don't know why... just sad...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2003
don't know why... just sad...
4
Wed, 10-01-2003 - 6:56pm
Just to refresh you ladies' memories:

I recently reconnected with my first love after 3 yrs of no contact. We were involved in an affair previously for a few years after he married. Then I married and ended it. About a month ago I felt compelled to talk to him. I jumped through hoops to find him. He lives in another state, etc. So, I found him, he was glad to hear from me and before I knew it we were planning to meet over the holidays.

Fast forward to now. We talk weekly, sometimes 2 or 3 times. We've done a lot of reminiscing and he has begun asking the difficult questions like: "what happened to us" and "what if i hadn't gotten married..." We talk a lot about the things we never got a chance to do, about the fact that although we've known each other 11 years, we never got the chance to really "know" each other (we began dating as teenagers and things always got in the way even years later)... and it makes me mad and sad like this wonderful, beautiful opportunity was stolen form us by time and circumstances and we can never get that back. It is fun just getting to know him again, but to know that it will never go farther than this (we're both married with very young children)just tears me apart.

I'm trying to keep a level head about this, to see things as they are, but I've begun to treat my husband differently. I've begun to resent him for not being OM when he knows nothing about our history together. How do I snap out of it? And how do I stop torturing myself by wondering if OM is doing the same thing?

This got to be longer than I intended, but I'm sitting here fighting back tears because I miss him so much and just want to run to him.

Thanks for the ears.

T.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Wed, 10-01-2003 - 7:47pm

Hi T... I'm sorry that you are feeling this way... it's never an easy place to be... I have been there, so I know.

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2003
Wed, 10-01-2003 - 8:05pm
Thanks Sweet (what a fitting name ;)

You really painted a clearer picture with your reply and it's so good to here from someone who has BTDT. I've been sitting here at work thinking about this thing for the last hour or so and I've realized that while I still long to be solely with MM and mourn what we had/could have, the only way we can be completely happy with each other (not resent each other, not be taken through emotional and financial hell with D's) is to remain as we are.

Thanks so much.

T.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Wed, 10-01-2003 - 8:38pm
When you learn to accept that this relationship with your MM is all that you will ever have with your MM, you will find your peace, and you will learn to enjoy your marriage. Make acceptance your goal.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2003
Wed, 10-01-2003 - 8:39pm
Oh yes, you are so right, T. I was in the same situation and it tore me apart. I had to walk away. Believe me, the pain you will face is nothing compared to what you are feeling now if you get re-involved. Let things remain innocent and think about what could've been. It will never be because of the lives you've both created with your spouses. What you will ultimately create for yourself is a web of lies that will depress you so much when you long to be holding him at night. The lies are HARD to live with.

I understand what you are going through so well. I wish someone would've given me this advice, but truthfully, I probably wouldn't have listened. My suggestion would be to slowly end the contact. We even tried talking about our s/o's and the things we enjoyed about them. It didn't work. It just made the both of us jealous and want eachother more.

There are no easy answers. I'd say to follow your heart - but don't. Feelings are traitorous creatures, and in this case, you may get yourself into a situation you might not be strong enough to get out of.

Hugs. :)