Well, I got what I wanted....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Well, I got what I wanted....
39
Sun, 09-28-2003 - 2:49pm
I'm leaving H tonight. I'm going to put the kids to bed (they know tonite's the night), grab a couple hours of sleep, go in to work at 1am like any other Sunday night/Monday morning, and when work's over, I'm going down to my mom's to start living with her. H is keeping custody of the kids because of my night hours.

I've just finished boxing up a couple boxes of my clothes. I'll be slowly taking my stuff out of this house as I see what my room at mom's can handle. I don't want to move too much stuff, because hopefully I'll be in an apartment soon, so why move twice, right??

And I am such a bundle of contradicting emotions!!!!! I'm excited at the prospect of this first step of my journey to reclaiming myself. But it has come at such a heavy price...my kids are having a difficult time coping with it. The girls (11 and 14) are mad at me, all the while crying and hugging on me so much I can barely make any move on my own. My older son (8) is very sad. My younger son (5) goes blythly along, then suddenly frowns, comes hugs me, and says he'll miss me. So, I'm very sad for them and the hurt and the pain that they are experiencing and that I have such a huge part in causing. I'm mad at H for his part in us going bad. We used to have such a great marriage, or so I thought. I look back now, though, and realized I was heavily manipulated. Why/how did it change from the wonderful, idyllic relationship we had those first years? Why couldn't we carry that on to now?? Yet, I really *don't* want to stay married to him. I'm so excited at getting away from him, I can barely wait for tonight!!! But then, I think about the kids and get really sad, again. I will miss them terribly and hate that they're hurting like this.

But, bottom line, I've done what I wasn't sure I was strong enough to do and that was make a stand for me and my happiness!!! That's an intoxicating, heady kind of feeling!!! I'll see OM on Wednesday and we're going to celebrate this if it's the last thing I do!!!

Lucky

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Sun, 09-28-2003 - 6:06pm
make sure that you get into some type of counseling with the kids to make the adjustment easier for the kids. This is a difficult time for all involved and professional help will aid in the healing process. Best of luck in this new phase of your life!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 09-28-2003 - 7:03pm
I don't know your story, but I feel for your kids. Was your H being abusive to you? If so then I'm glad you got out, but you should not leave your kids with him... hope that's not the case.

I feel very badly for them. It must be devastating to see their mom leave.

Wish you the best.

Avatar for prettyribbons4u
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Mon, 09-29-2003 - 9:58am
wow...I feel for your kids too. I hope everything works out for you like you want it to. I could NEVER be so strong as to leave my kids, a man....sure....but not my kids. Not even for my happiness, their's will ALWAYS come before my own, but that's just me. I really do wish you the best of luck in your new venture into reclaiming yourself...good luck again.

PR

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2003
Mon, 09-29-2003 - 10:14am
I do hope that things work out for you. And although I want to wish you luck I just hope you thought all this through. This is a hard subject with me.

A friend of mine had an EMA and left her husband and the kids stayed with him. She got so caught up in her new life, that he kids suffered. I am not saying that you would do the same, I just hope things work out.

Sorry to be negative :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Mon, 09-29-2003 - 10:16am
Lucky,

Good for you!! I haven't been on the board forever it seems, but it is great to see you still here, but at a new stage in the H/OM process!!

The children are not going to be scarred, so don't feel too much guilt. In the long-run, and I'm sure you know this too, your happiness/well-being will benefit them more than you staying the course unhappily with H.

As long as they know when they are going to see you, which days, they will come to accept the new routine (and look forward to it!!). The time you spend together will be all the more sweeter -- we are talking about quality time not quantity time!! So don't worry.

Enjoy your new independence and remember to keep your R with OM in perspective!

Hugs,

Alameda

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-29-2003 - 11:03am
hey lucky -- best of luck in your new journey!

i've been there, done that too. H would not leave and i was going crazy with him begging me to stay, not ruin his life, etc. all the time. i finally left the house leaving my 3 children with him. i stayed about 5 minutes away with a girlfriend and went back and forth to the house to be with my children. that arrangement lasted 4 weeks before H gave up and moved out and i moved back in with the children. he couldn't handle all the childcare, ballet, scouts, sports, etc. arrangements and still get to work on time, cook for them, bath them, etc. all the things a mother does every single day. my children knew what was going on and could call and/or see me every day.

i was soooo excited to be free of my M that nothing could bring me down, not even leaving the children. i knew they were with their dad and he would take care of them.

so relax and enjoy your new life!

