Urge to scope out the W?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2003
Urge to scope out the W?
17
Mon, 10-06-2003 - 10:28am
I was wondering if there is anybody who has researched the w or scoped her out anywhere. I recently started getting really curious about her and am trying to find a way to stop the urge. Anyone run into the same desire?

This message board can be full of criticism so if you want to email me with your story please do so.

Hope everyone is doing well today.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Mon, 10-06-2003 - 11:10am
Hey, Silver!

I've thought about it once or twice. I think that curiosity about the 'competition', if you're so inclined to think along those lines, is normal. For me, though, I decided that the less I know, the less I'll drive myself crazy.

I work with OM, so therefore have answered the phone a few times when g/f called. Also, when I was his assistant last year, there was a time or two that I had to call him at home for work related things and spoke with her then, too. He hasn't told me a whole lot about her, mainly because I don't want to know. But from what I know of her from talking to her and from what he's told me, I think I would like her. If it weren't for him, if she and I had met socially, we'd probably get along really great. At first, I thought that was pretty wierd, then, I decided it wasn't. From what I can tell, we are very different on a few key things, but otherwise, we're very much alike. It would make sense that he'd be attracted to the same basic personality each time.

But whenever my insecurities allow me to dwell on these thoughts and think that if I just knew more about her...what she looked like, where she worked (money?), all that...then I'd feel more 'secure', I realize that I have to make a choice. I have to either trust in OM that regardless of his R with g/f, he really does love me or not trust in that. And if he does, then what he's got with her doesn't matter until the time comes when I'm not willing to share him anymore.

I *do* trust OM. I know he loves me very deeply. It's a different love, that I know. I get the impression that it's a more passionate love than what he has with g/f, but I'm okay with that if I'm wrong. I haven't asked him, because I don't want to make him feel like he's having to declare one of us the 'winner'. He cares for her and so out of respect for how that might make him feel, I don't ask.

Gee...just read my post...did I answer your question? HTH

Lucky

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2003
Mon, 10-06-2003 - 3:09pm
Hi Silver-- I know how it feels to be curious, but really and truly, when you start getting to that point-- it leads to other things. Like wondering what they act like around each other and how he reacts to her and eventually, you become obsessed with it all which is not good for YOU. And at first, it all seems innocent that you just want to know what she looks like but I'm telling you, it all goes downhill from there. And what if she's pretty (of course she won't be). If I were you, I would keep a distance between you and her. I've been there and done that and all I did was cause alot of grief for myself. When you start to feel like you want to know, try your best to shake it off and think about something else. Just know that no matter what she looks like, she still was and isn't enough for him obviously.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Mon, 10-06-2003 - 4:40pm
Sorry, but I've never had that desire. I had it before we became involved w/each other, but after our A started, I didn't want to know anything.

Actually he put me in a situation when I had to go to their house to meet her. He was out of town and he sent ME there to run an errand for him while he was out. It freaked me out at first knowing that I was going to meet her. Then when I finally met her, it took me a day to get over it.

I was expecting a gorgeous beauty queen who had everything going for her. Instead I got a very warm and nice person. I was a bit shocked at her size because the pictures of her in his office are a few years old. She's just larger than I expected, but still attractive.

Now that I've met her personally, I'm still cool w/everything. I've never seen her as a threat per se because he really is HER H, not mine(I have my own H). I just borrow her H from time to time. And I sure do enjoy every minute of that borrowing.

Laugh Smiles

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2003
Mon, 10-06-2003 - 6:54pm
I felt the same urge. I found a reason to go to their house and I met her. It hurt because she was so unattractive and fat I felt insulted that I was competing with her. My opinion is not to find out about her because it will only hurt you more. But I am a basketcase right now from my affair, so what do I kow. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
Mon, 10-06-2003 - 7:50pm
Hi!

I had no interest in what she was like, but SHE came to see me at my office! YIKES

Aside from the awkward conversation that occured, I wish we had never met. She is a quiet, mousy woman who doesnt want a divorce. I felt a little weird to know so much about their marriage! She isnt someone that I would be friends with (she is older and religious) but now I think about how things affect her when I didnt before.

Try to resist the urge to know more about her because for now by not knowing...she isn't "real".



Good luck in what ever you choose to do.

Aquagirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Mon, 10-06-2003 - 8:24pm
hi girls l know both of my mm W my first affair when 22 my ex-mm was 37 now lm 40 he is 55.l'm friends with my ex-mm w and family she nice lady but little forgetful. she sent me picture of family my ex-mm still looks hot sexy to me he has all white hair now he also very tall he is about 6'8 but his W is short and fat. lm also 15 years younger then them to also small to very pettie still size 2 pettie.kimmy
kimmy
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Tue, 10-07-2003 - 9:49am
Actually you're not competing with his wife as she is now. I'm not even sure I'd call it competing at all. You're just a different part of his life.

I don't consider myself in competition with MM's W. I know that he has a deep long-term love for her. He just says he's not "in love" w/her. I can understand that because I feel I'm in the same situation. I have a deep deep long-term love for my DH, and at times I feel I'm not "in love" w/DH.

Until you're in that long-term marriage situation, it's hard to understand. It's sometimes hard to explain.

Laugh Smiles

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2003
Tue, 10-07-2003 - 10:43am
Thanks guys for all your responses...they actually helped.

Fpenick...i like what you said, and you put a smile on my face...i think you can help me with something. Can you send me an email through my profile...so i can ask you something a little more private.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2003
Tue, 10-07-2003 - 11:34am
Hey silver--- I'm trying to email you through your profile, but it's not letting me. Let me know if there's some other way to email you, I'm glad I helped. I've been in your shoes and down that road so whatever I can do, let me know!! W/B
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2003
Tue, 10-07-2003 - 3:26pm
Hey Fpenick....

You can email me at silver_firefly03@yahoo.com

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