Friends with W??

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2003
Friends with W??
4
Mon, 10-06-2003 - 1:01am
I'm wondering if any of you are in the same situation. I met my MM at work. We became frineds first and a couple of times did things as couples. Then we started our affiar and didn't really do things as with our spouses anymore. But now, our circle has grown to include other friends from work and they have started inviting both me and H and MM and W to various events. Now, his W is even joining our bunco group! He thinks it's fine but I am starting to get nervous. Now if anyone found out, not only would our Ms be broken but a lot of friendships too and our reputations would also suffer.

I guess the solution would be to end our A, but we care about each other so much and love being together so much we can't end it right now. Are any of you in the same situation and how do you handle it?? Thanks!!

TA

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
In reply to: tlalex
Mon, 10-06-2003 - 9:16am
I work with my OM as well. I knew him quite well, and his wife socially, for a few years before we started seeing each other.

I don't have a problem with it at all. I used to kind of fade into the background ("just a colleague" type of thing) when his wife was around, but I know he loves to have me be just as much "there" when she is there - he would like us to be friends, though I think it's a bit of a stretch - we're friendly, but not *friends*. He and my DH get along very well. When my H is around, I never think, "Oh, I'd rather be with OM" - I love DH and enjoy being with him. So when we are together as couples at a party, there is never a problem.

I should mention that OM and I are extremely discreet. I think our colleagues think we are friendlier with each other than we are with anyone else, but nothing more than that. So there is no risk of our spouses finding out anything from our coworkers

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
In reply to: tlalex
Mon, 10-06-2003 - 1:04pm
I'm pretty much in the same situation except for OM is single. My DH and

him have a good mutual friend. They occasionally hung out before we got

involved. They have not been together (OM & H w/. friend) since our EMA began 6 months ago. There is a large circle of friends and often I have been w/ H and OM was there, they

shake hands and small talk spots ect.

It's really freaky for me anyways. I sometimes find myself ignoring H, so OM does not feel jealous, he doesn't but it's all in my mind.

A few months ago OM had a party which the entire circle was invited to, It would have been odd for me not to attend. I checked w/. OM 1st about bringing H, he was cool about it. When I went inside to the restroom, OM grabbed me into a bedroom for a big kiss. I regret this though, even though no one noticed or suspected anything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2003
In reply to: tlalex
Mon, 10-06-2003 - 9:52pm
Shouldi,

Your situation sounds almost exactly like mine. We are also very discreet and nobody at works has any idea we are having an A. Neither one of us wants to end our Ms so we take extreme care not to get caught. So far I've been able to handle events as couples but I do sometimes feel twinges of guilt when we're out together. I too, though, think he likes having me there even if we're with our spouses. At least we're getting to see each other during some times when we normally wouldn't. We'll just have to deal with it I guess, just praying the nobody ever finrs out!

TA



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: tlalex
Tue, 10-07-2003 - 3:43pm
hey lex -- i am in that situation! MM and his W and my long-time BF and I are friends and have been social for over 8 years. our circle includes lots of couples and we too try to be discreet, but sometimes MM and i have gotten physical in a dark corner at a party or two. we both will lose alot if this A ever comes out. and like you, we are deeply into this relationship and will stay together as long as possible.

i work in the same area as MM and his W and she and i have lunch together every few weeks or so. and we all go out on the weekends and have even vacationed together. i mostly keep my feelings for MM separate from our social time together and concentrate my attention on my BF when we're all together.

my BF doesn't want to spend too much time with MM and his W now because he apparently was suspicious earlier this year and searched through my drawers and closets, old papers, etc. until he found a few pages i had written about some of my feelings for MM. stupid i know -- never write anything down (other than on this board!) but i did. even though he and i have decided to stay together and have worked really hard on our relationship, BF is still uncomfortable around MM. i haven't forced the issue of spending time with MM and W because i'm more comfortable not seeing them as often in social situations. less strain on me and MM.

so the bottom line is MM and i see each other whenever possible and keep the socializing with W and BF to a minimum. it's working for now.

take care,

gurl