He's moving in Oct. 20..I'M SCARED!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2003
He's moving in Oct. 20..I'M SCARED!!!
5
Thu, 10-02-2003 - 12:33pm
Me and my MM have been together for two years now. The W knows, he spends M-F with me and my kids, he's over there on the weekends. We broke up for about a month becuase I saw him and the W coming home from celebrating 11th wedding anniversary (which he said was a show for her parents who took them out). I walked into to this with his promise that he would get a divorce but over time, things would come up like legalities, family, work (he lost his job once) stuff like that. He always said that he didn't want us to suffer financially if he just up and left without taking care of things first. Well now, after the break up of about a month, he is selling the property his house was on. They have a closing date of October 20, 2003. Right around the corner. HE SWEARS UP AND DOWN THAT WITHOUT A DOUBT HE IS LEAVING. He swore on his children's lives that he is leaving. He's never talked like that before, it was always stuff like "Ok IF this goes the way I want it to, then I'm leaving." or "unless something else comes up". But now, since we were broken up he got a taste of what it was like to be without me and he said he's not going to let that happen again. He knows what that marriage does to me and he knows I can't handle it. So I'm scared to death now because if he doesn't leave on the 20th, I'm breaking up with him. I REFUSE to be a victim of this mess. I can't stay in that kind of relationship. I want a future with someone one day and I want it with him, but not when there's a W involved.

I guess I just need some positive input. I just want to know if anyone has ever been there and if so, did the MM leave his wife eventually for you??? PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-02-2003 - 2:50pm
hey fpenick -- i have not been in your position and hope i never am. but for you, i'm sorry you're going through all this emotional rollercoaster. however, you went into the A knowing MM was married with children. AND he actually has the best of both worlds, staying with you M-F and W and kids on the weekends! what MM wouldn't love that arrangement!.

you have now forced his hand by dumping him for that month and now he says he's going to follow through and leave the M after the property sells. i hope you and MM can work out your R together. and please make sure in your head and heart that you want to move forward with MM, if he does leave the M.

if he doesn't leave, you must follow through on breaking off this A and moving on. please don't waste another minute of your life and future if he's not going to be there with you.

best of luck no matter what happens,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Thu, 10-02-2003 - 3:05pm
Fpenick...

I agree with Gurl..she has a point...if he does not go though it leave...excuses there will always be.

I have not been in your position - my MM does say he is going to leave I have been with him since March - we have just recently started talking more and more about him leaving his W - she suspects of me. ANYHOW he has not left its been a month since he told her he wanted a D but nothing yet. I have given myself a time frame for him to get his financial situation and anything else they might have resolved. I have told him this becuase he talks about the future - im like dont count your chickens before they hatch alot can happen and I dont plan to be around. A year in the relationship and nothing out of it but excuses on why he does not leave can continue forever. As much as it might hurt you WE have to move on.

I WISH YOU THE BEST and hope he does leave...make sure your ready for it. My MM popped the question if he can room with me...I WAS SHOCKED and NO really I am not ready for that either...I would like for him to be on his own first before he jumps with me. BUT thats me...it scares me.

Hugs Sandy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2003
Thu, 10-02-2003 - 5:08pm
Oh I agree with both of you guys. I am GONE if he doesn't leave. It just hurts like hell because it makes me feel like I never meant that much to him. He has legally adopted my daughter, (he took me on while I was pregnant with my EX's baby....that's a different story) but he was and is not just an affair. We parade all over town together, everyone at his work knows I am his girlfriend, and he has never hid me. But, you know it's like you said, he's got the best of both worlds. However, the times that I saw him with the W, they were very distant. He avoids her at all costs. Who knows. I just hate that I ever got myself into this. I love him so much, and to answer your question, yes I do want to move forward with him if he leaves. He is a part of my family as well. He says all he is waiting for now is the money. It's all about the money (from the house). And to be honest, I haven't made this easy on him. I interrogate him all the time, I check his phone, pager, etc. We fight all the time anymore about his marriage. He hangs in there though because he says it's going to be over (the fighting) soon because he will be living with me. I know it's no way to be happy with someone but I also know that it's temporary. So it's worth toughing it out for these next 2 1/2 weeks until he moves in. Because either way, in 2 1/2 weeks he's gone or I'm gone.

By the way Sandy, your situation is EXACTLY like mine when we started. You have a long road ahead of you so be prepared. The W is not going to make it easy. Hopefully, in your case she will. Why do we do this to ourselves???

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-03-2003 - 9:38am
good morning fpenick.

i just checked in and saw your post back to me and sandy. of course, i did not know MM adopted your child and that makes your situation all the more complicated. i do hope for your child's sake, and for yours, that he steps up and does the right thing for the both of you. i guess you'll know the outcome by 10/21.

good luck honey!

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Fri, 10-03-2003 - 12:12pm
Fpenick - trust me im prepared for the ride - but just till the year - if there is no change come the beginning of the year thats it IM OUT. I was involved with another MM and that did not get me NO where - I mean it was a mutual thing but 10yrs later I got the bad end of it. NOT THAT THIS ONE IS GONNA BE ANY DIFFERENT. But I have my feet on the ground - im prepared for the worst and he knows that - he tells me im too fast in giving the boot. I have become selfish and I enjoy it basically its my way or you can go. Why should I settle. I told him right now im happy with him - but if things dont change its gonna hurt but he is out and im out. THATS IT BTM LINE.

Thanks for the warning though...

As far as your daughter WOW - that does make things worst and harder on you. That means alot does his W know he did that. That is a big commitment - hell it would seem a little marriage on its own. WOW. How old is your daughter?? Just like your MM my MM takes me out in public and could care less who sees us....

BUT Anyways - I dont know what to tell you since he has adopted your daughter but I still believe that YOU need to make the decision and dont let your life revolve around him. YES thats great he has helped you out - but you need to do what makes you happy. AND I KNOW ITS NOT WAITING ON HIM - you can tell by your post.

Hang in there I know it probably seems forever 2 1/2 weeks - but hell before you know it - it will be here!! I wish you the best and I hope he does leave her to be with you. Keep us (me) informed.

Sandy