Why?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2003
Why?
16
Wed, 10-01-2003 - 12:41pm
I just wanted to make some sort of statement. After reading and being a part of this board for a day and a half, I have realized that we give up more than the MM or OM does. It is us who leave our H and sometimes even kids. Why is it so hard for men to leave and so easy for us to do so. Is it that we are stronger and they are weaker or the other way around. I am new to all of this I am currently in my first A we are both married. It has already crossed my mind that I no longer want to be with H, although we get along great, no longer in love. OM says same with him, but like all other men in that "situation" give no signs of leaving. We have never talked about it and probably won't unless he brings it up, reason being he has a kid I have none. Still I think as the saying goes they want to have their cake and eat it too even though they say what they have at home is no good, then why do they stay and we leave?

SAL

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
In reply to: sally289
Wed, 10-01-2003 - 1:36pm
I'm not sure if women leave more than men. I believe it may be the other way around.

Laugh Smiles

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: sally289
Wed, 10-01-2003 - 1:49pm
hey sally. i have no idea if women leave more or if men do, but one thing is for sure. a person will only leave a situation when it becomes intolerable for THAT PERSON, not because someone pushed/threatened/whatever. there are women on this board that have left their primary relationships, but have done so only under great duress and not lightly, believe me.

i left my marriage and was forced to leave my children in the marital home with H. i was only 5 minutes away, and living with a girlfriend, with no room for the children. i went back and forth to be with them when H was gone. the separation from my children only lasted a month. H finally moved out when he had enough of sole caretaking, but it was the longest 4 weeks of my life.

i've found that most men stay because they are in their comfort zone with the house, family, wife, job, and OW on the side. what's not to love in that situation.

just my opinion,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2003
In reply to: sally289
Wed, 10-01-2003 - 2:01pm
I understand what you are saying and everyones situation is different, but you are not going to tell me that before OM came along there were already problems in the marriage to begin with, generally speaking, and that that is why OM was let into the picture. Also when you start having feelings for OM your H becomes unbearable no matter what he does good or bad, I don't care what anybody says you can't be in love with two people. We leave more I think because we put more emotion into it, and because we think it can turn into something with OM, not only because the marriage was over then, it was over already when you went to someone else.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
In reply to: sally289
Wed, 10-01-2003 - 2:18pm
That's a pretty big assumption to make after a day and a half on this board. I've been on here for close to 2 years, and I'd say there are as many variations in the situations as there are people on the board.

I'd say it's much more likely that *no one* leaves, because there is so much to lose. I for one have no intention of ever leaving my marriage, and neither does my OM. I would never give up my children *or* my husband for him, even though I love him as much as I love them - but he came after all of them. I am sure he would say/do the same.

As for the having his cake and eating it too - I think that's what most people want out of life, not just men in affairs. People in affairs get to do it sometimes, but sometimes they lose it all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: sally289
Wed, 10-01-2003 - 2:51pm
sally -- i didn't leave my M for another man. that happened 16 years ago. but i see what you mean about taking emotional leave of the relationship before actually leaving physically. i did do that, over a period of years.

but i do disagree, very respectfully, that a person cannot love two people at the same time. i do right now -- BF and MM. i didn't love MM at first or even after the first 18 months or so of the R, but we have gotten much closer in the last year or so and i've worked hard on my R with BF too to get to the very comfortable life he and i have together, physically and emotionally. i'm not dying to get out of my R with BF. because i'm not married, i can end that R at any time but i choose to stay and work it out because i do love him. MM and i did not think we would connect emotionally, just physically because at the time the A started, neither of us was fulfilled sexually by our Rs. my situation at home has changed, for the better. i cannot comment on whether MM's has gotten better or worse. i don't ask and he doesn't tell.

just going by my experience, i can love two men at once. the degrees vary, depending on many factors.

see ya,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
In reply to: sally289
Wed, 10-01-2003 - 3:06pm
I completely disagree with you.

After 2 years with OM, I feel even more passionately about my DH. Far from unbearable, he is even more wonderful, and we have been together for over 20 years! And no, there were no problems to begin with. You have no idea what anyone else's marriage is like, any more than I do. All I can say is, I DO *love* and am *in love with* two men, and am as fiercely passionate about each as I am in my love for all of my children. I could be happily married to either man.

Until you have *been* someone else - which none of us can be - you cannot make such generalizations about other people's feelings and relationships. You may not understand them, but you cannot say that they are wrong simply because you don't feel the same way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: sally289
Wed, 10-01-2003 - 9:52pm
I'm on board with the others... you can easily love as many people as you want. Yes, THAT way... do you have kids, Sally? Can you love your first one less because you had a second? or a third? Just because someone gets involved with an EMA does not mean their M is unhappy. It might be the EMA fills a void, or that the EMA simply adds to their life. But there's no reason to assume that home life is unbearable.

Why is there this persistent belief that if you're happy with one person, you must be complete? The assumption is that one person can wholly "complete" another. Cripes, that's a burden to lay on someone's shoulders! If my H "completed" me 100%, I would have no need for my family, my girlfriends, my kids or anyone else in my life. I would have no room or time for ME. That's no fun...

lily

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
In reply to: sally289
Wed, 10-01-2003 - 10:40pm
deleted

Edited 10/1/2003 10:41:54 PM ET by charlotte1203


Edited 6/1/2004 10:51 pm ET ET by charlotte1203

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
In reply to: sally289
Thu, 10-02-2003 - 1:38am

gurlfriend, shouldi, lily and charlotte... I'm with you on this one too.

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2003
In reply to: sally289
Thu, 10-02-2003 - 1:24pm
Lily I'm not saying you can't love two people at the same time, what I am saying is that you can't be in love with two people at the same time which is different. Also, yes I do agree that a M does not have to be unhappy to have an A, but if you were completely happy you would not turn to someone else, and I am not talking about sexual affairs I'm talking about love affairs. Yes you can love your friends, children, dogs and cats etc. which you can tell anyone, but how about going home to your significant other and say you love someone else, different, can't be done. A love you have for a child or friend is not quite the same you have for your H or OM.

Pages