scared of the result

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2003
scared of the result
29
Thu, 10-02-2003 - 4:02am
MM took some time off from work cuz W got balls to come to my home.

She called more than she tried finding where i live. she had their two kids with them at midnight last week.

She left mean messages on my phone....called me names, said I was a loser. Was I wrong to call her sad, lonely, sexually deprived woman who is more pathetic than me because she was looking for her H at midnight at my house? She has a lot of time on her hands really.

She is always digging for answers to her questions that he won't answer.

They started counseling. I feel like he's going to change his mind. He says he hates her though. He says he can't stand to be in the same room with her let alone the same house. Girlfriend of mine asked me if MM was worth all the drama I have been through these last few months. He promised me love, He promised that he wouldn't hurt me. He says with or without me, he is leaving W. But would be happy if I was there. He doesn't go back on his promises. Not with me at least. There's a lot going on.....hoping that it will be all okay when he comes back. He calls me, tells me that I am his number one girl and that he loves me. Feels so good to hear him say that. He told me to have FAITH in US. I am scared of losing him. He says that he wants the opportinity that GOD has put before him and didn't want to go through the rest of his life saying "what if".

I guess I need to stay strong, but it's so hard. gonna spend my first weekend alone....DS is going to his dad's....MM gonna be with W and his mom, who is visiting. Promises to call.....Will wait and see. Thanks for listening. Opinions are very welcome.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Thu, 10-02-2003 - 11:17am
Hey Kitty...Im somewhat in that situation...W knows where I live! Not a good experience when she was waiting on MM to drive by to my house - little did she know I was with him in the car we had been out of town for the weekend. Anyhow she got wild and crazy got out of her car and slammed her hands on the windshield looking at me - I was like ohh crap!! Anyhow MM rolled the window donwn a little and told her to move out of the way...and he took off leaving her there in the middle of the street! It was a night!! Anyhow besides all that she is still there and he is still with her. How long is this gonna last who knows, I just figured situation at home cant be that bad if your still there.

JUST KEEP YOUR FEET ON THE GROUND. I WISH YOU THE BEST. You just never know what can happen. Men say alot of things to get what they want...they want the cake and eat it too!

What did W tell you or what did she do at your house?

-Sandy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-02-2003 - 11:32am
kitty, hang in there honey. the situation is confusing, i know. and scary too. waiting is always hard. see if he follows through on what he says. you'll have answers to all those questions soon enough. if he doesn't leave, well, that's should tell you whether MM's living up to his promises. but, if he does leave, will you two live together or separately?

right now, you need to do what is good and/or fun for you. since it's your first weekend alone, do something (or several things!) YOU really want to do -- go to a chick flick, have drinks with a girlfriend, drive to the beach and take a long walk (or whatever), or just lay around in your pjs and read a good book with a glass of wine. take time for yourself, with no schedule or commitments. relax and be yourself....

enjoy,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2003
Sat, 10-04-2003 - 2:18am
she didn't say much. just wanted to know if her H was there with me. told her he wasn't, but she stuck around until after midnight..had the kids with her.

talked to mm today!!!! said w may be leaving this weekend. I hope. I find his mom is very supportive of the whole thing. only she doesn't know the extension of our relationship yet.

i was scared, we talked and he said things are looking better for us.

says he is very unhappy. I can tell in his kiss that he wanted to stay with me.

W left lots of messages on my voicemail because i wouldn't talk to her. she's adding more gray hair to my lovely black locks!!!

thanks sandy!!!!

MEOW

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Sat, 10-04-2003 - 8:23am
I think you are one scaaaary woman if you had no remorse or compassion at all for a woman who does not know where to find her husband at midnight. And if she is sexually deprived, whose fault is that anyway?

Have a bit of compassion, or I can virtually guarantee that one day, you're going to be crossing the street, and out of nowhere you are going to be run over by the proverbial Karma Bus.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2003
Sat, 10-04-2003 - 9:05am
I agree with yogachick.

