You had been married for six months when you met your OM, right? Sorry read that a little too fast. LOL Why did you marry you husband when you obviuosly had second thoughts? You DID have a choice to marry him or not, did you not? Did you marry him because you thought he is a good provider? I am confused.
I suggest you and H go to counselling and see if you can salvage the marriage first. I think you must put more effort in your M before you can think of anything else in the future with OM or no OM in it. Sometimes being a good provider and a good father is not always good for YOU. What's there in it for you, anyway? Marriage to me needs to be a lot more than that. Anyway, I hope you can work it all out. Good luck!
I am sorry to hear that things are confusing for you right now.
I know that at times when people get married, are caught up in the romance and possibilities of what the future may hold, that sometimes within a short time you realize that perhaps it was a mistake. I have been there. I was very young when I married my first husband.
You may not like what I am about to say and for this I am sorry. But I think you are so caught up in the emotions right now that you perhaps are missing or not seeing all the aspects of it all.
I realize you have known OM for 5 years, however it has been online. I know every situatin is different however the fact of the matter is most likely you don't really know him as well as you may think you do. I have said it before and I will most likely say it again, the grass is not always greener on the other side. You are in love with what he offers you right NOW, you dont' know what he will offer you in a life together.
By the sounds of things he is a man who isn't quite set in his life. Where your H seems to be. Sure right now you have problems in the marriage, but please don't think that once you leave that marriage to be with the OM you won't have problems there, just new ones! You said that you husband is taking medication for stress, well hopefully that is helping. But perhaps you should try counseling.
The road ahead is yours to take and unfortunately you won't have a map to guide you a long the way. But should you end the marriage, do it for you, not for the OM otherwise in the end you may find yourself in an even worse situation than you are now.
I have a dear friend that had been married for 15yrs. She met a man online who was also married. They chatted for over 4 years and decided to meet. Well they met and felt that the attraction was much stronger than they had ever expected. For months after she came back from seeing him I gave her a shoulder to cry on not to mention I bit my tongue because something didn't seem right. Sure enough he left his wife and 3 kids and moved in with a friend. Soon she left her husband and got her own place with the kids. They began visiting eachother more and more and soon he seemed to become very possessive of her but also her children. Well months later she was able to end things with him and it got to the point that she needed a restraining order. She one day got a call from his W. Who informed my friend that she was not the first, and that her husband has been on medications and diagnosed as being bi-polar and that when he left his W his W was relieved to see him go.
I am sorry for being negative, but I just hope you look at all the possibilities I wish the best of luck.
And I do know what I'm talking about. I was in a long-term online affair that sounds very similar to yours.
As much as you *think* you know this OM, you do not. I know you feel like you know him better than you know anyone, and you are so close to him, and all of that. But let me tell you something that I learned the hard way - when you interact with someone online only for a long period (years) and you 'get to know them' extremely well, you are being forced to essentially "create" a person in your own mind. This is because your only medium of communication is infrequent (compared to real life) telephone and online interaction. There are SO many important parts of the individual that you just can't know through those mechanisms. No matter how hard you try. Over a period of time and very gradually, you begin to 'fill in the holes' of this person who you've painted in your own mind, and you don't even realize you're doing it. And eventually, you've created a whole person - based on what you CAN know about him, but also much of it based on the illusion that you've created in your mind. And I am talking about more than just things like the fact that you don't know his little quirks, etc. I'm talking about the entire essence, the being, of an individual.
Sorry if I sound dramatic. And I'm not saying that he might be an axe murderer or a horrible person and is hiding it from you - I'm only saying that you have fallen in love with someone that you have in large part been forced, through circumstances, to create on your own.
You NEED to spend a great deal of real-life time with this person before you start talking (or even thinking) about the possibility of a future with him. After you do that you may find that your feelings haven't changed. But I guarantee you WILL find that you have come to know a different person than the one you think you now know and love.
I would highly suggest that you deal with your marriage issues first, and let any kind of future decisions slide until you've worked that out.
