Can't believe I'm here

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Can't believe I'm here
7
Mon, 10-13-2003 - 11:16am
I am new here and can't believe I am even here because I have NEVER been with a married man before now and need some feedback. About six months ago I got aquainted with a man purely as friends and we found that we connected on many differnet levels--intellectually, emotionally, spiritually. We got together a few times a months for discussions over coffee. He is in a marriage that is dead and abusive. We have grown closer our relationship has now become physical. He says he loves me, calls me everyday, and we get together twice a week. Things have been beautiful. He says that i am the woman he should have married and has looked for all his life, he loves me and is exclusive with me and has never had an affair before. My affectionn for him is growing into a love and i have to say that i have not ever been with anyone that I can realte to on so many levels and feel so comfortable with.

Anyway, I got through the guilt phase when he told me his marriage is dead, abusive and that they haven't slept together in over six months. When we first met i really supported him in making it work but he has always insited there is no hope. He has two preteen aged boys that he doesn't want to leave, he is part of a culture that doesn't easlily support divorce. I see him struggling with the dilema. I have believed him but still have been cautious.

Each and every time that we have spent together has been really wonderful-no matter what we have done--and the talking we do together is amazing. I have been at peace with this believing that our relationship is pure and honest and have accepted it as a gift we both have needed to enjoy for whatever time we have together. The affection and resepct I have for him is growing into a love, which has really surprised me beacuse I was afraid of hurting him and that he cared more for me than I did. But lately I am having these doubts and thinking the worst and afraid of playing the fool with this guy. Doubts like: is he telling me the truth about his wife, what if he is just wanting a green card (he is foreign, I am living/working in his country, temporarily),am I falling for the same old married man's line about how bad the W is, etc. etc. so he can cheat on his wife. Is he just another liar and am I being gullible.

Then tonight a friend of mine who has spent some time with us and at frist really supported us told me she doesn't believe him. She said, yeh, yeh all the cheating married men tell the other woman she is his true wife and she thinks it's cute and they all say the wife doesn't undersatnd me or appreciate me. blah, blah, blah. and that really got my own same voices stirred up and thinking of every horror story that I have ever heard about cheating lying men--single or married.

This happened just after he called me and told me that he is getting to the end of his tolerance for his wife's abuse and that he finaly told his older sister about us--which really touched me deeply. When he called me later (after I talked with my friend--I felt so cynical that I suspected every loving word he told me was a line)

Any feedback????

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2003
Mon, 10-13-2003 - 5:32pm
There have been a number of men I have been with as they "left" their relationships. I have learned both personally and professionally that men often need someone to BRIDGE (hold their hand) as they leave a LTR. It is not necessarily a bad thing to be that for someone. Just be cautious! In addition I am a firm believer that one has to spend time alone when one leaves a relationship. If he does not have the space and time to feel the joy, the pain the separateness he is likely not to learn from his mistakes and grow from them. When we cover up the pain in a relationship with the joy of a new one we miss out on terrific opportunities to learn about ourselves. Enjoy the ride but don't put all your eggs in his basket, nor should he yours. Hope this makes sense.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Mon, 10-13-2003 - 6:07pm
You sound very intelligent and intuitive. Trust your gut...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Tue, 10-14-2003 - 3:51am
I totally agree with you...I have my eyes wide open, I am not putting any eggs in his basket and will not even think about that until he is free and clear and we have had a much longer time to get to know each other. That wasn't the issue here. I care about this man as a friend first--wasn't even sure if I liked him as anything more until just recently. It is he who is proclaiming love for me,that i am the only one for him and fantasizing about a future and I keep telling him that is not appropriate at this time.

BUT my issue here is--i just hit the panic button going down a a very negative thought trail that he is totally playing me or scamming me-----I have some trust issues--been around enough to know that there is a real possibility that he may be a womanizer, may be lying about the bad relationship with his wife, maybe be trying to use me to get a visa to the states, may be using me as a trophy--hey i am able to get this beautiful foreign woman etc.etc, etc, Somtimes he does and says things that don't completely make sense to me--but we do talk about them and I satisfied with his answers. All along, without being naive, I have felt that he has been very sincere with me. Don't know why I hit this suspicsious wall so hard--maybe when my friend started saying all the same things and I've been lied to before.

Right now, I can be his friend and his lover and his bridge--this friendship and love may be just what the doctor ordered for me, too. I have not enjoyed a man so much or felt so comfortable with someone in a very long time. Because he is married and we have only just begun a sexual relationship I will not let myself become too invested emotionally but can care about him. Right now I certainly can't say whther i would want to make a future with this man but i can say that our time together has been wonderful and is based on a strong friendship and caring. If he told me today that he and his wife are going to work this out--I would be able to accept it and be happy for him, but IF he is lying to me and if I can't trust him, though then I couldn't continue on and that would hurt me.

