I get to be the bad guy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2003
I get to be the bad guy
1
Tue, 09-30-2003 - 9:35pm
I'll make the introduction quick. I have been married for 8 1/2 years to a man I met on-line (one of the first internet marriages in the world - exciting, eh?). My H is sweet, he is gentle, he is kind, he is smart, he is wonderful. He is my friend. He also has no passion for me and over the last 5 years, we have been gradually losing our common ground.

Last year, I found out he was having an on-line affair with a woman from another city and that she had been planning on coming to our town "on business". When I confrotned him, he broke down in tears, because extraordinarily depressed, talked suicide, the works. While this was all happening, I discovered that she was not the first, that he'd had similiar "affairs" with others in the past.

This hurt me deeply. Ok, yes, there was no physical contact involved, but the whole time he was having these affairs, spending hours on the computer, I was begging him to pay more attention to me, do things together, show an interest, and he never did. He had to _think_ to do these things. It would have been easier on me if they had been physical, because then I could justify it with chemistry or pure physical lust. The emotional betrayal was worse.

Anyway, I wanted to leave him, but because of his depression, I couldn't. And I couldn't even express how much I was hurt because he would start talking about "not being here". So all of my feelings and pain were swept aside for him. He went to a counsellor, who advised him to do something he really wanted to do.

The thing he did was join the Army Reserves. Yay. Another thing to take him away from me. Yet another thing he can do that I have no interest in. I told him I didn't want him to join, but that I wouldn't stop him. So he did it.

He went away to basic training (6 weeks) and the first 6 days I was a sobbing wreck. I think I might have had a breakdown, I am not sure. On the 6th night, I wrote him a letter telling him how I felt, entirely no holds barred (though I have been telling him for 5 years how unhappy I am and that has achieved nothing) and I stated that I wanted to leave.

The next morning I woke, dry eyed and clear headed. And I didn't feel anything for him anymore. Not a skerrick. It was like I was ice on the inside.

So, in my vulnerable state, I began to play single girl - having parties with friends, flirting madly with a couple of guys I worked with, and one of them stepped up to the plate. We spent a night on my couch where every touch was electric. He had me trembling. Two nights later we had sex for the first time and I remembered what it was to be really wanted again.

Between he and I, it was nothing more than sex. We have other interests, but our personalities clashed. He needed a mother, and mother I am not. (BTW I have no kids and I never want them) But we had great sex, really great sex.

So, my H finds out. Over hears a conversation. Doesn't even get angry. He's hurt, i could see that, but it was like his emotions were flatlined. I showed him the letter I wrote on Day 6 (I had put it in a drawer), I guess to prove that the OM wasn't the problem but that I was desperately and dreadfully unhappy. Still no real emotion. I knew he was keeping it inside.

So every few weeks, he and I have these blow ups - or rather, I have these blow ups where I just say "You say you want to stay together, but I have no reason to stay! I am trying and trying but I can't do this if you don't give me a reason." So we argue for a night and I go to work the next day with red eyes, but nothing changes.

I strike up a sordid affair with another co-worker, a MM with 4 kids. Purely purely sex. We work well together, but we both knew that there could be nothing more. Maybe if we'd met _before_ the 4 kids, yeah, but not in our current situations. I don't think H even suspects that A. MM isn't really my physical type. *smirk* We were definitely just FWB.

Anyway... now we come up to 2 weeks ago. I was making a trip with MM and a few others interstate for business. The first night I had to find my own place to stay so I called up a friend I had on-line, a sweet guy (let's call him MOMD) I'd met once who I'd been SMSing and emailing for months with innocent flirtations and general friend support. We spent the day together and he showed me around his city. We had the most magical time. We talked and talked. And I kept thinking that I wanted to just lean over and touch him, kiss him. But I wouldn't let myself, because I didn't think he wanted me that way - he is single, a true gentleman.

Later that night, he gave me a foot massage and a big glass of red wine, and I couldn't resist temptation a moment longer. I asked him if I could kiss him. His answer was to take me into his arms. That night was more than amazing. It was like we were made for each other. I have never felt so wanted. He couldn't get enough of me and I was insatiable.

We had 27 hours together, but I could feel him for 3 days after. *swoons*

Since then, we've been talking non-stop, seriously findng out about each other. I always wondered what was wrong with him, why he was still single. He's handsome, charming, romantic, intelligent, has a good job, doesn't smoke, has an even temper, likes cats - he's so close to being perfect it's scary. Now I know that there is nothing wrong with him... he was just waiting for me to come along. It is eery how perfect we are for each other. It feels like every moment of our lives was leading us to this point together.

I am not a romantic. I am such a hard assed cynic. I am known to be the person who is icily in control of my emotions. But I am completely spun out by this guy. I am ready to leave behind everything I have worked for in the last 9 years just to be with him.

Yes, I am selfish enough to do it. I can take my cat and my dog. I can sell my house. I have no kids to worry about. But the thought of hurting my H stops me dead in my tracks. I know that I can never be happy with him again. I wanted to leave him before MOMD came along, but now, I have the impetus to go. Will I, Won't I? Would I be fool to go or a fool to stay? I am a fool for jumping from one relationship to another, you don't have to tell me that but MOMD is available and he wants me - the whole me, not just the parts that he can tell his mom about.

I am taking a bit of breathing space - enforced, yes, but needed. Step back for a minute, look at things with my cool ice queen stare and try to get myself under control. I am willing to be the bad guy, even though I know that if we'd both tried H & I would still be happy. I just can't waste my time and my emotions on people who can't be bothered to really appreciate and love me.

Is that selfish? If it is, then I am happy to be selfish. I am not meant to live with this "You made a decision, now you must live with it forever" approach to marriage. Neither of us has kept our side of the bargain and I want to call the contract null and void. If I let it go for another 5 years, as it could easily, i will die inside. And he won't care.

Thanks for reading, if you got this far. I could write a book about this... but that would hurt so many people. *smirk* As if the reality doesn't.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2003
Tue, 09-30-2003 - 11:41pm
All I can say is WOW! You've got alot going on in that brain of yours. I don't think you really want or need advice, you sound like you already know what you want to do. So I say goodluck with whatever choice you make. Be strong and don't be pushed around by others emotions. I know it's hard when you don't want to hurt others, but if they cared so much for your emtions, you wouldn't be on this board in the first place would you? Hugs, Jdreamer96