You only know what you have been told, and to be the W right now, well it's a position I hope to never find myself in because I dont know how I would handle it. She is a mother, and a W, and to know that your life is falling apart around you is the worst feeling in the world, and whats worse is to believe that perhaps there is one person at the root of it all. I know, it takes two to cause a marriage to end, but not in her mind right now, in her mind its most likely you.

I am in an EMA affair, and I feel guilt more for his W than my H, and I know that if she ever found out I wouldnt know how to handle it because of the pain I would have caused her.'

Sorry to be so "negative" but I felt it needed to be said.

Sweettendencies

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2003
Sat, 10-04-2003 - 10:31am
KittyKat,

I don't really have an opinion here. It does sound like he is telling you the truth. I would stay enjoy your weekend by yourself, do some shopping , have lunch or dinner with a girlfriend and go see a movie. Don't dwell on your aloneness at all. And definetly don't think about what he is doing.

Wishing

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Sat, 10-04-2003 - 11:57am
I have to agree with Yoga and Sweettendencies.

Yes, the W is acting out of control wandering around with kids at midnight looking for her H. Sit back for a minute and put yourself in her shoes. She is married and has kids with a man who says he hates her, is having an A, and MIA at midnight. As ST said, her whole world is collasping. Imagine how she must be feeling. Instead of yelling at her, I would act as if I had no clue as to what she was talking about and turn off my phone and lock my door.

I, too, lay awake at night worrying about the pain that my EMA could cause our spouses. I know it sounds hypocritical, it really is the way that I feel.

Sorry to sound harsh. I really do wish you luck.

RH

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 10-04-2003 - 12:30pm
I agree with Yoga and Sweettendencies and red hart. I'm not seeing much compassion here.

But even more than that, I cannot imagine being with a MM who proclaims to hate his wife and 'can't stand being in the same room with her'.

Why do you want a man who has the capacity for treating his wife like total and complete crap?

What goes around, comes around.




Edited 10/9/2003 1:18:45 PM ET by wwwmommydotcom

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2003
Sun, 10-05-2003 - 5:08am
Well, I guess since we are all obviously in the same situation......i must deserve that right?

I was in her shoes once.....I know how to let go. I did't think to find myself here, it just happened. I don't need to go out and find my husband at midnight. he already told her that he wasn't coming home. I guess, if you knew the whole story, you would understand. I didn't ask for compassion, I just vented. We are all doing the same thing., Hypocritical aren't we. I know what's going on in my life. Are you not having an EMA mommy? Strange for everyone to let me know that I am wrong and it's my fault, when yea, it does take two. She already knew it was over when he left a while ago. She was the one who said that she hoped that it would be another woman instead of it being her fault. So, unfortunately I have fallen for someone, who feels the same for me and we are both trying to save our careers....that's the thing at stake. She's been told numerous times already.

I know he is telling the truth.....he may be lying to her, but he's telling me the truth, and I guess if you were a party or KNEW the whole story, then maybe you would understand. I thought that we are all supposed to support each other here......There are a lot of two faces for what I can see, and I AM NOT THE MARRIED ONE having the EMA. Just the other woman. Some support.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 10-05-2003 - 10:29am
If you thought that I was judging you for having an A, then you completely misunderstood my post.

Absolutely, I am having an A, or obviously I wouldn't be here. So clearly, I'm lying to my H and I've broken promises all over the place. Promises I made to him and to myself. I'm not trying to win any moral contests. And I have a 'story' too, but the details don't matter, not in the long run. Because the bottom line is what I just said above.

My point was that it would bother me if I didn't feel anything for his W, or if I ended up in a situation where I was responding in like manner to her anger and verbal-lashing out at you -- you, the person she feels is to blame for her sad situation. I'm sure you're not the reason and the A is just a symptom of a problem marriage between them, but in her position her displaced anger is understandable.

And it would bother me MORE if I thought HE was behaving to her in the way that he is (from your first post). If he has entered counseling with her, it makes sense that she has valid reason to expect him not to be at another woman's home at midnight. No wonder she is screwed up. Sounds like she'll be a heck of a lot better off when he does finally set her free from the marriage.

Best of luck to you, and hope it all works out the way you want.




Edited 10/5/2003 10:35:53 AM ET by wwwmommydotcom

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