Mommy you cracked me up with the axe murderer remark, haha. I agree with you though, meeting somebody online is not the same as meeting them in person. Plus about the future relationship with the OM - I think its early to be thinking of that right now since you are STILL married to your husband. One thing at a time, if you ask me. First focus on issue with marriage and decide what you want out of your marriage. Good luck!
I suggest you and H go to counselling and see if you can salvage the marriage first. I think you must put more effort in your M before you can think of anything else in the future with OM or no OM in it. Sometimes being a good provider and a good father is not always good for YOU. What's there in it for you, anyway? Marriage to me needs to be a lot more than that. Anyway, I hope you can work it all out. Good luck!
Edited 10/10/2003 6:20:03 PM ET by charmed1007
I am sorry to hear that things are confusing for you right now.
I know that at times when people get married, are caught up in the romance and possibilities of what the future may hold, that sometimes within a short time you realize that perhaps it was a mistake. I have been there. I was very young when I married my first husband.
You may not like what I am about to say and for this I am sorry. But I think you are so caught up in the emotions right now that you perhaps are missing or not seeing all the aspects of it all.
I realize you have known OM for 5 years, however it has been online. I know every situatin is different however the fact of the matter is most likely you don't really know him as well as you may think you do. I have said it before and I will most likely say it again, the grass is not always greener on the other side. You are in love with what he offers you right NOW, you dont' know what he will offer you in a life together.
By the sounds of things he is a man who isn't quite set in his life. Where your H seems to be. Sure right now you have problems in the marriage, but please don't think that once you leave that marriage to be with the OM you won't have problems there, just new ones! You said that you husband is taking medication for stress, well hopefully that is helping. But perhaps you should try counseling.
The road ahead is yours to take and unfortunately you won't have a map to guide you a long the way. But should you end the marriage, do it for you, not for the OM otherwise in the end you may find yourself in an even worse situation than you are now.
I have a dear friend that had been married for 15yrs. She met a man online who was also married. They chatted for over 4 years and decided to meet. Well they met and felt that the attraction was much stronger than they had ever expected. For months after she came back from seeing him I gave her a shoulder to cry on not to mention I bit my tongue because something didn't seem right. Sure enough he left his wife and 3 kids and moved in with a friend. Soon she left her husband and got her own place with the kids. They began visiting eachother more and more and soon he seemed to become very possessive of her but also her children. Well months later she was able to end things with him and it got to the point that she needed a restraining order. She one day got a call from his W. Who informed my friend that she was not the first, and that her husband has been on medications and diagnosed as being bi-polar and that when he left his W his W was relieved to see him go.
I am sorry for being negative, but I just hope you look at all the possibilities I wish the best of luck.
Sweettendencies
And I do know what I'm talking about. I was in a long-term online affair that sounds very similar to yours.
As much as you *think* you know this OM, you do not. I know you feel like you know him better than you know anyone, and you are so close to him, and all of that. But let me tell you something that I learned the hard way - when you interact with someone online only for a long period (years) and you 'get to know them' extremely well, you are being forced to essentially "create" a person in your own mind. This is because your only medium of communication is infrequent (compared to real life) telephone and online interaction. There are SO many important parts of the individual that you just can't know through those mechanisms. No matter how hard you try. Over a period of time and very gradually, you begin to 'fill in the holes' of this person who you've painted in your own mind, and you don't even realize you're doing it. And eventually, you've created a whole person - based on what you CAN know about him, but also much of it based on the illusion that you've created in your mind. And I am talking about more than just things like the fact that you don't know his little quirks, etc. I'm talking about the entire essence, the being, of an individual.
Sorry if I sound dramatic. And I'm not saying that he might be an axe murderer or a horrible person and is hiding it from you - I'm only saying that you have fallen in love with someone that you have in large part been forced, through circumstances, to create on your own.
You NEED to spend a great deal of real-life time with this person before you start talking (or even thinking) about the possibility of a future with him. After you do that you may find that your feelings haven't changed. But I guarantee you WILL find that you have come to know a different person than the one you think you now know and love.
I would highly suggest that you deal with your marriage issues first, and let any kind of future decisions slide until you've worked that out.
Best of luck to you,
Kari
Edited 10/10/2003 6:19:13 PM ET by charmed1007