Advice needed

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2003
Advice needed
11
Mon, 10-06-2003 - 11:28pm
Hi everyone,

This weekend has been probably the most confusing of my entire life. I went away on business and came back eagerly awaiting the welcome from my family. My husband and kids picked me up and something just didn't seem right.

The next day I had to go away on work again and believed I would be home around midnight. Well I didn't get in until 2 a.m. because the meeting ran long and didn't end until 10pm and the drive was at least a four hour drive.

I was exhausted and I have been working and away from home for almost the entire month and when I came home my husband was extremely angry. I asked what was wrong and he said "a lot of things". I have expressed my anger towards my H at times on this board, but truly we are great together and I love him dearly. So when I heard this I was shocked.

The next day, again, I had to go away on business and surprisingly he offered to drive me. My brother offered to watch the kids and away we went. I was looking forward to spending some time with him. Well after a long conversation it came out that he is concerned that he is loosing me or that I am having an affair. My heart broke, not out of fear or guilt but because when he said those words I felt so upset at the thought that secretly I was hurting him. During this conversation he realized the mistakes he has been making and I realized mine. He pulled over to the side of the road, took my hand and told me that although he has made mistakes and not showing his appreciation of me that I am his world, and that he promises to start working at certain things. That night we stayed at a hotel, and OMG we made love like we used to years ago, I almost cried.

Now, I have NEVER EVER taken time out of my family life to see my MM. We only actually "see" one another about 6 times a year if we are lucky and the odd lunch together. However I have been neglecting some things around the house to find time to email him or talk to him but nothing huge.

This is my problem, I love my H with all my heart and want us to share the rest of our lives together. I never went looking for an A, it just happened. MM is my dearest and closest friend and to picture life without him, well I just can't. Every weekend I think "OK, you have to stop this" but then I get an email, hear his voice, or see him and I just can't resist him. I was reading another conversation on here and many of you said the same thing, where there are times when you want to stop, and be good, but just can't. How do you deal with it?

Here I thought I could deal with this, but sometimes its soo hard! I dont know what I am looking for, but I know I need advice, support, or knowing that I am just not alone in his confusion.

Thanks everyone

Sweettendencies

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Tue, 10-07-2003 - 9:48am
You are not alone in your confusion. I have gone through many times in the past two years where I felt that I should end my EMA (it's a cyclical sort of thing, I've been through these phases 3 or 4 times now), and actually am in the middle of one right now. I know that I will never be right with God unless I do, and I know that I am just not trying hard enough to do the right thing. The actual details of our respective dilemmas aren't important - what is important is that we know that we are not living fully in harmony with what we know to be right.

But, oh, giving him up - I just can't, I just can't! It's not that he fulfills something my DH doesn't (OK, the sex is better, but it's not like I don't love making love to DH, too). It's that he has my heart as much as my DH or any of our children. Yes, I can manage without him, but what a gaping chasm he would leave if he were gone. I could manage without my DH or one of my children, too, if they died, but does that mean I want to? Or even that I should? Wouldn't it be just as artificial to cut OM out of my life as to cut my DH or one of my kids? When I saw OM on Monday morning after not being alone with him for a few days, it was like my heart just flew out to him, the same way it does when I see my DH after he's been gone - I can't stop smiling, I feel like my world is complete again. They *all* belong in my life - DH, my children, OM.

There are times when I wish I'd stopped this EMA early on so I could feel completely like I am doing "the right thing" again, as I used to. But then I think about the connection I'd have missed with a human being as wonderful as my husband, and I think, surely life is not just about being dutiful, surely there is a place for this kind of joy. Like you, I don't take time away from my DH or my kids, and over time I've learned not to take it from my home, either, because that *is* for my family, and I've learned to set clearer boundaries with OM, which actually has gotten easier the closer we've gotten (I don't feel that I need to be available to him all the time for him to know I love him). There have been the occasional wake-up calls, though nothing as dramatic as your conversation with your husband; still, if you listen to the voice in your heart, you know when you are giving more to your OM than he has a right to claim.

I wish I could tell you something to make it easier, but I can't. All I can tell you is that there are others like you here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Tue, 10-07-2003 - 11:24am
Sweet,

I am single involved with a MM, so I can't really relate to your situation but I wonder, you've said that you love your DH - as many of the MW involved in EMAs have. So what was your motivation to get involved in an EMA? Perhaps if you examine why it was that you became involved in an EMA you will find your answer. If your OM gives you something that DH does not - it sounds to me like DH is willing to make sure that he meets those needs. What is it that OM gives you that your DH doesn't/can't?

Please do not think that I am being judgmental or critical - because as I stated, I have not been in your situation and I am just trying to understand where you are coming from so that perhaps I can help.

If you are M and you get involved in an A, the OM or what you get from the OM, has to be worth losing everything you have in your M. Do you still feel that way? I know you have very deep feelings for your OM and feel that you can't see your life without him in it. But your DH has suspicions now and your A may be found out, is OM worth the possible reprecussions? You also said that you do not take time away from your family for the A, but your DH senses something is wrong, so maybe you have not noticed that you have been taking something away from your family because of the A.