Any more feedback??

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2003
Thu, 10-16-2003 - 8:08am
It is so amazing when I see your words, I feel like I could have written them. I have so many issues with trust as well.....

I have decided that I have trust issues for many reasons. One, is because I have been lied too and deceived so I should have issues! Two, bright, witty, pretty and wonderful a person I am I sometimes have this little internal dialogue that goes something like this, "How can this amazing person like me so much. He really 'understands' me, he 'gets' me and he, THIS AMAZING person actually likes me." This little glitches in my self esteem become evident (why does he like me so much) and I get into some real stinking thinking. I start to believe that the only thing that makes sense is that he must be scamming me. This all must be a farce. Lies. Deceit. Isn't this awful that we do this to ourselves? I am not sure I have an answer but I do know that when I start down that path I know some button is being pushed and when I start thinking bad about myself, I trust that the situation cannot be good for me(no matter how good it feels.) You also MUST articulate your fears and trust your gut with the responses.

Now, having said all that.....I am in a relationship with a man who is the father of my children. We have been together for 8 years. We are at the friendship/roommate point but economics and kids keep us together. I have had an affair or two (or three) to get that romantic, emotional connection that I miss so much. Because I am so starved for this, I find myself "falling fast" and wanting more sooner. I wonder if your guy is in a similar place....so starved for this type of connection we do what we can to move it along and have it faster. I hope this makes sense.

Have you read the book "Reinventing your Life" by Young and Klosko. I am not a 'self help' book type but I did find this helpful in understanding all the chemistry that happens at the beginning of a relationship.

Out of curiosity, are you a nurse?

Here is some feedback interjected in your text:

>>>>I care about this man as a friend first--wasn't even sure if I liked him as anything more until just recently. It is he who is proclaiming love for me, that I am the only one for him and fantasizing about a future and I keep telling him that is not appropriate at this time.

Does his proclamation of love make you feel differently? Make you want to feel the love too?


>>>>>I have some trust issues--been around enough to know that there is a real possibility that he may be a womanizer, may be lying about the bad relationship with his wife, maybe be trying to use me to get a visa to the states, may be using me as a trophy--hey i am able to get this beautiful foreign woman etc.etc, etc,

Where is he from? Is infidelity generally accepted in his culture? He is abused by hi wife physically? Is there evidence of this? (One of my affairs was with an Indian guy who was physically abused and had the scars to prove it. She sounded like a real rager. I feared what she might do to me had I been discovered.)

As far as hitting the suspicious wall.....only time will tell, in the meantime protect yourself.

N


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Sun, 10-19-2003 - 10:23am
yep-it does sound like we do the same kind of stinking thinking. I would be doing this with any guy I dated and started getting involved with. Doubting and doubting. The fact that he is married and i hear him lying to his wife makes it worse. over the last six months, we have been so close and talk about everything. Before I started getting emotionally and physically involved, I totally trusted him--- We truely just are so much on the same wave length. We have spent hours together talking laughing, walking and the time is so short. He is not a smooth talking guy, not a wealthy guy but very intelligent and unassuming and sweet and never boring.

last night he called and wanted to see me, he called from the hospital visiting his cousin with cancer. I was really tired cuz i went on a vigorous all day hike with colleagues but told him sure come over, I'm too sore for anything but talk, call me when you are through at the hospital. two hours later I didn't hear from him so I called him, he just quickly said, I'll call you later, I'm sstill at the hospital. so I started the stinking thinking and three more hours went by and i was furious--and decided he is playing me, lying to me or he better tell me his cousin died because the last visit to the hospital didnt last long. He finally called at 11,I almost didn't answer the phone I was so mad but ai did and he told me his cousin died--i felt like an ass.

yes, he has the scars old ones and new ones--last week his face was scratched up, before that his arms.


why did you ask if i was a nurse--was many many years ago but became a teacher and international program manager,Now am teaching English at a Korean University.

the thing about infidelity in this contry is that it is very taboo on one hand and then widely practiced under cover. There are hundereds of "love hotels" for couples to go who want to be discreet and if you don't have a woman you can order one to meet you there. Pretty sleezy. He told me he has never been with another woman until me and has always been faithful to his wife but when he met me he realized that i was the one he really should be married to and his heart needs. I have not felt so close to someone or felt so easy with someone or ever started out being such good friends and have it grow into more--so wouldn't you know it--now I have and he is not only married but Korean and even if he wasn't married it would be an impossible situation. So, I don't know what to think.

On one hand I know this guy is starving and he meets some important needs of mine. At first it was just someone who was on the same spiritual wavelength as me, then found how intellectually compatible we were then how much we enjoyed each other's company and then a warm affection and now wonderful lovemaking. So I could tell myself it is OK that we are together. sometimes i feel guilty and wonder if I'm fooling myself that this is a good thing or does it have to end up in disaster for someone.

