him and can't let him go...same as everyone else on here feels at some time or another. But in my opinion, since his wife evidently does know there's something else there beside just friendship, it's totally up to him at this point to do "something" about it. I'm also confused as to what...I guess because she (the W) seems willing to stay and put up with anything (which is sad also, like we said before) but if he really wants to leave.....then wouldn't now, be a good time? As far as his sister, it really isn't any of her business and she didn't have any right what-so-ever to call you, even if she felt for the sister in law or whatever she was thinking at the time. He is only her brother, not her lover etc., I have three brothers of my own and am close to all of them but who they sleep with....that's another story!! Even if it's not their wifes...lol. I think you are right to put your foot down and demand that you stop being thrown in the middle of their strange relationship. I mean if he intends to stay...and keep seeing you...you shouldn't have to put up with her crap nor his. It would've really ticked me off for him not to call or show up and I would've done the same thing as you (when you said, I'm not your wife) I don't care how busy he was, or what happened...only takes a second to be considerate...which is what I'm going through now myself as you know from my other post. Anyway, good luck with it and let us know how it goes!

{{hugs}}

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Thu, 08-14-2003 - 5:17pm
Hey prettyribbons..I pmd you earlier...my pc had crashed out..got it back though!!

OMG - I know the drama...agghhh...Its just I dont know what to think at all...she calls me I mean I dont know if I posted it but she called me a few hours later looking for him...I knew where he was out..I cant believe she did not...he was renting some movies for his girls and them. I know she knows...but she decides to stay...and be in denial im assuming...I just dont understand whats keeping him there. He is rude to her....well around me and according to her all the time..so why is he there and why does she put up with it???

I mean now that he has a job I guess will see...he will have a full paycheck ... and lets see now if that was the issue...money...it could be he does have a two girls well one lives with him...besides the baby....so it would be hard until he has some good savings to walk out. I would think...but he really does not say...actually I have not asked...I dont want him to think I am pressuring him or anything like that. Becuase I dont know if I would want to like move in with him. I would want him to leave but be on his own and see what he wants and for me to see what I want.

Yes I read your other post..how is that coming along?? How are you doing??

Avatar for prettyribbons4u
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Thu, 08-14-2003 - 9:30pm
It may be some type of security issue with him or something, maybe he's the type that wants to keep her around "because" she WILL put up with anything, ya know what I mean? I think you are right, now that he has a job..you'll be able to see, maybe not right away, cause I think things like that do take time. Money is an issue with most people, whether they admit it or not, it has alot to do with why people make certain decisions at certain times I think. I agree with you about not asking too, I'm like that..I never ask "certain" things that MM might consider as me pressuring him about...though we've haven't talked at all about leaving either of our situations. And, at least for me...it totally out of the question...at this point, as is the case with him also I think. For an update to my previous post...I swear I don't know what's going on!!! It's like everything has been "wonderful" since we had our talk and brought things into perspective, it's like we were totally back on the same page with one another. Then, Tuesday afternoon, I talked to him for a bit and then we had to go but I had texted him to see if that night would be a good night for me to come see him, he texted me back and said yes, but then called me...like 5 minutes later and said, that his w had just called him in between the time he texted me and him calling and said that she was on her way home from work and was going to stop by his work...so I said, well, that's okay...we'll do it another night, I was really totally okay and he said, well don't say it like that...and I said, well...it is okay and he said well...I'd love to see you and I know you want to see me too. But then he added...I know you want to see my every day <<< that hit me the wrong way...and before I really thought I said well, no...I don't want to see you every day, and he laughed and said sure you do...and I was like...well, you don't want to see me every day I'm sure and he said, of course I do, I wish I could see you every day and then I told him I had to go and I didn't think anything more of it. When I told my friend,,,she said she believed I had pissed him off by saying that and now he was gonna act an a** just like before and think "well, I'll show her" type of thing. The truth is after she brought it to my attention, I did think...well, I shouldn't have said that...that would have hurt MY feelings if it had been the other way around, BUT, you'd just have to know this guy. He's kinda got a big head about himself, he's really nice looking and pretty much has always had his way...with most people, if you know what I mean and I guess I just don't want him to "really" know just how crazy I am for him sometimes. And my friend is right, cause if he had said that to me...I would be like...wait a minute now..if he doesn't want to see me everyday..I'll show him. Of course this is all speculation from the 2 of us putting our heads together all day also :0) He didn't call all day yesterday, which is highly unusual and was off today, I normally NEVER talk to him on his off days but he called around lunch for all of 2 minutes to let me know "oh, I was gonna call earlier..but had to do such and such for my sister" and was like, whatcha doing? did you go to the dr., and I was sooooo cheerful and he said well, I gotta go, it's about time for w to come home for lunch (he was cooking pork chops on the grill to top that off) and said he'd call later...but he never did, and it felt like one of those "I'll pacify you" type of calls...if you know what I mean. My friend says that's exactly what he's doing when he calls, cause we both know there are way too many times he could call or text...but then doesn't. It's just confusing, cause there are days I talk to him nearly all day between his customers. Anyway, guess I've rambled on enough..lol, feels good to get it off my chest. Talk to you later.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2003
Fri, 08-15-2003 - 12:45pm
Sandy - the last thing you need in your life is more drama. I know you may not want to hear what I'm about to say, but since you asked for advice I'm going to give it to you.

