What am I Gonna do???

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2003
What am I Gonna do???
3
Sat, 10-11-2003 - 2:04am
Hi. I have been involved with my OM for almost five months now. He is the best thing that ever happened to me. I've never known the love and acceptance that he has given me. I know its terrible to some, but for years I have prayed for someone like him to come into my life even though I am married. We have talked extensively about a future together... to the point he even bought me a ring. My H left for a six month military deployment about a month after I met my OM. Things were not good before he left, he has issues that will never get better unless he decides to make it happen and I am honestly tired of trying to make it happen for him. Anyway, his departure gave me and my OM what I think is probably a pretty unique opportunity. We were able to be together almost constantly for three months straight. There were plenty of outings... real dates even... but also precious quiet nights at either my house or his. We were very careful around my DS, to make sure he didn't see anything... because that is the last thing I would want him to see. But my OM and DS got along like you wouldn't believe. He treated my DS a thousand times better than his daddy does on his best day. My OM has been gone for three weeks now. He got out of the military and was supposed to start college, but his dad is in a coma (probably won't recover) so he has delayed starting college, which I totally understand. Adjusting to him being gone has been really rough, especially when I went so many days without hearing from him. I've finally gotten over crying myself to sleep at night... so I guess I'm getting better.

Now to the "What am I gonna do?" part... my H will be coming home from his six month deployment in about seven weeks. I have no idea what I am going to do. I can't stand the thought of him touching me... of letting him kiss me... and the thought of sex with him is more than I can bear to think about. I can't think of any way in the world to deny him when he's been gone for so long, without him knowing something is wrong. I am not in love with him... haven't been for a very long time... have stayed out of fear more than anything. Now I am convinced that I will leave him... unless a miracle happens... but I don't want to rock the boat until I am at least somewhat prepared. He has been very abusive in the past and I'm a little afraid of how he might get if he starts to suspect something. So how do I cope with him coming back? I know most of you live day to day with your spouse's and sneak time in for your OM/MM, how do you do it? How do you act "normal" around your spouse? I need any and all advice... Thanks so much.

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Sat, 10-11-2003 - 11:50am
Julie,

I think that you have a bigger issue than some of us here. First, you are dealing with an abusive spouse that you say you are afraid of. Please, please, if you are afraid of him, get out of that situation to some place that is safe for you. Even if it means that you will be raising your DS alone. Get a restraining order if you have to. There are places that can help you get a new life started. No one deserves to be abused for ANY reason, including cheating.

Secondly, no wonder you have turned to OM given your situation. Is he free and willing to start a real and open relationship with you when he gets family stuff behind him? Do you love him? Or was he available when you were lonely, sad and abused? Is he what you truly want?

Only you can make the choice. Be safe.

Hugs

RH

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2003
Sat, 10-11-2003 - 1:03pm
Hi. Just wanted to add a couple things. I'm not really afraid of my H on a day to day basis, he tries really hard to hold it together since all of the counselling he had. I can see though that he is headed down that road again, which makes me afraid of how he would react if he found out I was wanting to leave. So that's why I want to be very careful not to give him any reason to suspect anything. Now, he has started saying stuff in his emails about how he wants to try to be a good husband and give me what he can in life and how thankful he is that I stand by him because he knows he isn't a good husband or father. I'm pretty sure though, that's his lonliness talking or more of the reverse control crap he is so good at.

As far as the OM goes, I was not looking for anyone. We met when he was new in town and were just friendly with eachother for about three months. Then one day we were talking and we both realized how much stuff we had in common... common interests, goals, beliefs... something I have never really shared with my H, no matter how hard I tried. OM is definitely wanting to start a real and open relationship. He says right now he feels like there is a steel wall between us and that he is willing to do whatever it takes to get through it and that he will wait however long I need him to. I know without any doubt that I truly love him. I have given lots of thought to if he is what I really want and why I turned to him. I believe whole-heartedly he is what I want and my reasons for wanting to be with him have little to do with being sad or lonely. He makes me happy beyond anything I've ever known. He is just the kind of man I always wanted. The only thing that is kind of worrinisome sometimes is that he is a worst-case scenario person... always has to think of the worst that could happen... even if he doesn't expect it to. So sometimes he says things that make me a little insecure. And, I'm a worrier... have a hard time realizing he's just going through all the options. But we have both gotten better about that. I am very sure he is what I want, its a matter of getting out of my M with the least amount of pain to all of us. I don't want my H to be hurt any more than he has to be, I just want to be free to live a life without wondering when the next blow up will happen.

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Sat, 10-11-2003 - 1:44pm
Julie: I think that in answering my questions, you have answered your own "what am I gonna do?

Sounds like you and the man that you love are going to work it out to be together. I would let H down as gently as possible and get on with my new life. I must admit that I envy you. I would give anything for a chance at a life with the man that I love. Unfortunately, it will never happen like that for me.

Good luck


Hugs

RH