What is wrong with me today?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2003
What is wrong with me today?!
8
Thu, 10-02-2003 - 5:04pm
Rationally, I know I'm being incredibly immature. But this is one of those days, and AF is visiting as well, so maybe it's hormonal.

MM and I have always been honest with each other about the fact that we both love our spouses and are not willing to leave them at this point in time. We leave the future wide open. We are also both aware that we each maintain sexual intimacies with our spouses as well as with each other, and I thought I was okay with that.

However, today MM and I were sharing a cigarette at break, when he suddenly says, "I should probably wash off the nicotine before I go home, shouldn't I?" This refers to the fact that oral sex occurs during the workday on a regular basis, and he went on to explain that his W might wonder why he smells and tastes like nicotine "down there."

Silly as it is, I just felt like throwing a tantrum. Clearly, he's enjoying that at home, too, which I *know* and am okay with, really, but I don't want to HEAR about it! The less we know about each other's home lives, the better, IMO. So I told him this, and he stared confusedly at me and asked why I'M not concerned about the same thing with my H. So I respond with the truth - that I don't have *that* issue to worry about as my H doesn't do that for me. MM shuts up and is now going out of his way to kiss my a$$. I don't want that. I don't WANT to be upset with what he said. I don't WANT to care that he's intimate with his W....I'm intimate with my H, so where's my room to talk?! The difference, maybe, is that I've never even hinted to MM about what goes on in my bedroom with my H.

Sigh. This really is a roller coaster ride, isn't it?

Sign Me "Childish Beyond Belief"

 

ItalianPisces

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-02-2003 - 5:14pm
I don't think you're childish, pisces. I think your MM was incredibly insensitive. While you both may be aware that sex with the H/W is still going on, there is no reason to share the hows, wheres, whats, whens and whys of it. I think some small part of him rather enjoyed the "bragging rights" that after having been with you, he will get some at home again tonight. And that is a ROTTEN thing for him to have implied. You're not the one being childish here. Let him kiss your a$$ a while longer. He deserves it.

And I would suggest calmly telling him in the future to please keep those kinds of comments to himself.

Hugs to you.

lily

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
Thu, 10-02-2003 - 8:10pm
Childish, i don;t know, but your not on the rollercoaster alone. If your childish, then we both are together. I freak inside and out, if i even have to hear her name, never mind if he is talking to someone and the say the how's your *WIFE* or he actually says my wife,,,,,,, I go ****ing insane. Now how pathetic is that. I hate this woman due to the fact she treats her H like he is totally worthless. My MM tries his best to avoid these situations arising with me, but it still hurts,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,deep, very deep. I like to pretend in my mind there is no sex between them, (yes i am kidding myself, but i do know they are extremely lacking in that department. He never says anything against his W, but he has told me what he does with me is making love and is like nothing he has ever experienced, NO COMPARISON. Thats because there is true love. We connect in everyway. Sex with her is constanly avoided(maybe 1 x per month) He does what he has to do to not raise too many red flags, I do believe him when he says he isn;'t into his wife, not sexually, not anything. He does say he loves her, but feels it more is because he is supposed to love her, and feels guilty. Try to not ask, try to not hear and if at all possible TRY NOT TO THINK!!!!!!!!!!!!! My heart does hurt, and my friggin mind drives me insane. But, I still love him, and don't want to end it. My therapist said you will know when enough is enough, and it hasn't come to that point and there have been some extremely hurtful times, arguements totally out of control,,,all because I am jealous. He says, he appreciates what we do have, rather than what we don;t. I believe it is better to have loved and lost then to have never truly loved at all. If i died tomorrow, i was lucky enough to have experienced being in love and being loved by my soulmate.Good Luck and Stop thinking!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Thu, 10-02-2003 - 9:13pm
Bless your heart.

