What about the Guilt?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2003
What about the Guilt?
5
Wed, 09-24-2003 - 10:10am
I have recently begun an affair with a man that I have only known for a couple of weeks. This is not a lusty, sexual affair; this is a warm, affectionate love and a spark that was ignited in me that I can't turn back on.

I have been married for 3 years and have been with my husband for seven. I met my husband when I was only 15; I am now 22. My husband is 28 and the man I am seeing is 21. My husband has turned his life around very dramatically; when the change was completed, I realized that I am not in love with him anymore. I am the one who wanted him to complete college and keep a job; now, I am the one moving on when he has done these things!

The guilt is eating me alive. So, last night I told my husband that I love someone else. I told him I kissed that person, too. My husband was very hurt and said that he is going to go out of his way to make sure that I fall in love with him again. The problem is that I don't feel that he can.. I fell so hard for the man I am seeing that I don't know if there is any going back. We can't go a few hours without talking to each other; I am more comfortable with him than I have ever been in my whole life. We cuddle alot; kiss alot, etc. We have decided not to have sex until I make a decision as to what I am going to do. I am so scared right now and feel so horrible, but at the same time being with this other man is so right. If anyone has any advice, I would appreciate it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2003
Wed, 09-24-2003 - 11:07am
Hey there, well i was reading your post and decided to at least let you know that i am almost in the same situation u are in. Me and my mm have been seeing each other for about 8 1/2 mths, and just like you i have fallen in love with mm and out of love with h. It sounds like you settled down to early in life, just like i did. I was 19 when i got married and had my son at age 20, i always thought i wanted marriage, kids, and etc, but as the older i get i have realized that even though i love my child with all of my heart, i wish i wouldve waited before settling down and now there's nothing i can do but have an A on the side and stay with a man i dont love anymore. Sometimes i wonder why i do the things i do but i know that i am only human and i thought i was the only one going thru this but as i sit here and read posts from other women, it lets me know that i am not alone. I never wanted to cheat but i have , i just wonder if it's me sometimes, if im not happy with myself so i go and try to find happiness elsewhere. It's good that u and your mm havent slept together yet b/c then it would make it more complicated if you are like me and have emotions when sleeping with someone and it's just not about having sex. Well i hate rambling on but just to let you know, u arent alone and i wish u all the luck with your A, by the way i am 24 years old so i can relate to things u are going thru. take care of yourself and remember the women on this board care about u and your situation. Keep us posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Wed, 09-24-2003 - 11:08am
You said from your post that you've only known this OM for a couple of weeks and now you are contemplating leaving your H for this guy??

While I don't dispute that you feel something for this OM, but how well do you think you know him in this short period of time? Are there any kids involved? How do you know that he is not only in it for the sex? I know you said you have not had IC yet, but OM may just be "going with the flow" until he gets what he wants. Maybe not, but now is too soon to tell.

My advice is to not do anything at this point. Don't run off with this guy. You really don't know him at all. Anyone can PRETEND to be something they are not for a while. It takes a very long time to get to know someone and even a longer time to know them well enough to want to run away with them.

Give your H a chance. You must have felt something for him, or else why did you marry him?



I know I have asked a LOT of questions, but these are things you should think about before jumping the gun and leaving your H. JMHO

Avatar for nomoreregrets
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 09-24-2003 - 11:44am
Well, my first piece of advice would be, Get to know this guy. No one falls in love in two weeks or 2 months for that matter. Sometimes we may think that we are but time is the true test of any realationship. I wouldn't make any rash decisions! As far as guilt, I may sound cold but I feel absolutley no guilt. It's taken me a long time to get to this point in my life. Sometimes the road has been difficult and sometimes it's been a smooth ride. The way I look at things, I only live once and I intend to live it to the fullest. I spent many years searching for me and several years ago I have found that wonderful person with-in myself. Life's too short, Dance Naked! NMR
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2003
Wed, 09-24-2003 - 12:17pm
I agree with NMR, do not rush into anything. Perhaps its been so long since you have felt these emotions that you are getting caught up in them too quickly. Take a step back and breathe. Then proceed with caution.

As far as the guilt thing, I had a hard time with it, somedays i do, but for I am only 28 as well, grew up young, and have lived my life pleasing others and doing the best that I can. Then one day I woke up and realized, its impossible to be perfect. I love my husband, and I love my MM, for various different reasons. Its not my fault that my H doesn't fullfill some of my needs, nor is it his. Perhaps I am too harsh. But if anything I have found that my EMA has helped my marriage. I am happier than I have been in a long time. SO who knows. Perhaps I am wrong.

Avatar for stillwingy
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Wed, 09-24-2003 - 12:40pm
Marriage is a reality, affairs are a fantasy. You've known someone for a few weeks and are ready to move on?? What happens when your affair becomes a true relationship and you realize you have to work at that one. You have the best kind of husband there is- he loves you, knows about the other man and wants to work to make your marriage last. That is what marriage is about- 2 people trying to make a relationship work for the long term. Sounds to me like the time and effort you are investing in your affair would be more productive invested in your marriage. Have you told your husband that you are looking for more affection and whatever else it is you are finding with the OM?

Not trying to be preachy- but to be honest, if my husband had told me what yours did I would never have been in the emotional affair I'm in now. Really really think about what you want in life- a long term relationship with someone you know loves and respects you or a maybe...