my story (sorry it's so long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2003
my story (sorry it's so long)
5
Sun, 11-23-2003 - 10:12am
Hey all, I'm new to these boards so I thought I should tell you my story. I've been married for 25 years and am in my second EMA. I still can't believe it happened the first time let alone a second. I never in my life would have thought that I'd have an A. Guess you should never say never. The first one was with H's best friend who is married but miserable. They're still friends and H never found out about the A. I ended it about 3 years ago because MM was asking me to take too many chances and we live in a very small town. We're still friends too and he calls me at work every once in a while to see if I'll meet him sometime. I have no interest in being involved with him again but I also don't want to hurt him because I still care about him as a friend.

After the first A ended we began hanging around with a different group of people. There are a few couples and one single guy. We are the best of friends. The single guy is separated and he has a girlfriend but they didn't live together. After hanging out with this gang for over 3 years, the single guy and I somehow ended up beginning an A. There was chemistry right from the start but we'd managed to resist it.

We emailed each other regularily and the emails went from innocent to teasing to suggestive to downright megaflirting but nothing physical had happened. This summer he got transfered about 3000 miles away. During the last couple months that he was here the whole gang spent lots of time together. At this same time my H was going through some medical problems and his personality was completely changed because of his chronic pain. I tried to give him lots of space and ended up spending a few weekends with the gang without the H. It was during this time that the physical part started. A week before SG (single guy - don't know what the correct initials are) left town we slept together for the first and only time. Since then we have only had contact through a couple phone calls and tons of emails and chatting.

It has been so difficult. His girlfriend and I were becoming friends before this started and now she just gets on my nerves because of the way she treats him. She didn't move with him because her kids are here and her ex has custody. She just got back from a trip to see him and I find it extremely hard to listen to her talk about her "conjical (sp?) visit". I keep having doubts about SG's feelings because he says that he took the posting to get away from her but she tells me how they're buying a house together when he gets back. He tries to reassure me that he loves me but neither of us are willing to make any changes in our situations because we don't want to screw up our friendships with the gang we hang around with. So here we are caught in this long distance A.

I am nervous about telling my story because I'm so cautious but I hope to find someone anonymous to talk to about this. I guess I just want some support/feedback from others in situations like mine.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Sun, 11-23-2003 - 7:08pm
I am also in a long distance EMA. I am M 17 years and he is a MM my same age. Your relationship could grow through the e-mails and phone calls. Have you thought about how you can get together occassionally?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Sun, 11-23-2003 - 9:49pm
Hi LDA,

I haven't been on the board for a few months now, but your post struck me and I couldn't resist...

What do you want out the A? Or a better question, what is that you are missing from your M that has led you to have an A a second time? Do you love your H? It sounds as if you have come to some kind of conclusion about your relationship with H -- either that it isn't going to improve or that things are fine just the way they are. It was surprising that you would say revealing the A risked upsetting your friendships with your gang of friends, and, yet, you didn't mention upsetting your M. Something about that just doesn't make sense.

Now, back to the A--If it is an LDA and restricted by distance, maybe you could use this time to take a breather and figure out what you need on a day to day basis--what you need to make you happy, rather than what you desire and dream about every few weeks there is the slightest chance you could meet up with SG. Otherwise, in between the times you meet up with SG, who is not married, who does have a girlfriend, who may want a family in his future, you are going to have to deal with feelings of want, jealousy, sadness, and hopes that things could be different (hence, the rollercoaster everyone talks about!). Between H's best friend's to your group of friend's happiness, you are going to have to figure out where your feelings fit into all of this.

I'm not sure if this is the kind of support you are looking for, but I think it just takes time to sort out the little things--like the excitement of a phonecall from SG to the intricacies of the actual conversation--before you can get to what will really make a difference--and that is figuring out what is going on in your head and what will work for you in the long run.

Good luck, LDA, and I wish you the best,

Alameda

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Mon, 11-24-2003 - 11:44am
It's not clear from your post if SG's distance is a temporary or permanent situation. I do not recommend that you persue this A if the distance is permanent. I was in an EMA for 5 yrs when we moved across the country 2 yrs ago. I actually thought we should end it when I moved, but MM did not want to. When I was back recently to see him, things happened that made me reconsider the entire situation. In the best of situations Long Distance Romances are difficult, as are A's. Combine the two and it's a recipie for heartache. Not intending to be mean, but have you considered that he slept with you because he was leaving and therefor he wouldn't be risking much acting on the attraction?

I agree with the other poster in that you should take this time to think about what you really want in your life and yor M, why you need/want this A, etc before you become too much more emotionally involved. (by the way SG has to do the same) I would say get out now while you can, but hey, I'm on the lowest dip of my particular rollercoaster.

-C

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2003
Tue, 11-25-2003 - 2:18pm
Thanks for the reply. I'll try to answer your questions. What's missing from my M? I do love my H but we're more like best friends rather than H & W. We have been married forever but have lostt all of the spark. I would hate to hurt him by leaving and am extremely careful to make sure that he doesn't suspect anything. He seems to be quite content with the way things are but I always felt that there was something missing from my life. Both SG and I are content with this situation. Neither of us want more from it.

It may sound strange but I think that the A has helped my M in some way. I'm happier and not resentful of H about the stuff that I felt was missing. SG already has a family and doesn't want to start another one. He will be moving back here in a couple of years and I guess we'll just take it one day at a time as to how we continue. We are in contact through emails and chat every day or two and he will be back for a visit each summer and we may go visit him.

I've already taken a couple rides on that rollercoaster but we've talked about it a lot and I think we've reached a place where we're both comfortable. We've agreed that if the situation gets too difficult for either of us we'll put an end to it so we can continue to remain friends. Maybe I'm being naive but I think we can manage it.

Regarding the first A, I was at a point where I was ready to leave my H and the A with H's BF probably saved me from leaving. I think my H had suspicions about his friend and I and that's a big reason why I put an end to it. I really don't want to hurt H.

I don't know if any of this makes sense or answers your questions, but I appreciate the questions because they make me think. Thanks again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2003
Tue, 11-25-2003 - 2:32pm
His distance is temporary and we will be seeing each other a couple times each year. I think his leaving was why we both wanted to be together before he left. If he hadn't been leaving we probably would have taken it much slower but neither of us has any regrets about what happened between us.

I did have concerns after he first left, but once we were back in contact with each other we talked about that and he assured me that we were both having the same feelings for each other. Yes, it is an extremely difficult situation, but the benefits that we receive from it are worth it. Who knows what's in store for the future. We're just taking it one step at a time.

Hope you're back up at the top of the rollercoaster real soon and thanks for the feedback. It's just so nice to have someone to "talk" to about this.