What if your h/w were also cheating?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2003
What if your h/w were also cheating?
8
Wed, 09-24-2003 - 1:37am
Hi,



Just wondering about something. How would some of you deal with your own spouses doing what we are doing to them? Would you say hey, I'm doing it so why shoudn't he/she? Would you go on and pretend you didn't notice? Or would you use it as the perfect reason to get out? I'm not sure what I would have done, although I'm divorcing h now. But I just wonder if I would have been upset, regardless if I had the right. I know that it isn't fair to have a double standard, but sometimes you can't help it. I think it's more of an ego blow then anything else. So anyhow, how would you deal with that kind of a situation, being that you yourself are in a ema? Thanks for your thoughts, Jdreamer...
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Wed, 09-24-2003 - 2:42am

Hi Jdreamer,


Where do I start?? well... firstly I'll say while I love DH... I'm no longer IN love with him and since I realised that I've come to the conclusion that it probably wouldn't bother me that much if he was involved in a EMA... as long as he is protecting us all and being careful.


I can say that now... but who's to say if it actually happened... I would still feel the same.


I thought that he may have been a little while ago... and it didn't bother me... so I will say that I would be ok... if I knew for sure... I would certainly hold it there in case I ever needed it.


I hope I've made some sense... late in the day and I shouldn't be here.


luv and hugs


Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2003
Wed, 09-24-2003 - 9:25am
Well, where to start. LOL

My H did have an affair on me just after we were married. I was crushed. He claims it was just friendship and that they never had intercourse however I know other things took place.

I understood that the affair took place because of things both him and I were doing or should I say not doing. The EMA I am having now is NOT out of revenge. My H affair took place years ago. But I have thought about that aspect and to be honest, I am not sure how I would react. I probably would understand seeing how I am doing the same thing. I love my H dearly, and my EMA would have never started, but when I found my MM it just happened and I found that he filled a void that I had been missing for so long. So most likely if my H was to have an EMA I would try to understand and we would have to figure out whether our marriage was worth saving or not together meaning we would both have to stop the affairs. And to be quite honest, not sure how I would deal with that.

Avatar for stillwingy
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Wed, 09-24-2003 - 1:14pm
My MM and I just had this conversation- I actually asked him what he would do if he found out his wife was having an affair also. He said he would be relieved, because it would finally be the beginning of the end. I had asked cause I'm scared going into this affair that he needs more from it than I do. I told him that if I found out my H was having affair I would be devastated and feel incredibly betrayed- after all the reason for my affair is that I'm not getting it from my H, to then find out he was able to give it to someone else?? I truly love my H- and we'd probably work through it. The crazy thing?? If he found out about me he'd be out the door in a flash and has said as much. How's that for a very very wierd double standard. Makes you wonder about my psychological well-being, huh? LOL
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Wed, 09-24-2003 - 1:29pm
If he had the same thing I do, and it makes his life and our marriage as good as mine does, then I'm all for it. OTOH, I don't particularly want to *know* about it. That sounds hypocritical, and perhaps it is. It would not be an "out" - I don't want "out" - it would just mean that we'd all be happier.
Avatar for nomoreregrets
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 09-24-2003 - 2:22pm
Well, to be perfectly honest. I would probably be a little hurt but mostly mad because the main reason I started my EMA was because my H's lack of interest in sex. I wouldn't let it distroy my marriage and I would never let on that I'm doing the same thing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Wed, 09-24-2003 - 2:36pm
No it wouldn't bother me. I know it sounds bad but I have to be fair considering that I am in a similar situation. Its not a ego blow either as I know I am desireable too. I am in an unhappy marriage but doesn't mean I don't care about the H, but obviuosly not ENOUGH to hurt like hell. I love and care for him like a friend and a roommate than a lover. Hope that made sense.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2003
Wed, 09-24-2003 - 2:47pm
After rethinking this question and my original answer, truthfully i would probably be pretty ticked. From the simple fact that if we have problems I have come to him and told him how i feel, and he never does. In that respect it would make me angry, but I would understand.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2003
Wed, 09-24-2003 - 4:45pm
I think I would use the occasion to get out of our M. Now that I'm in an EMA and know how confusing and unintended it can be, I don't think I'd be angry which is how I used to think I would be if it happened. I guess I'd figure that if we were both unhappy enough to be doing this, then we should politely part, hopefully as friends.