This is a tough place to be and I do not envy you in the least. Love is way to complicated sometimes!

saatty

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Tue, 10-07-2003 - 1:00pm
You would think the question, "Is it worth losing everything I have?" would be a no-brainer. When I started my EMA, the answer was no, and it still is. However, like everything else in these relationships, nothing is black and white. When you are both very discreet, very low-key in everything, have a valid reason for every conversation, and keep it under wraps, there is very little risk. Had there been more risk, I would have thought harder about it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2003
Tue, 10-07-2003 - 2:37pm
Thank you shouldi and saaty,

To answer your questions saaty, as I said, I wasn't looking for an affair. MM and I started out as friends, which grew to best friends and so on and so forth.

My H whom I love dearly and who is good to me and I too him, is not interested in the same things as I. He has always lived in the same town, known the same people, and loves his motor sports. I on the other hand have travelled the world, have a large group of friends, love music, love dancing, and I am an extrovert where he is not. That is our only difference, which I suppose is a big one. I have had a large variety of life experiences in my travels, H hasn't. He also tends to only want to talk about or share his passions, but not mine which is the theatre, music and travelling. However our beliefs, priorities and love for eachother is the same.

He started questioning whether or not I was having an affair because when I work out of the country I tell him when my flight will come in, well lately it always seems to be 2-5 hours late. Plus I have been under a lot of stress with work, which normally isn't the case. He made the assumption that it was something he was doing, and with me always being late lately he assumed that perhaps I was with someone else. He has since apologized and realized that that is not the case.

When I met MM we realized how many interests we shared. His interests are the same as mine and as I said we both tried so hard to keep it on just a friendship level. But then it grew. I fought it, as did he, but then one night when we shared a kiss, my knees went weak and it was more difficult to resist.

So, I emailed MM today telling him about all that has taken place this past week and now he is hurt. He says he will let me go, but that wasn't what I was asking, I just wanted to talk. He says he doesn't know what to think, and that he feels that I may not have room for him in my life. So again, I am confused and have somewhat brought it on myself.

He got angry because as Saaty said, my A is not something I will risk my marriage and life for. My marriage and life come first, well that hurt him. I said "I need to focus on other things right now, which means less conversations and so on. If I don't, I will loose all that I love" Well his reply was "are you saying that you are willing to loose me, whom you love" and he was hurt.

So that leaves me here in Limbo, which is fine. Thank you shouldi for your posts and relating to me, its nice to know I am not alone here.

Sweettendencies

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 10-07-2003 - 2:58pm
The problem, as I see it, is that "everything I have" is not just my marriage and my children. It is also my relationship with MM.

So even the definition of the risk involved is various shades of gray. Either way I lose something that means everything to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Tue, 10-07-2003 - 4:20pm
I agree completely - though of course my feelings about "what is at risk" are different than they were 2 years ago, or even 1 year ago.

May I ask, how long have you been in your EMA?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 10-07-2003 - 4:25pm
It's been over 7 years, and it has not always been perfect. We live on separate coasts, which makes it quite different from yours in several ways, but we talk and interact daily and see each other fairly frequently. I will admit that I didn't go into this A with the attitude I have now. I learned a lot about my own expectations and the reality of my (and his) life along the way, and the lessons were not without pain. But in the long run it was well worth the process of getting here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2003
Tue, 10-07-2003 - 5:46pm
Mommy, I think that is great that you have been able to hold it together for that long.

Its funny, today MM surprised me as he always likes to do. I was soo worried about how he was feeling about all of this. The last email I recieved stated he needed time to think, because in no way does he want to cause me pain.

Then around 3pm the phone rang, I answered and heard, I love you and will do anything that you need done. To live without him, well I just can't imagine! I told him that my words were taken in the wrong way and he understood and we chatted about everything and he made me feel so much better. :) Although its soo hard at times, he reminds me of how much I have grown to love and care for him. Its been almost a year since it all began, and I am thankful and pray that it will continue, I have to remember my usual saying, take it a day at a time.

Thank you everyone!!!!

Sweettendencies

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Tue, 10-07-2003 - 7:55pm
hi ladies! HUGS

I'm on the other end of all this... see I'm single and my MM is the happily married one who has told me from the get go he will not leave his "life" for me! :( It hurts more than you all can know! That I am not enough - but I do stop and realize that it isn't apples against apples - he has a wife he loves (even if there apparently IS something missing or he wouldn't be risking it for me), 2 precious children, a career that he shares with his wife, admiration of friends and family... etc. etc. I'm not sure I would be okay with him giving ALL that up for me - and yet is it THAT easy for him to make that decision? UGH it's a constant circle for me because I just do NOT understand! :( anyway - I feel for you - I've only been involved in my A for 6 months and I've thought "I NEED to get out of this" MANY times - ESPECIALLY lately! But what I *think* and what I actually do aren't really coinsiding! I love him and it doesn't matter if he's married or not I'm considering ending a relationship that is still making me happy... well to some degree!

Anyway - I don't know what I'm getting at here - but I just thought I'd share the perspective of THIS side of the coin! :(

Best of luck to all!

K

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 10-07-2003 - 11:18pm
Hi Sweet, it sounds very much like you have two men who you love and you are torn between how to make them both realize you love them too... and the stress of being between that rock and a hard place where you *think* you should do The Right Thing and give up the A, yet you *feel* that you ARE doing the right thing. Does any of this sound familiar?

I'm not sure I can offer any helpful advice, except to say that I understand the position you're in, and how very hard it is. Hugs to you...

Kari

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