I'm new here with a question about guilt

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2003
I'm new here with a question about guilt
5
Sat, 10-11-2003 - 8:20am

My affair just consummated a couple of days ago. MM called me yesterday, clearly feeling guilty. Did any of you have this issue when your affairs started? How did it resolve itself? I am married, too, and have to deal with my own issues, but I was wondering how any of your MM worked through their initial feelings of guilt and fear.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2003
Sun, 10-12-2003 - 8:15am
bump
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Sun, 10-12-2003 - 2:31pm
I wanted to reply, but don't really have any advice to lend. When my EMA 1st began, I asked MM if he regreted it or if he felt guilty. He said no. After 3 years, I still am not sure why my MM is in this EMA. I asked him once and his response was "something that I am not getting at home" I said that something has to be fundamentally wrong in our Ms to do this. He said "that's a given" I left it go at that.

I can share that when our EMA was new, MM would pull away for several days after we were together. The better our time together was, the more distant he became. After about 2 years, we told each other that we were in love. After that the distancing stopped. We are closer than ever. Looking back, I do think that distancing himself from me was triggered by guilt. I am M'd too and I haven't felt terribly guilty. My H doesn't seem too interested in me and hasn't for a long time. I begged him to change for years without any results. I guess that I feel like if he isn't interested, why not find at least a little happiness with MM.

As I said no real advice to give, just wanted to respond.

Hugs

RH

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2003
Sun, 10-12-2003 - 2:47pm
Welcome Steplightly,

I'm not sure I can offer any advise, but I did want to take a moment to respond. I am single, involved with a MM. We were involved in an emotional affair for quite some time before it ever became physical. MM considered an "affair" to be physical, so when that intimacy began, he had to work through his issues of guilt. He didn't want to be a "cheater". We did not have actual IC until he had resolved this issue (although there was already plenty of other physical aspects to the R that we enjoyed), and I think he really had to step back and consider what he felt for me and come to terms with the physical intimacy being just another extention of the emotional aspect that was already firmly in place. Everyone deals with guilt in their own way, and I remained patient and let MM work through his. One benefit I have in this R with MM is we have established very good communication so we were able to talk about what each of us was feeling during the guilt stage.

Best wishes to you,

Annika

Brightest Blessings, Annika


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
Sun, 10-12-2003 - 3:58pm
I agree w/annika about everyone dealing w/guilt in their own way. One MM I was with was absolutely thrilled the next day and happy-go-lucky. Another MM was very stand offish for a while, I gave him a lot of space, and told him that it was okay, and we would never have to do that again. He seemed relieved and felt better. He eventually divorced and we became b/f g/f as single people. It could be guilt, and it could also be pressure to continue EMA w/you. Let him know there's no pressure from you.

Hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2003
Mon, 10-13-2003 - 8:06am

Thanks to all of you for your responses, it sure does make me feel better. He contacted me yesterday, but only briefly, because there was too much going on at his house. He did let me know why he didn't contact me sooner, which helps, too. I haven't approached him yet about getting together again. We spoke about it last week, and he joked he wanted to get together "every 20 minutes." Its SOOOOO hard to be patient. I don't want to pressure him.


I remember reading a book many years ago that said that many men are "emotional distancers." When they get close, they back away for awhile. Many women do the opposite, and want to cling tighter. Why, oh why did God make us so different????!!