I know what you're saying. I wouldn't lambast him totally, though. My OM did the same thing. He told me it didn't especially upset him to think of me having sex with H, and so I guess he assumed it wouldn't especially bother me to know about him and g/f, which, like you, didn't bother me really, but it bothered me, ykwim? His comments about me and H were in the form of jokes, like, 'guess you'll be getting some tonight' the night that H and I went to the Eagles concert this spring. Things like that.

I told him a couple of times how he greatly misunderstood the value of the sex I got at home (WHEN I got it...and btw, yours isn't the only H who won't perform oral on his wife. But funny how put out they get if we don't!!!!). Once or twice he'd mention something intimate about him and g/f. Finally, I came clean with him about how awful it was at home and how it bothered me for him to joke like I was getting something wonderful when, in fact, it was a highly emotionally charged issue for me. I also said that the fewer details I knew about him and g/f the better!!!!!

Maybe talk to him and see if that doesn't help.

Lucky

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-03-2003 - 12:00am
Hello IP,

I wouldn't call you childish, even if you want to have a tantrum, lol. I could do with one myself sometimes!

It's respectful of your H and MM that you don't discuss what goes on behind closed doors, and it sounds as though your MM doesn't normally divulge those details? Perhaps he feels comfortable with you, and it just slipped out without his thinking (since most men don't tend to analyze alot like most women do). Although MM doesn't say a word about being intimate with W, the ocassional comment has been made and I don't think he realises what he has said...I always let it go in one ear and out the other without commenting (then have a tantrum later on my own when I'm analyzing, lol!)...I wouldn't like him to think he has to stop and think before saying something in case he offends me, etc. (though I would say something if he made a habit of talking about intimacies with W!)

And remember that what you and MM have is different that what MM & W has, the same with you and H.

P.S. A tiny bit of jealousy is human, too.

Hope you are feeling more like yourself!

Meow



iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Fri, 10-03-2003 - 3:59pm
No, not childish beyond belief. In fact, you sound pretty self-aware to me. You were bothered by a comment that might not have bothered you at some other time, or maybe just caught you off-guard.

I'd just chalk my reaction up to AF. 25 days out of every cycle, a comment like that would get a laugh from me, and a "Yeah, you oughtta do that." The other 3 might find me fighting the urge to rip his darling head off.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Fri, 10-03-2003 - 5:52pm
Oh no. I hope there isn't a direct connection between MW having affairs and no oral sex from their own husbands....my husband hardly even does this for me, even knowing I love it. He says he just doesn't like the mess...whatever. Anyway, you all are not making my situation any easier, if this is case. I may be doomed! :0)
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2003
Fri, 10-03-2003 - 6:31pm
I'd have to say sign my name to the list of immature people if that's what you're being. I would have had to pick my jaw up off the floor and then he would have heard it. I would have told him to please not discuss those things with me. I'm such a jealous person, so I wouldn't have kept my mouth shut. But my MM is as jealous as me and we both didn't want to hear those details at all, so that was a good thing. Anyhow, maybe you should let him in on the fact that you don't even want to know anything about whether or not they are or are not having sex. Tell him it really bothers you. I'm sure he'll understand. Anyhow, I don't think you were being immature, just human....Jdreamer96
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2003
Sat, 10-04-2003 - 8:44am
Boy the list is growing, because add my name!

You were simply being human not childish in any way. MM and I went through the same thing. One day after a long talk on the phone he emailed me saying "god baby you drive me crazy. I got home today and W actually was in the mood and I got laid, thank god" or something along those lines. OMG I FREAKED! But as most point out I am evil sometimes and although I am normally blunt in open in this case I was not. A few days later he asked why I was in such a great mood and I said "H and I had the most incredible sex last night, as you can tell I am still beaming". Well Ok now that was childish but I felt it just had to be done.

Funny thing happened though, his jaw dropped, he went silent for a while and I asked what the problem may be. He said that he would prefer if we didn't discuss what goes on at home in regards to sex anymore. I agreed. That is the only time I feel we played a few head games with eachother because normally we would talk about things. So its allowed to be angry, hurt, and jealous, at least I think it is :)

Sweettendencies