What is wrong with me??
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What is wrong with me??
| Thu, 10-02-2003 - 8:08pm |
New here and i need some advice. Three years ago, I started an affair with a married co-worker. I was recently divorced at the time. I never had any grand illusions about being with my lover. We both made it clear that it was for fun only. We would hook up every week when I was in between "relationships". I never cheated on any of my serious partners, only got together with this guy when I was single. I've never felt the pure passion for anyone that I felt for this man. And I was surprised that any guilt I had about betraying his wife didn't stop me from continuing. We did this for alomst a year and then I met my current husband. And, as usual, I stopped the affair after that. I changed jobs and no longer see this co-worker on a daily bases. And I thought it was good anyway, to get away form this man who made my insides squirm just looking at him. Anyway, I've been married for 2 years now. I have occasionally emailed my ex-lover as we have remained friends, though I haven't told my husband about our past sexual relationship, but my husband does know who he is. Everyonce in a while, my ex-lover tries to engage in racey conversation with me, even after all this time. And at first I was unresponsive, just ignored it, telling him I can't do that anymore. But lately, I've been dreaming about him, and when he emailed me last, I found myself telling him about my dream. Next thing I know, we are both all hot and bothered. I felt bad, but have to admit that I liked the old passion I felt. I love my husband. I don't want to betray him. But the passion isn't there with him like it is with my ex-lover. The worst part is that I just found out today that my ex-lover has moved out of his home...his wife caught him cheating with another girl. I'm not jealous though...our relationship has never been like that...he told me all about it. And even knowing what a dog he is, I still feel this lust. I'm thinking I'm a sick person. I'm going to a conference in Novemember, an over night one, and he'll be there. He hinted at hooking up then, and instead of straight saying NO, I left it open. What's wrong with me?? Why can't I just get this guy out of my head?? I have no intentions of cheating on my husband, though in a way, maybe I have by talking to this man at all. But why do I set myself up for no good? Anyone else ever been an idiot like me?

Well, I wouldn't like to call you an idiot - not only do I not like the word, but I don't know you.
Besides, I have a feeling that is the road I am headed down. My affair with MM began a little over a year ago, after stbxH asked for a divorce. We have (finally!) seperated, divorce is imminent, and I will be single again (well, I consider myself single now, even if not legally, lol). And here I am still, involved with MM. I suppose I'll start dating eventually - but I can't imagine giving up what I have with MM.
Hmmm, and where does that leave me and any potential future committed relationships I may have, or miss? Is it really true, experience an affair and never go back? I'm almost decided that it's o.k. (for *me*) - horrors, that is not what I was taught (brainwashed, lol).
Welcome, Sue, out of lurking. I hope you feel comfortable in joining in more often, and that you keep us updated.
Meow
Anyway, I basically wanted to welcome you to the board.