It could be a wonderful blessing that we will always have in our hearts but we could never have a future together-and I certainly can't say yet, if I would want one with him even though he is the best guy I've been with in a long long time--if my "this is too good to be true" thoughts are not accurate. If this is true, I believe we will always be friends. That is the basis for our relationship and the physical part just seems to copmlete it.


He is stuck in a difficult situation--tryng to figure out what to do and i think will stay with her at least until the kids are grown-they are 11 and 13 now. I respect him for wanting to do right by his kids and her but at the same time diappointed in him--because he is appeasing her and not standing up to her by saying---this isn't good and what are we going to do about it.but then I suppose if he could he would and if she wasn't crazy he could. He believes he is handling in the best way possible and he doesn't feel guilty about us or how he is handling the situation about her. But I see the saddness that comes over him. I was in an emotionally abusive realtionship once and was so intimidated by the guy. but I had lots of counseling help which isn't availible in this country like it is in the western world. I don't think being in an abusive relationship is good for the kids or him. I think if he could figure out a way to get to the States he would. There is so much more social freedom here--he is way more of an independent thinkiner than most Koreans and hangs out most of the time with Americans and other foreigners. but it is almost impossible to get a visa, even being a spouse of an American, unless he had a lot of money which he doesn't. Plus, I don't want to spend the rest of my life here and am just trying to save enough money to give myself a good start and buy some investment property home and getting to travel on my long paid vacations


Thanks for listening and for your feedback and sharing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2003
Sun, 10-19-2003 - 1:04pm
Well let me start by saying that I have been seeing a married man for 2 1/2 years. In the beginning it was wonderful.....his wife even moved out....he took me on vacation with his 3 kids....we loved each other very much...said we would be together forever. He kept saying he was going to get a divorce but was letting her be the one to go through with it. I was so in love and he was mixed up...she was the type that would do anything to "win" or keep him...especially when she found out about us. After a few months things got really bad. I hardly ever saw him and stayed home depressed every night. The pain was some of the worst I have experienced. I was very dependant on his love. You get the point. I have always been very strong headed and independant. But I lost myself. 9 months after it initially started we ended it and he was working things out with his wife. After a couple of months we missed each other and I stupidly didn't stand my ground and we started our sneaking around again...but no plans to get back together. To this day we still care for each other and although I am over him for the most part....I know he is staying with his wife. He had told me how bad things had been with her for years....he wasn't happy...all that you were talking about. I had even seen scratches and bruises that she had put on him...and he didn't even call the cops on her. He was also a different race than me. Now I am pregnant and there is a very slight possibility that it could be his. I am in another relationship with someone I have been seeing on and off for over 10 years. I'm happy but there will always be that pain in my heart from the EMA. The advice I am going to give you...I couldn't have taken myself because I was so dead set on that relationship working and hanging on. But ....my advice would be to take a step back and see if he really does divorce her. My MM even bought me a ring. He had a key to my apartment. I had all of these things to keep me holding on thinking that he would pick me. But he didn't. And my heart was crushed. My spirit was crushed. At the end it turned into a sex thing. And that is my fault for going along with it. There is something about the excitement and fun that we have when we get together. It was just a way of still not wanting to let go. Search yourself and ask yourself if you really want to go through this. If you are ready to go through hell. Because you deserve someone who is available and can focus on you and only you. Hope this helps some. I know it's hard. Good luck!

J

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Mon, 10-20-2003 - 11:49am
I am so sorry for your pain. But you also had the joy of the love. Your story and the stories i have read on this site are the reasons I have NEVER before been with a married man. I know now that when it is time for us to part there will be pain because the joy has been so great--a bittersweet thing. Like I said, I can't believe I'm here. I am not with him with the idea of making a future with him or making it all work out happily ever after. I know that I can not even think of making a future with this guy--that is not the point. Don't know exactly what is the point. I'm in entirely new territory. WE are friends that love each other and have become lovers. And now I can see how normal and natural it is to want to continue to be with someone you love and make a life together and i know that can never be with him. I don'tknow what to do about this --it is he who is the most dependant on me right now but I care a lot about him and love him dearly. Think Anna and the King--only fast forward to the year 2003.

This has been so good and yes I know i deserve someone who is available. I hope that our time together will always be something that has added to our lives. I know it has helped me open my heart more and feel love and loved--even though I have those times of suspicious stinking thinking.

I am applying for a job back home--if I am accepted it will quickly end my life here--that is another story. I am not quite ready to give up 41/2 month paid vacations and money left over to each month to save and my life here is comfortable. But, I also want to make a life at home again and this job is one I've been keeping my eye on for a long time and it's finallay opened.

thanks for your sharing and feedback.