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Mon, 09-29-2003 - 11:26am
Sorry alameda78, but I have to disagree!!

"The children are not going to be scarred, so don't feel too much guilt." --Any time a parent leaves a child for any reason, the child feels abandoned. They will be scarred, deeply hurt for a long time, feel neglected, have feelings of self worthlessness that their mother didn't love them enough to try to work it out with their dad. I know, I've been on that end of it. It's been 25 years since my parents' divorce, and I'm still dealing with it. I wish they could have cared enough about my brother and me to try a little harder to work things out with each other.

"your happiness/well-being will benefit them more than you staying the course unhappily with H." I think not! There is another alternative. Try family counseling. Try everything you and a close trusted advisor can think of before you abandon your own flesh and blood. When children see their parents pursuing their own personal happiness at the expense of the children's well-being, it sends a powerful message about selfishness. Mommy thinks her "wants" are more important than my "needs". Sometimes we do have to sacrifice our own desires for a better cause.

Unless the man has been abusing you, I'm begging you to try again. If he has been abusing you, then get those children away from him.

You are their Mother. Please act like a mother to those 4 children and fight for their happiness. You gave birth to these children. Think back to the days all of them were born. What were you feeling for them? Didn't you want to be their everything and teach them as much as possible about being good, responsible, dedicated, and worthy people? What is this teaching them? What are your girls going to think of you 5 years from now?

My dad always says that a woman should never leave her home. Kick the old buzzard out if it's that bad.

I may have vented and ranted too much, but I've been on both sides of this story. I'm sure someone else has already thrown my argument at you, and it probably won't help to hear it again.

God be with you girl.


Edited 9/29/2003 11:31:33 AM ET by hisgoodgirl

Laugh Smiles

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Mon, 09-29-2003 - 11:36am
You crack me up with the "My dad always says that a woman should never leave her home. Kick the old buzzard out if it's that bad.". LOL

I agree with what you said about putting your wants before you children's wants. It DOES send a powerful message to them that its OK to be selfish. Lucky, I am not saying you are doing a wrong thing since you said you are very unhappy at home. You probably have your own reason and don't have to justify it. Maybe you did try to work your marriage out and finally made that decision to leave.

Avatar for nomoreregrets
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 09-29-2003 - 12:36pm
The most important thing I have to say is that you are selfish! You're nuts to leave your kids. I don't care what the reason may be. One day you will realize that you have made the worst decision of your life. Then again, I think if you're talking about celebration on Wednesday you don't deserve those kids and they'll be better off without you in their life. Trust me I know what I’m talking about here from first hand experience. I would generally apologize for my rudeness but I am very very passionate about this matter. NMR
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Mon, 09-29-2003 - 1:02pm
I'm glad you agree with me. After reading my post, I thought I may have been too harsh. But then I read yours and now I know I'm trying to help a family.

Lucky, please reconsider... "I'm your daughter 20 years after you left. Why couldn't you be strong enough for me. I needed you Mom. I needed you to be a real mother for me, not a real mother f-----. I needed you to confide in when my boyfriend dumped me and

Daddy didn't understand. I needed you when I was considering on having sex for the first time. I needed you when I didn't make the team and Dad thought I should have. I needed you when Dad yelled at me for denting the car. I needed you when I was afraid. I needed you to hold me and hug me when I got sick. I needed you when...."

Some people have this notion that if they live "close to" their children, they can be just as good of a parent. The reality is they can't. They can be a better parent if they live with their children and the other parent trying to make the family functional.

I love having my husband in the same house w/me and the kids. The children really need that. He catches things I miss and vice versa. Here's an example: One of my son's teachers called on a weekend about problems she was having with him. My H happened to answer the phone and spoke w/her. When he got off the phone, all of us learned a very valuable lesson. My son learned to trust us and be more open, I knew that I would have had a totally differnt response than H, H learned that son wanted to please us so much that he would lie, son learned that openness is best, etc.... If only one of us were there that day, the outcome would definately have been different.

Both parents offer different assets and aspects to their children in many different ways. A father's relationship to a child is very differnt than the mother's and the child NEEDS both in order to be a successful and functional adult. The child also needs the combination of the mother/father relationship to see how men and women interact. Children need those positive men/women models. And by positive, I don't mean perfect. I mean flawed people trying their best to be their best.

I can go on all day on this subject because I am very passionate about it. Like I said before, if he is abusive, then you need to get the children away from him as well.

Laugh Smiles

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