stuck and scared
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| Thu, 09-25-2003 - 1:58am |
For background info, read on.
I fell in love with a coworker two years ago and told H right away before anything physically intimate happened. I said I had been emotionally unfaithful because I couldn't bear the secrecy and guilt. We immediately went into therapy with the hope of figuring things out. In a lot of ways I think that H went to therapy to find a way to keep our marriage intact and I went to figure out how to end our marriage with the least damage. Neither of these goals have been accomplished though. Early on, everyone around us urged us to take it slow and not rush to any decisions, since we have two children. Now after two years everyone is urging us to be done with it, whatever the decision, and get on with life and healing. I still feel paralyzed and am terrified about the loss that comes with either decision.
I feel so guilty for the hurt I have caused H, his parents and our children (4 and 12 y.o.). Before the A, there had been so much unhappiness in our marriage. We argued frequently and had fallen into the business of marriage and the stress of trying to keep it all afloat. I really thought he (and even the children) would eventually be happier if the marriage was over. I had no idea how destroyed he would be. Even with all our difficulties, I really didn't see the A coming. I just knew that I was desperately unhappy and unable to breathe. I thought I was past the passionate part of my life and I was only 32 at the time. I had kind of resigned myself to the fact that feeling "in love" was not in the cards for me.
Other than the time I spent alone with the kids on the weekends (because H worked most weekends), most of my happiness came from the time I spent with OM. He and I had become best friends through work. I knew I had a crush on him, but he was in a long long long term relationship, so I think we both thought our friendship was "safe". Soon after 9/11/01, I was overwhelmed with this feeling of panic about life choices. What was I doing with my life? I just wanted to be with OM every chance I got. He made me feel happy, beautiful, alive and inspired in a way that I thought was only possible for other people. I was finally in love and so was he.
So, two years later... I have made such a mess of everything because I haven't had the courage to make a final decision. H moved out a year ago, but only lives a few blocks away. It was a financial disaster, but an emotional relief to have him move out. Out of fear, I have continued to keep the two worlds compartmentalized and have fed each enough to keep it alive. I miss H whenever something wonderful or difficult comes up with the kids. He's the only other person in the world who loves and understands them the way that I do and he seems to truly love me and accept much of what has happened, but whenever I seriously consider trying to "put it back together" I realize that I still feel no desire for him sexually and panic at the thought of that reality.
OM and I still have what seems to be unlimited passion and desire for one another
(not just sexually, but as best friends also). Sometimes I worry if the intensity and happiness is because I keep him at arm's distance. We haven't had to share financial burdens or the challenges of raising children and keeping a home together. He says he wants to share all these things and when we spend time together I usually feel like I do too. Then I panic at the thought of my kids' anger or H's sadness/humiliation and whether the emotions would change if all these worlds came together and had to interact.
stuck and scared.

Best of luck to you
*hugs*
Liberal
first of all, calm down. nothing will change today. you and H have been trying to sever the connection for a year. neither of you have taken the final step. you have to be strong and seek a divorce. not to be with your OM, but for yourself. apparently you are 34 or so -- old enough to know you are supremely unhappy with your H. you cannot stay in the M "for the children" or because you are afraid of "their anger." you deserve to have peace of mind and happiness but you will not get to that state of mind in your current situation.
i went through the exact same situation you are in -- 3 kids, left H, had financial difficulties, was 35 and having a nervous breakdown because i was so desperately unhappy and unfulfilled. there was no OM, but i wanted to explore my options so i finally got the courage to leave "the big house" with the kids, got an apartment, 2 jobs and just did it. it was hard but i was never more content than when i came home to my own bed, my kids gathered around me watching tv or read, with absolutely no chaos/tension from arguing with H. it's been 16 years now and the kids are grown and happily on their own and so am i.
please take the next step and start again, with or without OM. do it for you and for your children. they deserve a happy mom.
best of luck whatever you decide,
gurl
But they waited til we were grown before they split. The reality of being the one to initiate the break up while the kids are still young is SOOOO different. I miss my kids desperately when they are with him and admit that I feel like a "bad" mother and wife for breaking up the family. My 12 y.o. DS is terribly angry with me and starting to have real behavioral problems in school. The ironic thing is that he and my H (his step dad) used to have a really strained relationship until the A was unveiled. Now my DS is really protective of my H and angry with me.
The A finally woke up my H and he has bravely jumped into an intense soul searching and self examination over the past two years. Now he understands what I meant when I used to say, "I can't live this way". He takes responsibilty for his part and continues to try to change parts of himself that have caused harm to the M. The problem is that, as I said in my original posting, something has shifted in me and I just don't have any desire to be with him sexually. Can it ever shift back?
For me, I feel like he would still be part of my family even if we were not married. He's too hurt to feel that way. He says that it's all or nothing.
I logged on here hoping for some support and help in dealing with this. I feel, same as you, that the right thing to do would be to, at least, try to save my marriage. But, my heart is just not in it.
What do we do?? I guess it helps to know there are others out there in the same boat.
I feel like I know what I want to do, I want to be with OM. But the thought of all the people (family, children, friends etc...) that I would hurt makes this the most difficult decision I have ever faced.
The only thing I do know is that, either way, when it comes to our children, if Mom is not happy, they will end up unhappy.
I hope you can come to a decision soon. Please let me know if you do.
Not everyone is going to be happy, but selfish as it seems, I believe we need to be happy first and foremost!!
I'm here if you want to talk and could use the support myself.
my DS also acted out and sided with his dad, ended up moving in with xH and his GF (they met the day after we separated!) but eventually with lots of love and attention when DS was with me, he and i mended our mother-son relationship.
and you miss the interaction with your H because it's what you're used to. but you can be alone and move on. it takes courage and commitment on your part to do what is necessary to make yourself (and by default, your children) happy. you say your H is too hurt. what about you? all the time you and he were together, he treated you badly. and now that you want the M to be over, he gets to feel "too hurt!" it's too late for that. even if he realizes his responsibility for the marital problems, there's no way he can "blame" you. blame goes both ways, in any relationship.
good luck,
gurl