A better update on my emotional EMA

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
A better update on my emotional EMA
2
Tue, 10-14-2003 - 11:14am
I have posted a couple of times about my emotional EMA for the last five years. I am married with my youngest child being 17 and OM is divorced with no children, although he has raised several step children and continues to see them. As I have posted, OM is black and I am white. We live in the south, so the racial issue is a big deal. OM and I work together. Our EMA was great when it first started and then he backed away and said that he couldn't handle the intimacy and that as long as I was married, we could only be friends. I try to be his friend. I try to talk to him and I try to call him. We can talk and I try to be the best of friends with him and then he backs away. We have talked about a future together, but nothing definite. OM pretty well knows that I will not leave my marriage until my youngest son is 18, which is one more year. I did fail to mention in my previous posts that once earlier this year, I told OM I would leave my marriage right away to be with him. I had seen him out on a date with another woman and I got scared. I told him that I would start looking for a place of my own and I would get a divorce. Well, OM dropped the woman that he was dating right away. I guess he wanted to see if I would really leave and get my own place. Well, then I got too scared to leave and file for divorce, so I stayed with my husband. OM has never said anything about it except about two months ago he asked me when would my youngest child be out of school. Since then, OM has started dating again. We have not discussed the issue any further about me getting divorced or a future between us. OM knows me well wnough to know that if I ever get a divorce, he would be the first one to know. I know that I am fencesitting and I didn't do him right when I told him that I would move out. This was earlier this year. I just got scared and I know that divorce is a big deal and I dread dealing with the pain that it would cause my husband. Now, OM is out there dating again, and of course, I am not happy about it, but I don't dare say anything to him. When we do talk, he always tell me that he loves me and I tell him that I love him. So now what? I really don't know what to do because OM doesn't seem to want to discuss a future with me until I am divorced. I remember him telling me this once and he also said that he doesn't want to break up my family. He wants me to leave for ME. He also hurts me sometimes the way that he treats me. By that, I mean, he tries to keep our conversations business or "light" or acts like he's too busy to talk to me and then there are days when he will come around me like he can't get enough of me. What is this about?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-14-2003 - 2:29pm
You must understand that he feels that he wants you for his own. He has a right to some companionship so you shouldn't expect him to be true to you. I'm sure that he loves you. You on the other hand, must have some bonding with your husband to feel like you do. It is a bad situation and I know you are suffering, but life can throw us some lousy curves. I hope things straighten out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Thu, 10-16-2003 - 3:38pm
Southern Girl

It also sounds like he's being cautious. He doesn't want to get his hopes up and he doesn't want to get hurt. I read your earlier post about him telling you he only wanted to be friends. He may also be confused about a number of things. But, it doesn't sound like he's confused about NOT getting involved with a white married woman in the south. A black man with a white married woman is a big deal. He's just protecting himself. Respect that and don't pursue him. Just remain friendly until you do finally divorce your DH. Then you can do what you like concerning this man.

Laugh Smiles