advice on ending M

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2003
advice on ending M
4
Tue, 10-07-2003 - 8:41am
This is my first time here let me start with my story. I met my H about 6years ago. I got pregnant and then of we got married. Things where o.k. but I have always kept in touch with exboyfriend. After baby #1 I saw my ex and we kept up with phone calls and trying to make plans to see each other but he is out of state so it is a bit difficult. I am not attracted to my H, he is good to me and kids but we are more like close friends living in same house. I tried to cut off contact with ex and see if I would feel any different towards my H. It didn't work we always end up talking and trying to get back together. The next problem is I wanted baby #2 so while I tried to not speak to ex I got pregnant and had baby #2. My family really likes my H they never really knew my ex so they said they did not like him. I don't know how to tell my H it is over and I want to leave. I don't think my family would be supportive b/c they would say I have a nice home and good husband but I am not happy. I am not a good communicator I usually let things slide that bother me so telling H that I am not happy is going to be the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Any advice on how to do this I would really appreciate.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Tue, 10-07-2003 - 9:54am
Quick advice - see a counselor for at least 2-3 months before you do anything drastic. A counselor can help you w/your communication skills. You may find that you can get what you want from H when you start opening up to him.

Laugh Smiles

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Tue, 10-07-2003 - 10:55am
I have to agree with hisgood girl, go to counseling first. Even if you start out with indivdual counseling then move into couple counseling.

I know that old loves can be hard to let go of, especially if there wasn't a bitter break up. They become your "what if". There is no way of knowing if the "what if" would be any better than what you have now, it could be worse. Why is it that you are not attracted to your H? Has this always been the case?

In the mean time, while you are going through your counseling, there are things you should do to prepare yourself if you do decide to get a D. First, get a P.O. Box and have any and all of your personal mail sent there. Second, get a credit card in just your name, set up a separate checking account. Make copies of all necessary documents such as birth certificates, SS cards, DL numbers, make a list of your debts with account numbers, contacts and balances. Make a list of assests acquired before and during the marriage. Get a cell phone. If you decide to take the kids and leave, check into how much money you would need for deposits for shelter, utilities, etc. (Sometimes utility companies will waive a deposit if you have a good payment history where you are). Start checking into retainer fees of attorneys. Remember if you talk to an attorney and disclose information regarding your situation, your H can't use that attorney later on. Go on the internet and look up your state's provision regarding temporary orders (some states will not force either spouse to vacate the home unless there is domestic violence). If you leave the house (provided you own a home) in some cases, that hurts your chances of getting the house in a property settlement. Go ahead and talk to an attorney as soon as possible, even though you are going to counseling. Sometimes the reality of what is involved in a D makes people think twice, especially if there is a possiblity of salvaging the relationship.

Good luck.

saatty

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-07-2003 - 11:07am
Uh, yes, counselling.

It's not that cut and dry.

In reading your post you pretty much just seem to take what you want and not even consider your husband.

You said, "he is good to me and kids" but "I am not attracted to my H." Then you say, "The next problem is I wanted baby #2 so while I tried to not speak to ex I got pregnant and had baby #2."

Do you think about how this will affect him if you just wake up one day and tell him you are leaving with his two children? I mean c'mon. Take some time and think about this. You are not considering him at all. If this is your behavior, maybe something is wrong with you and the way you communicate. You need to learn to express your desires and dislikes and perhaps someone can understand and meet your needs.

Just to decide to have two kids and then up and leave without talking to him about your problems is cruel.

Maybe this sounds too harsh for you, but it's really meant to be an eye-opener. What if someone did that to you? Pulled the rug out from under you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2003
Tue, 10-07-2003 - 5:23pm
Let me be more specific. I am not physically or mentally attracted to him. Even when I stoped communicating with my ex and tried to be "good" my feelings for my H did not change, I was still miserable. When I said he was good to us I pretty much meant no verbal or physical abuse, but he does not help with the kids. It is expected that I take care of the kids and house even when I ask for help he refuses. I was attracted to him when we first started dating but I married him b/c I was trying to please my family since I got pregnant and we were not married. I felt pressured by friends/family to have another child so my oldest would not be an "only child" and sure the thought of a baby was nice and maybe my feelings for H would change but they didn't. We sleep in the same bed but have not slept together nor has he even tried to since I got pregnant with second child. I would not want someone to stay with me if they were not in love and happy. My parents stayed together till I was grown and I knew as a child that my mother was not in love with my father. You could see the disgust on her face when he tried to touch her. I don't want my girls to go thru this I want them to see that you can make changes if you are not happy. Life is to short to just say maybe tomorrow I will make the change.

I guess I am selfish but I can't stay to please everyone else.