Finally my version of our story

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Finally my version of our story
21
Mon, 10-06-2003 - 1:30pm
Sparkles and a few others, I promised I'd give more detail on my A w/MM. Well here it goes.

I'm not sure too many would call it an A, but it sure feels like one and at times we act like it's one.

He's been my boss for over a year now. During that time, we've worked very closely together and spent many lunches and hours together. I've enjoyed working with him, going to lunch with him, engaging in team moral boosters w/him, just plain ol spending time w/him. Whenever we have to go somewhere as a group, we always ride together and talk about any and everything under the sun.

I would say March of this year I started viewing him as a good friend. I felt very comfortable with him. By March we had developed a great working relationship, and a very good friendship. He started asking me all sorts of philosophical and personal "hypothetical" questions. Little did I know he was talking about himself.

July of this year we were having a friendly conversation with another co-worker. We were just joking around. Well, I made a stupid comment about a “special” need, but I was just joking. The other co-worker offered to take care of my need and of course I declined and that was the end of that conversation. I went back to my office to work.

The next thing I know, my boss is saying that he wants to fill that “special” need for me. The conversation escalated from there to many questions about why I should let him do that for me and vice versa because both of us were “happily” married. Well, our mutual physical attraction was made known about a week before that moment, but we just left it at that and in my mind we were NOT going to pursue anything with each other.

Over the next few weeks, the flirtations increased. Then at the end of a very stressful workday we were both expressing our tension and disappointment over a work related issue. All of a sudden he said he needed a hug, so I offered him one. The problem was I hugged a bit too long and a bit too tight. Ummmm, he felt soooooo good, I really didn’t want to let go. I apologized for my “inappropriate” behavior, then HE KISSED ME!!!!!! I was not expecting that but I sure wanted it badly. And, I might add, it was WONDERFUL. After that, I ran to my office and closed the door. I was so nervous. I kept thinking, “I’m married, he’s married, he’s my boss. I CANNOT do this!”

By the time I got to my desk, he’d already sent me a message about how much he enjoyed that. I responded telling him it was mutual. Over the next few weeks, we were touching each other behind closed doors, kissing, fondling, everything but intercourse. I was feeling torn because I didn’t want to ruin my family nor make his family life troublesome.

Every weekend I kept saying to myself that I was going to stop this nonsense and be good. Every Monday we tried to be good, but by Tuesday we were back at it. The attraction was stronger than both of our desires to do the right thing. Finally I just gave up and said I was going to enjoy him for who/what he was. I was going to stop fighting it. Then we had the talk about what our expectations were.

Initially, it was just going to be purely physical fwb. Then he started asking very personal questions. He said he really wanted to know more about me. He recognized my wall I had built around myself and started asking about that too. So, we had to have another talk about expectations and what this was going to be between us. We decided that we do genuinely care about each other and we value our friendship, so it’s going to be what it’s going to be. We’re not going to force anything and we’re not going to fight our emotions any longer. The lines of communication are always open and will always be open. Constantly we check in w/each other to see if we’re on the same page. Every time we are.

Last week he asked me if he could be my "boyfriend". I had to ask what that meant. When he told me, I told him I would have to think about it. I later told him that he could be my "boyfriend" and I'd be his "girlfriend". What a bunch of kids we're acting like.

We’ve made plans to consummate this A, but scheduling a date is very hard lately. So in the meantime, we’re taking it slow, playing it safe, and still good friends who care.

Laugh Smiles

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Mon, 10-06-2003 - 4:38pm
Well, my goodness, if most people wouldn't consider that an affair, then what was I worried about when I was still only kissing my OM and getting to know him! ;) YES, most people would consider that an affair - I can't think of anyone who *wouldn't*.

Sounds a bit like mine, except that we spent a lot of time getting to know each other quite well before anything physical happened beyond kissing and holding hands. In fact, it looked very much like any dating relationship, except that we are both married. Neither of us has ever used the "FWB" title because we have clearly had *romantic* intentions from the start, i.e. a sharing of the heart as well as the mind and body. But in terms of clearly communicating with each other, OM and I have always done that as well and been very upfront about where we were - which has from day one been pretty much on the same page (or at least an adjacent one!).

I wish you well. It's a lovely thing. One caution - it will not be any easier to give him up in the future. There are plenty of times I know I should do that, and since I delayed doing so right from the start (and neither of us ever backpedaled and tried to wriggle out of this), I have only become fonder and, eventually, more and more in love with him, to the point where I do not ever want to live without him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Mon, 10-06-2003 - 4:51pm
You said, "I have only become fonder and, eventually, more and more in love with him, to the point where I do not ever want to live without him."

That's what I'm afraid of, yet hoping for as well. I know that sounds weird, but I do long to share all of me w/someone who is accepting of all of me.

I think I am falling for him and he's falling for me too. Just today he told me that he's no longer wanting me but needing me and it scares him. He said he didn't like thinking of where I am and what I'm doing when I'm not w/him. He's already professing a fear of losing me. He said that he's afraid the day will come when he can never talk w/me again. I don't know where he got that because I ain't goin' nowhere.

However, it is good to be appreciated like that. I thoroughly enjoy his company, his conversation, his kisses, his touches, his looks, everything about him. Now that I'm over the guilt of it all, I feel free to enjoy him. Do you know what I mean? I'm sure some of you do.

Well, I must run, but I must say that I'm glad this board is here with all of you who are going through and have been through what I am currently going through.

Take care ladies, and thanks for everything.

