So depressed and need to vent

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
So depressed and need to vent
5
Thu, 10-02-2003 - 11:36pm
Well my life is crap right now. Quick background. MM and I met over 10 yrs ago, he was dating my friend and I started dating his friend. I got engaged, he broke up with my friend, I got married, he moved out of state, he got married, I got divorced. We have been in contact all these yrs. (I got him in the divorce). MM and W have had problems from day one, I know he isn't exaggerating about the problems because he talked to me about it before the A. About 7 mos. ago our friendship turned more intimate. He was the one who said that he was in love with me, he was the one who would talk about us in the future. He said he knew he had married the wrong person and should have married me. We finally decided to meet in June and had a wonderful weekend. He got a cell phone that was exclusivly for us to contact one another. (We live on opposite coasts) He would call me every single possible moment he could - even if he was running to the store for milk. We would talk at least 2 hrs a day. We saw eachother again in August. This whole time he has professed his love for me and even thought of a way that we could be together after his D. He was the one who brought up the D, his concern however is that he has young children and is afraid that he would not get custody of them.

Beginning in Sept the phone calls became less frequent to the point that it has been a week since I have talked to him. The phone is on but he is not answering it. A few weeks ago I had a melt down and we talked, he assured me that his feelings for me and about us had not changed, said he would call the next day and here it is a week later and have not heard anything from him. I have made it perfectly clear to him that if he is going to stay in the M I want him to be honest with me so that I can temper my emotions about the situation.

I do have kids and understand his devotion to his kids. I just don't understand why he had to say all those things that gave me an expectation/hope of what would come. I am torn as to whether I should just let this die a quiet death, or if I should force the issue to make him talk to me. I asked him if he needed space or if he was pulling back because he need to re-evaluate things and he said no, he loves me and that is the farthest thing from his mind. So what the he**!!!!

I am a professional, strong, independent woman. I am not the "needy" type, but this has completely upturned my life. I am truly in love with this man. I have never been involved in an A before - never even considered it an option. I don't know how this has gotten so out of hand. I know many of you have advised that if the bad outweighs the good, then get out. Well six of the past seven months have been incredible, but I must confess I was not prepared for this rollercoaster.

I am grateful for this board as I don't have anyone else to turn to that would/could understand.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Fri, 10-03-2003 - 7:56am
I think he IS telling you...just not with words.

I am so so sorry to hear this. I hope things get better for you.

Avatar for madisonkl
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 10-03-2003 - 9:12am
I am a lurker and just had to respond to your post because your situation is quite similar to mine. I am also involved with a MM (over a year now) who lives on the other coast, we also have a cell phone dedicated just to us, & we also started out in constant contact and saying beautiful loving things to each other. My MM started out saying in

the beginning that he would leave his marriage but after the first time we met, he realized he does love & care about me but the guilt he feels because he has two small children is overwhelming. He does not want to be a weekend dad & it tears him apart that he is having sex with someone other than his mother which makes him a cheater. But he is a kind sensitive man & now that he has become involved with me, he is trying to deal with the guilt because he does want to be in my life. I know now he will not leave his family until his children are much older & it may make me a terrible person but I am willing & happy to just be in his life and have an emotional & occasional sexual relationship with him (we have met four times). I have had a lot of changes in my life over the past year (death of my parents, etc.) & he has always been there for me to the best of his ability which is something I greatly appreciate.

My MM calls me most everyday but when he is feeling waves of guilt or when he is feeling secure & he feels that everything is ok with us, the contact starts slipping. Could your MM be feeling guilt also or maybe the opposite, he is feeling secure that you are there for him whenever he has time to contact you & over time he just feels like he doesn't need to contact you every time he is by himself? It is tough having the one you love so far away...I long for physical contact so much, just to be held would be nice. But it is also nice knowing there is someone out there who loves me & cares enough about me to call & see how my day is going.

I think over time, you will find out what his intentions are, just don't push and be patient. Hard to do I know, but pushing & pressuring will only make him dread contacting you & take it from me, that is not a place you want to be in.

Hugs to you,

Madison

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 10-03-2003 - 9:46am
I just had to chime in here. Same kind of situation, almost exactly (opposite coasts, etc). Except that my relationship has been going on for many years. You're at about the point when this kind of thing starts to happen (and I have been through it several times). There are a million possible reasons why he's not calling you, and I would not assume too much at this point if I were you.

It IS a rollercoaster. I truly believe, after learning the hard way, that in this kind of situation it's best to remember that at the start (and during the intense periods) of an A, men say things that they really feel are true (things like, my marriage is horrible and I should have married you, and I'm sure we'll have a future together, etc, etc.) but when the high wears off, they are now faced with the reality of their difficult situation and suddenly they're doing the Man thing... compartmentalizing their emotions, rationalizing everything, trying to control how they feel about everything, not letting themselves be vulnerable. I don't think they are purposefully lying to you, I just think they have let themselves verbalize what's going on in their head at that moment, and it's not necessarily going to be compatible with their lives when they later get their emotions in check.

The above is why I think it is best to take these kind of statements/promises from MM that happen early on with a grain of salt. Or rather, I think it's best to feel really good that he feels this way, and is able to express this to you at this point in time, but not put too much stock in his words. My MM doesn't say things anymore which will put him in a vulnerable position, nor does he say things which will make it sound to me that he's letting his emotions 'get away' from him. He knows from experience that I have in the past read too much from his words (or rather, took him literally at his word) and he's more careful now. But I have learned a lot too over the years, and I know that if he DID say some of the things to me that he did early on, I would let it roll right off me, and I would certainly not believe any of it.

That said... I am extremely confident in how very much I mean to him.

So. What to do? DON'T push. DO NOT. If you push the issue, I can guarantee that it will backfire and you'll get exactly the opposite results you want.

As hard as it is, back off from him. Don't put any additional pressure on him. 'Let it die a natural death' if you want. Because I don't believe that will happen, but it will give him the space he needs, and it will give him the impression that you are going about your own life and not making demands on him that he feels he can't live up to. That is what he needs right now. And I'll bet he comes around.

Just my opinion. Best of luck to you...

Kari

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Fri, 10-03-2003 - 11:00pm
Kari and Madison - you were right. I resisted the temptation to call and leave him a nasty and/or confrontation message and boy am I glad that I did. MM called me today. When I answered the phone, I was cheerful (even though I didn't feel cheerful) and the first thing he said was "you have every right to be upset with me but...there was a death in the family and he had been out of state for the week for the funeral. Yikes, I almost screwed up big time.

Anyway we talked a couple of times today and he was his loving sweet self. He made a point of telling me that he loves me very much, misses me, etc.

I need to stop fretting when I don't hear from him as often as I used to, this is a very busy time for his business (plus it is football season). Of course it is his fault because he spoiled me with how often he calls. I think the insecurity stems from the fact that we are so far apart and do not get to see eachother often. He has been nothing but honest with me for over 10 yrs and knowing him the way I do (pre A), I need to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Thanks for the support!

saatty

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2003
Sat, 10-04-2003 - 8:57am
Saatty,

I was reading this thread and was glad to hear that all worked out. It's hard, I know. I find that when things don't quite go as "I" have planned with MM, meaning not hearing from him, or the odd comment being made, I assume the worst. Perhaps believing that I am preparing myself for the worst and that way I won't be let down. I don't know. If you ever want to talk feel free to email me and again, I am relieved that all worked out.

Besides, remember, if he doesn't come back just hunt him down, tie him up, and torture him.........for weeks :)

Sweettendencies