I need advice... please

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2003
I need advice... please
6
Sat, 10-04-2003 - 6:11pm
Hi, this is my first time here and I never thought I would need a message board like this... but I do. I've been married for almost nine years. My husband used to be really abusive and around the first of the year he started being verbally unkind again. In May, I met the most wonderful man I've ever known. We just intended to be friends. But things changed very quickly. My husband left for a six month deployment at th end of May. By July, the other man was here most nights. By mid-July, you might as well say he was living here. The way he was with me, the way he made me feel was something I have never experienced before. My son fell absolutely in love with him, something hard to believe considering how leary he is of men thanks to my husband. He treated my son just wonderfully, which was a blessing to me... my son has several different special needs that a lot of people have a hard time dealing with. Even before I met him I was planning to work on an exit strategy from my marriage... before things get out of hand again. Over the summer, we talked a lot about a future together. By his estimation he figured it would take me about two years to really be out the door and free of the husband. He told me over and over how he would wait for me and wasn't going anywhere unless I told him I was letting him go. He was also in the military and applied for a program that would allow him to get out early. They approved it for six months early instead of three. He planned to leave the state, go to school and then come back in about a year. We agreed that that wouldn't really be any different than if he'd stayed in the military, because he would have been gone for most of those months anyway. A week before he was supposed to leave, his dad had a heart attack... needless to say he moved leaving up by about four days... Right before he left, his ex called and told him that she wanted him to take custody of their kids, but with some strings attached he wasn't going to like... she wouldn't say what they were til he got there though. We talked a lot about how we would work things out, especially if one of the strings was that he had to stay close to her. Before he left, he gave me a ring... called it a Promise to Promise ring. Its been two weeks since he left now and he's only called me once for about two minutes since he got there. That phone call was on Sept. 23. He said he'd been at the hospital with his dad since he got there and he needed some rest... and that he'd call me and we could talk when he woke up. But there has been no other call. He hasn't answered any emails and I can't see if he's read them or not. He's staying with his parents right now and we agreed that I wouldn't call him there because his mother would hassle me. I don't know what to do... what to think. I am so scared that everything has changed somehow. He told me over and over how much he loved me and how he wanted to marry me... and now this silence from him is just killing me. I love him so much and I'm so afraid of what this silence means. I can hardly eat or sleep... I spend a great deal of my time sitting on the sofa, squeezing a pillow to death... crying my eyes out. I'm sorry this is so all over the place... I'm so beside myself I can't even think straight though. So far the emails I've sent him have been all loving and supportive sounding. The last one said how I was starting to have doubts and insecurities creep in... and to please call me as soon as he could... that was on Tuesday. I want to email him again, but I'm not sure what to say. I know he's dealing with a lot of stuff and I don't want to add to his stress... but this is eating me up. I just don't what to do... I'm so beside myself... its awful. What do I do? How long do I be nice and patient in my emails? Thanks for listening...
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Sat, 10-04-2003 - 11:19pm
Hi ren2findu

Welcome. I wish I had time to write more. I know how it is to post something so personal and be dying for ANY response. I can't give you much, but meanwhile, hang in there. I'm sure others will be along soon to give you their thoughts and advice as well.

He may just be busy -- with his father ill and the situation with his ex, he may be sorting things out. Sounds like he has a lot on his plate. I know it is gut wrenching to not have answers, but you will in good time. Meanwhile, there is nothing wrong with telling him in an email that his lack of contact is making you VERY concerned and upset. Just tell him what you have told us. Afterwards, if you still don't hear from him you probably have your answer. I'm so sorry -- I hope I'm wrong! (And I very well could be).

Let us know what happens.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2003
Sun, 10-05-2003 - 2:32am
ren2findu,

wow, that is a hard one. I have no idea what advice to give. It does seem like he would atleast give you a wee bit of time with a phone call or email. However, if his Dad passed away , there is tons of grieve and emotions involved. Plus all the preprations for th funeral and burial. Not to mention the comforting of his mother and his own sorrow. I don't know what to say here, but I hope that he lets you know what is going on real soon. I know it must be hard, I would have given in to tempation by now and called him, your stronger there than I. I hope you get some answers soon.

Wishing

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2003
Sun, 10-05-2003 - 8:13pm
Thanks for your message. I know I may be facing the worst, but I just have to hang onto hope. He always told me I'd be the first call he made, if he changed his mind about us having a future... and I have to believe that he would follow through on that. I just emailed him. It wasn't quite the long email bearing my soul that I had intended. I discovered that if you send a yahoo greeting they will let you know when its received, so at least I will know when he gets the message. I figure once he gets the message, if I still don't hear from him in a day or two... then I will send him the soul bearing email. I'm hoping for the best... but the worst is in the back of my mind too. I kind of go between the two extremes. I will keep everyone posted on what happens.

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2003
Mon, 10-06-2003 - 3:24am
He finally called!! His dad is in the hospital still... in a coma now. I was so sure it was something like that, glad to have the confirmation though. We spent two hours on the phone earlier and then just finished talking for another hour and a half. The first conversation was with his family all around, something he has tried to avoid in the past. I am so happy and relieved... I feel like I'm floating. I was even able to tell him that I am willing to move to be closer to him when I am free to do so. I can actually go to sleep with a smile instead of tears tonight... first night in a couple weeks. :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Mon, 10-06-2003 - 2:37pm
I am really happy for you. That state of not knowing if anyone is out there is horrible. My OM went on a vacation with his family to see his parents in Europe when we had been seeing each other for about 9 months, and I didn't hear a word from him for a week. What I didn't know was that he is never alone *at all* when he is with them, and I didn't get anything until a week after he was gone - and then it was just a whispered message left on my office voice mail. I can understand, because on the weekends, what with children and all, I am not alone for more than maybe 15 minutes the *entire* weekend - but not knowing what is going on is hard.

Good luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Mon, 10-06-2003 - 2:43pm
Happy for you too! Not knowing is the WORST!