You need to walk away from this man and the entire situation. If you truly love him and believe in your heart that he is the one then tell him that and tell him that once he gets his life together(gets D, gets his own place whatever) then can start seeing you again. Make sure you tell him it's not an ultimatum - it's a decision you've made, that you aren't going to live with the drama and sharing a man that you love. And if he truly loves you he will understand and respect your decision. I know it's gonna be hard and I know he's gonna be hurt but he needs to take you out of the equation and do what needs to be done to either mend or end his M. You deserve so much more then what you are experiencing. Do not settle for anything less or you will end living a miserable life like his wife is now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Mon, 08-18-2003 - 3:47pm
Hey prettyribbons...

How was your weekend?? I have not seen you on messenger..im on now!!

I know what you mean about ur MM...I guess that was kinda wrong how it was said...but men are cocky and usually when they say something like that you know its them wanting to see you!! I just agree!! Let them have a big head!!

But I know you dont want him to think your waiting around on him and desperatly wanting to see him even if we are!! Just play non-chalant!!

Hard but it works most of the time!!

I have had much more drama girl...he came over friday and told me he asked her for a divorce...totally was not expecting this...see before this he told me sandy please dont leave me after everything im going through please dont...im like what do you mean...and then he said i told W i wanted a D...i was shocked - She said NO but he said yes and then she said how about a seperation...and I told MM maybe that was a good idea...you dont know what you have till its gone...so maybe you might love her and just dont realize it and things might work out...he was like no sandy I dont love her in that way. He said he had told her earlier in the week he did not want to be married but finally brought up the D. This is where we are at..I did not say much...and I left it alone. Dont know what to really say or do....

-Sandy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Mon, 08-18-2003 - 3:52pm
Haley...thx for your advise...I know its easier said then done. I have told him and I have tried to put my foot down for exampe this weekend I told him I was not going to put up with this and I was going to leave the path free for his W. I said this is an easy way out for you...just make her happy...and do what you have to do. He said he was not going to let me go..next thing I know later on that night he came over and told me he asked her for a D. We are at that right now...she does not want to. She called me and I was on the other line with MM and I said your W is calling me...he said I know..dont answer...im like im not im talking to you y would i want to talk to her!! Anyhow when I saw him I said y did she call..he was like to talk about me...im like about what...he was like about crap. Im like ok...that nails it down...then he spilled the beans about the divorce...she wanted to know if I knew this was coming and I did not.

Anyhow this is where we are at...dont know whats going to happen...im just going to stand back and watch let it go...we are suppose to go out of town this weekend....but dont know if its going to happen...he says yes.

Will just see what happens...I am trying to be strong and let him come to me...I dont bother him at all.

Avatar for prettyribbons4u
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Mon, 08-18-2003 - 10:10pm
hey Sandy, I had a pretty good weekend...got to see MM both Saturday and Sunday evening. Today was a boring day though...I haven't been on yahoo lately cause my H has been here! I can't believe he actually asked his wife for a divorce!!! And she said no huh? Wow, I couldn't imagine telling someone no..after they asked me something like that..even if I didn't want it myself. If someone didn't want to be with me...I'd just have to accept that and move on, I don't know what's with some people! If I were you, I'd keep playing it cool just like you are doing and just watch and see what happens. My MM told me this weekend that he had thought about going to see an attorney too, can you believe that?? This was totally unexpected, of course...he's just talking...he was telling me some things that his W says from time to time and how insecure she was trying to make his oldest boy by telling him things about him (long story) but she's one of those that uses the kids to get anything she wants no matter the price...she just makes me sick sometimes. Did his W call you??? <<< I'm surprised if not...lol, watch out for her. Let me know, hopefully I'll be able to chat with you tomorrow on messenger. Talk to you later.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2003
Mon, 08-18-2003 - 10:23pm
Hey Sandy

=)


Edited 9/22/2003 2:02:12 AM ET by lexylew
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Tue, 08-19-2003 - 9:41am
Sweetie, you need to find a new boyfriend. This one is just not working out - too complicated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Tue, 08-19-2003 - 10:49am
Prettyribbons...

I was shocked myself when he told me he asked her for a D. He said he had been saying the last few weeks he did not want to live with her...but finally said the D. And like your MM's W - she told his daughter..thats so wrong. Do not bring the kids involved. You cannot stay with someone becuase of the kids especially if your unhappy. How do you expect to make anyone happy if you cant make yourself.

I cant believe your MM said he wanted to talk to an attorney...how funny both of ours!! Well my MM has not said anything about talking to an attorney but then again his cousin is one and he did his last divorce about 10yrs ago. So im not sure and im not fixing to say anything. He does keep saying MM (well his name) is going to meet sandys parents. See he has been wanting to meet my family but im like noway till you get your crap together. He kept going on and on with that e even made a song silly him. I just said not until you get your crap together and he just said sandy I am trying to I promise. He said you know your parents want to meet me...I said yes wanting and getting to meet you two different things...its not happening...he says it will!!

Im surprised I have not seen him in 3day since Friday its not like us not to go this long without seeing eachother...well I saw him Friday when he told me the news...Saturday it was my fault I was busy preparing for my sons bday...and Sunday well he left to the casinos with his sister and brother-n-law. And last night he was around my house but I was at the gym...SO I guess its just we have been so busy but still...its wierd...I brought that up this morning and he said yes I know I cant believe that he was like I miss you...he was like but you dont give me any credit...im like your right I dont!!

Hope to see you on Yahoo....Sandy