what does an A say about my marriage..

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
what does an A say about my marriage..
9
Wed, 10-08-2003 - 10:59am
I'm so confused about the feelings I have for my H right now. If I really loved him would I be so involved with another man?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2003
Wed, 10-08-2003 - 11:28am
Secret,

I know its hard. There are times that many of us go through the questioning, guilt and so on. I don't know much about your situation but I can offer advice or support based on my own.

Personally my affair just started out of the blue. I thought I was happy with my marriage and couldn't ask for more. Then one day, there he was, MM, we shared time laughing and talking and I found myself drawn to him. But I marked it up to attraction, nothing more. After all I was married, to go there was against my marriage and who I am.

But as time went on the attraction grew, then one day he just placed his hand on my thigh while he was giving me support about a serious family situation. There I was feeling so lost and helpless and with one touch from him I felt so calm, comforted, and loved.

One day while sharing lunch he just looked at me while I was speaking with a few others and I noticed it and looked back at him, his smile was unlike anything I had seen before and that smile of his brought one to my face as well. Later he just came up from behind me and whispered "has anyone told you just how amazing you are" and my heart skipped a beat and I got goosebumps. That day we shared our first kiss.

Its been a long hard road, and its not easy. Recently I started a thread about my situation, and it was nice to hear that I am not alone, which I never thought I was really. There are days when I spend time with my husband and we laugh and kiss, and the guilt is deep within me and I feel like crying. But on the other hand there are days that MM and I joke about taking a business cruise and falling over board and finding a deserted island for us to live on so we can be together for a long time and not hurt anyone. There are times I try to "escape" from it all, especially when away on business. And I lay awake thinking, OK this is wrong, I have to end this now. But I can't. Why, because MM is a part of me, something that makes me whole and makes me feel WONDERFUL.

The last few days have taught me a few things, for one, I love my husband dearly and I know he loves me, for two, I love my MM as well, and he loves me. Where H is not one to communicate well or share the same interests, MM is. Its not right, to fall in love with two men, especially when you want to have your cake and eat it too. But it happens, and if you go into the A realizing this, and honest with YOURSELF, it can all work out.

Love, friendship and attraction are not things that we can dictate, turn off or on. Its realizing that and dealing with it the best way you know.

Sweettendencies

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
Wed, 10-08-2003 - 11:35am
Thank you. I guess I'm just trying to salvage a marriage that has been loveless for a long time. My MM came along when I was SO lonely that I couldn't stand it any longer. He was there when I needed him the most. I guess now I'm just trying to make sure my marriage is all but gone. And you are right I can't dictate how I feel about my H. Thanks again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Wed, 10-08-2003 - 11:38am
An affair does not say anything about your marriage, so much as it says something about YOU. Anyone can have a bad marriage, and most people feel, from time to time, that they do! People get angry at their spouses, they fall in and out of love with their spouses, they feel hatred toward their spouses, disgust, etc. But only SOME people cheat.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Wed, 10-08-2003 - 12:07pm
You are so right YogaChick. Only SOME people cheat, and according to the statistics it's about 50% if you count both populations, and if everybody's telling the truth. I suspect it's a bit higher than that though.

And I must also add, that some people may have a wonderful home life and still decide to cheat.

Laugh Smiles

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2003
Wed, 10-08-2003 - 10:27pm
I'd like to add to what Sweettendencies said. Some of us don't go looking for affairs, they just happened. Like Sweet, I never thought I'd be in an affair. I also love my husband althought I admit things were rocky when my MM and I got close. But although I always said I would never have an A, when I decided to, it was with much thought. I grew so close to my MM and there was such an attraction between us that when we finally did break down and start the A I didn't feel guilt. I do have moments when I look at H and think how can I do this to him, I know it would hurt him if he found out, but I found so many things in my MM that I love, I don't want to be without him in my life. My marriage is not the best but I can't hurt my H by leaving. So, here I am in love with two men and in a place I never dreamed I would be. Life can be complicated sometimes!!

TA

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 10-08-2003 - 10:34pm
I would bet strongly that it's more than a bit higher than 50%.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 10-08-2003 - 10:44pm
Of course it says something about YOU, but I'm not sure it's the 'good person', 'bad person' thing. It also says something about the marriage that has been a part of the YOU. I agree that most people feel from time to time that they have bad marriages, and they get angry, and they're not 'in love' with their spouse anymore (the whole 'love' and 'in love with' distinction is ridiculous, if you ask me). Some people cheat because although they still love their spouse, they think they have fallen 'out of love' with them. What a crock of %$#&... just my opinion. Those are the people who cheat because they want that intense rush, that emotional high of a new relationship. And they think that's what it feels like to be 'in love with' someone, and that it should last forever.

And some people really do have bad marriages, and they cheat.

And some people truly have great marriages. And they cheat.

Bottom line is, I think people behave in the way they do for a multitude of very complicated and hopelessly intertwined reasons that are often impossible to pinpoint. An important relationship like a marriage certainly plays a role in that, whether it's defensible or not. Again, JMO.


Edited 10/8/2003 10:46:46 PM ET by wwwmommydotcom

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 10-09-2003 - 9:00am
"...people behave in the way they do for a multitude of very complicated and hopelessly intertwined reasons that are often impossible to pinpoint...." HOW PERFECTLY PUT!!! Thanks!

Liberal

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2003
Thu, 10-09-2003 - 9:54am
Mommy you worded that perfectly.

I don't believe cheating in your marriage defines what kind of person you are. It merely defines your life experiences, emotions, and so on. We are all human, we all make our own choices.

Sweettendencies