Laugh Smiles

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2003
Mon, 10-06-2003 - 4:55pm
Your situation sounds nearly identical to mine, except that at this point, MM and I *have* consummated our A. I really identified with what you said about deciding to be "good" on Mondays, but then, come Tuesday, the attraction was just too strong. It seemed like every weekend, I'd decided that I was going to end things between MM and myself because of the guilt, and then as soon as we saw each other at the office, all intentions went out the window. And you know what? I've been so much happier and at peace (as it sounds like you have) since making the decision that "whatever happens, happens." And for the record, MM and I act like a couple of kids, too. ;)

Best of luck to you!

 

ItalianPisces

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 10-06-2003 - 10:30pm
Wow, does that ever sound familiar.... the part about developing the deep emotional friendship before anything physical ever happened. And the fact that you fell in love with him before you consummated the affair (you didn't say 'love', but it's coming out from between the lines of your post quite nicely).

Can't imagine who would think this is not an affair. It's the most intimate, emotional, deeply-involved kind of affair there is. This is much more of an affair than people who are mainly in it for the sex, if you ask me. It's also overwhelmingly more painful if it ends.

I am many years into my A, and I can say one thing in total agreement with the other poster - it ain't gonna get any easier to stop the relationship. But it sounds like your heart is fully engaged, as is his. I also know exactly what you mean when you say you fear falling in love with him, yet welcome it. There will come a time, if there hasn't already, when you won't be able to imagine life without this man.

Enjoy this - it is really special.

Kari

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Tue, 10-07-2003 - 9:34am
I do know what you mean - about the "accepting all of you" and "feeling free to enjoy him." I have never felt guilty, which is strange - I am aware that I am dreadfully disappointing to God, who has been the center of my life up til now, and I feel terrible about that. But I don't feel guilty about my husband, because I have as much love, affection, and passion for my husband and children as I ever have.

My OM loves everything about me, from the body that has borne many children and passed its prime, oh, a couple of decades ago, to my spirit and mind. He says there is nothing I can wear, say, or do that will ever put him off, and while I've tested that ;) he always passes with flying colors.

We plan to do everything we can to be together forever. I don't know how practical that is, but rather than trying to peer too far into the future, we enjoy every day - not with the sense that it may end at any moment, but because every day is good and there is something to enjoy and appreciate about every day, whether we are together or not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Tue, 10-07-2003 - 10:15am
Thanks ItalianPisces. I'm glad I'm not the only one in this situation because at first it was very heart-wrenching for me. The guilt was unbearable. We even had the conversations that went, "We've got to stop this. I love my wife. I love my husband. I love my children. This is wrong. It's over. We'll never do this again. Please stay away from me. I'm glad we have the memory of that first and last kiss." But every time we tried to end it..........you know.

Laugh Smiles

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Tue, 10-07-2003 - 10:23am
ShouldI,

Thanks for your post. The part about being dreadfully disappointing to God, who has been the center of your life up til now is so true. He has been all of my life up till now. Now that I KNOW I'm breaking several laws and commandments, it's hard for me to ask for anything from Him but help with this current situation. I'm constantly asking for my soul to be transformed, for forgiveness for wanting MM so much, for forgiveness for being too weak not to want anything else. Do you know what I mean. It's difficult, very difficult to have this desire and KNOW that it is wrong. But like the song says, "it feels so right."

Laugh Smiles

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2003
Tue, 10-07-2003 - 10:56am
Hey ladies...nice conversation...

Shouldi, I have read many of your posts and you always say that you still adore your husband...etc..etc..

Well my question is how do you do it...I am m and i do adore my husband...even after 7 years i find myself looking at him and checking him out, he really is attractive. I do care for my mm deeply and can't imagine my life without him in it. But i do get scared that it will eventually lead to falling out of love with the h and i desparetly don't want that. When i think about haveing children with the h, it literally brings a smile to my face. But how do you keep it real after several years if you have someone else to think about too?

Lastly, hisgoodgirl....reading your original post was like reading a script out of a romance novel. Very sweet.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Tue, 10-07-2003 - 1:06pm
I don't know how to "keep it real" - it just seems to come naturally to me. I have not made an effort specifically to hang onto what I have with my husband, it just seems to grow. As you probably know, we already have several children together, and after many years, there is no way we could separate ourselves from each other or them. It's a big organic whole.

Because I read nearly every post on this board early on in my EMA, I made extra sure to watch for warning signs that I might find my affection for my DH fading. But no such thing. I've believed for many years that love, as a verb, is much more important than love, the noun; and if I can make the effort to find time for my OM, I can certainly make at least that much effort to be alone with DH, to talk with him, laugh with him, make love with him, be his life partner in all things - i.e., to LOVE him. Lucky for me, he makes this pretty easy to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 10-07-2003 - 2:22pm
Thanks for posting this; what a great point of view! This entire thread is very refreshing to me, and I loved it.

In reading this board for just a short while I've noticed that there seem to be so many different Affair situations that people are in. But some seem to be positive and productive, whereas others strike me as.... well, as a lot more chaotic and dysfunctional and/or not meeting the needs of both parties. I read the 'Statistics on Affairs' post from below somewhere, and I loved the descriptions of the types. I wonder what the prevalence of each type is. This link exactly describes the situation I am in. Does this sound like your A as well?

http://www.wordscapes.net/loving-affairs.htm

Shouldi, I would be very interested to hear what your thoughts are regarding what it is about OM/MM or the A itself that meets your needs, and what would be missing if you didn't have it. That is a question I've been struggling with for many years. Thanks for your post and insights.

Kari

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