Lurker - Need advice desperately - LONG

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Lurker - Need advice desperately - LONG
3
Tue, 09-30-2003 - 4:05pm
Long story short...Married 10 years...happily for the most part. I was just very bored and unfulfilled. Had an A with someone I met at work. His W found out then my H. Eventually I took new (miracle!) baby and teen dd (one dd stayed with H) and moved out on my own - so did MM. We've both filed for D but so far not happened. In MM's case - they can't agree. In mine, I haven't pursued in quite some time. Here's the problem...I planned on moving 90 miles away to be with MM (when D's are final). It's been a very rocky road as his family is "old fashioned" and mortified that he cheated (well so are we but what can we do now????) I do love MM and dreamed for many months of "being together" but due to distance, work schedule, kid schedule, etc. we don't spend a lot of time together...meanwhile, H has been there all along. He's changed a lot in the past year that we've been apart. I miss him and know that he has always been there for me whereas MM & I have had major issues due to our situations. I'm no longer convinced that things will be better or different after D is final. I'm SO confused. H is still professing his love (that I DON'T deserve!) but the thought of hurting MM after all of our plans etc. is unbearable too - especially after everything we've been through this year. I've been waiting for what seems like forever and we're almost to the "someday" that I've been waiting for...just not sure that I can take it anymore or have faith that it will happen as we've talked & dreamed of. I'm just sick and now H is tired of me leaning on him (rightfully so!) and wants it OVER now. We've been very amicable but it's so easy to slip back into the way things have been forever. I miss having a "normal" life so much. I miss watching my son (we tried to have a baby for 7.5 years! after losing our infant son) growing up with his daddy. I just don't know what to do...and I'm getting desperate. Please anyone help....TIA

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Tue, 09-30-2003 - 5:41pm
Hey Amiinsane...

First of all im not one to give advise but more then so say how i feel about things. YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY. Dont rely on another man and do not let your world revolve another man. I mean to me it seems you want to go with H but your waiting for MM?? I personally think that before anyone jumps into another relationship people need time on their own to realize what they want.

I wish you the best....but pls I dont think its right to base your decision on another man wait and see what he does...you can wait all your life...

Sandy



iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Wed, 10-01-2003 - 9:09am
Thanks. I know I can't depend on any man to make me happy but I don't want to hurt either one of them anymore than I already have. I'm not sure how to make myself happy. I'm just trying to figure it all out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 10-01-2003 - 9:39am
Hi,

I can relate EXACTLY to what you are going thru (except the new baby part). I also wasn't happy at home and met a MM at work and we fell in love. He left and moved near me and then I got cold feet and fence sat for a month and a half, which was very painful for him. It was very hard for me to do but I then did leave my H as well. As soon as I got my own place, MM "moved" in with me - keeping his own place for appearances sake. Neither of us has filed for D yet but now we are back to the chess game of who makes the first move. He is sure of his decision to leave his W - they were married for more years and the problems are easy to list and impossible to work out. I, on the other hard, have been married 2 yrs and miss my H. He was far from perfect and was mean sometimes ...but so was I. H has sworn to be different and has been in therapy for a yr to work out his issues. It causes a lot of upsetment with MM and myself. My uncertainty over H is a knife in his heart. he does not understand how I can love him (and I do!) and he has followed thru on everything to be with me. MM has said that he wants to spend his life with me. But yet...I still miss H and the whole being married thing. MM and I are social outcasts. I am very quiet and withdrawn at my job becasue MM works here and it would be the biggest scandal if they knew we left our spouses to be together. Niether of our spouses knows that we have found someone else, so that it another issue. H and I were plannign on having a family and now I dont know if I will get the chance to have a baby. (MM has children but said he is open to the possibility with me so thats something at least). So basically I turned my whole life upside down for love.

Anyway, here is my advice. Think about a few things: who do you love? Not what do you love as in stability, family life, social normality, but who would you want to spend the rest of your life life? Because - if the answer is not your H, going back to him will not change the answer to that question. There must have been reasons you fell in love with someone else. What are they? Because - men do not really change all that much. Of course, H looks better now that life is a struggle with MM. Believe me, I understand how attractive the married life looks from a distance. I am in the same boat as you. But if it is your H that you love most then you owe it to MM to be honest. Will it crush him? Yes but better now than another D down the road.

Ivy