Yada, Yada, Yada

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Yada, Yada, Yada
11
Sun, 11-23-2003 - 5:55pm
Help me, please. Am I the other woman? What should I do about this? I'm am one F*#@&ED duck!!! This is the deal...

When we first met, he was well on his way to a divorce. They were separated and barely speaking to each other. For crying out loud, he even bought his own house and moved out (that was even before we met). So I began seeing him while (at least I think that I am right) he was pretty much single and free to date whomever. So my dumbass falls in love with him, and we are spending all of our time together, and then poof! The wife finds out he's happy with someone else, someone much younger, and she says that she's changed her mind and that she wants to try and make it work out. I knew from the beginning that the idea of breaking up his family devastated him, and to be honest, I actually encouraged him to try to make it work out with his wife if the opportunity arose. So they have been going to marriage counseling but he's still living at his new house and she's still at her house. Meanwhile, I can't seem to pull myself away from him, even though all of the circumstances surrounding our relationship have changed. He goes on trips with his wife and spends time with her, and he won't even take me out to dinner out of fear that someone will see us and tell his kids or the wife.

I have tried to be as gracious as possible... His wife had the gall to call me up and ask me to return the jewelry he had given me for my birthday, which was pretty expensive (about 3K). Even though I loved my gift and I had never owned anything that beautiful in my entire life, I decided to return them, except instead of giving them to him, I gave them to her with the stipulation that she return them to my MM and explain to him that she had asked me to return them. Her request came six months after she thought our relationship ended. She thinks that I don't see him anymore, but I do, so of course I told him what she had asked of me. I returned my gift to HER almost 5 months ago, and she still hasn't returned them to my MM! And yet he keeps on going on with her, knowing that she hasn't told him yet. I am not the gold-digging type or anything like that, but I really loved that gift, and I hoped that years from now, I would be able to open up that velvet box and remember the man who made me feel alive for the first time in my life. His wife totally stole that from me and I am really upset by it.

Anyways, I am sorry to rant and rave but I think I just reached my breaking point today. I didn't sign up to be the other woman, but if that is what I have become, its no one's fault but my own. I can always leave him. I just don't. So am I THE OTHER WOMAN? And what do you all think is going on here? Am I destined to get the shaft (and not in a good way) if I continue on with this?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Sun, 11-23-2003 - 7:47pm

Wow! Tough situation. I don't really have a lot of advice as I don't have a lot of experience. If he is not telling W that he is still seeing you, then yes, that probably makes you the OW. The gift...that's even tougher. I probably wouldn't have given it back to her. If you were going to give it back, give it to him, but that's water under the bridge. I'm kinda a bitch, so I'd confront W. But that's me...probably not the best thing to do, but that would make me very angry.


Good luck to you


Haunted

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Sun, 11-23-2003 - 8:46pm
Haunted,

Thanks for the input. At the time that the wife requested that I return the jewelry, my MM and I were trying not to see each other due to something else that happened (my story is convuluted enough as it is, but let's just say that my previous post was just the tip of the proverbial iceberg). When she wanted me to give back the gift, I was trying to be polite, but I thought that if she had to return it to her husband and explain, that she would be forced to admit that she has been lying to him about a number of other things regardng me. When she contacted me about the gift, she informed me that she had been sleeping with my MM the entire time we had been dating (and she wasn't that nice about it; she was more condensending). She would tell my MM that I called her or that I emailed her when the reality was that she was the one contacting me and I was polite enough to answer her inquiries about my relationship with her husband. I always told my MM about these points of contact immediately after they occured. Then she would come along and say that I was the one instigating contact. Fortunately my MM trusts me and believes me, but I still think that her behavior is WAY bizarre.

Anyway, part of me wants to throw in the towel, but another, larger part of me enjoys our relationship way too much to just walk away. I know that this is typical and obviously no one has a magic cure (if they did, none of us would be here!) but it helps soooo much to finally vent it all out! ARGHHHHH! Thank you for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2003
Sun, 11-23-2003 - 9:09pm


She sounds like a real winner and I wouldn't be surprised if they don't end up

apart again anyway....... don't give up hope...... It's not over yet IMO

but about the jewelry.... I would have never given to her....if he asked for it that

would be different and also how the hell did she know about it in the first place??

Avatar for stillwingy
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Mon, 11-24-2003 - 1:18am
Now is the time to decide what kind of a relationship you want and deserve! I think you are WAY too nice to have given her the jewelry back but I think a part of you prob just did it hoping the wife would tell the H what happened making her look like a fool. If he is trying to work things out with her right now there is nothing you can do to change his mind- he needs to figure it all out. I know it's a really tough thing to hear but by putting up with this and keeping contact with him you are telling him it's ok for you to be second stringer girl. In other words- if things don't work out with the wife don't worry you have a back up plan. Is that really what you want to be? A back up plan? I think distancing yourself from him is the best because it lets him know you are a proud and strong woman who wants to be first or not at all and it lets him feel what its like to not have you around. He needs to know what not having you at his beck and call feels like just as much as he needs to wake up to his decision to get out of a dead marriage. I really hope everything works out and he's man enough to see what's really going on!! Keep us posted and good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
Mon, 11-24-2003 - 8:25am
Well, I had a nice long post to you and then I lost it, UGH!

To sum it up...I wouldn't have given that jewelry back to either of them NO HOW, NO WAY! It was a gift and the simple fact that you returned it to his wife is proof that you are far from a "gold digger". IMHO what happened is he told her about the jewerly and she told him he had to ask for it back and he was too much of coward to ask you for it so she came to get it...that's just what I think happened.

I think that he's definately made you the other woman by continuing your A while he's "working on his marriage". Do you really wanna sit on the side line and play second-string? By staying involved with him he will never make a secure and firm decision about whether to stay or leave his marriage...and no matter what you do or say you'll always end up the bad ass...

*hugs*

cl-liberalgirl

callmeliberal@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-24-2003 - 12:23pm
expedition -- why did you give that gift back?? just because the W asked for it, didn't mean you had to return anything MM gave you. it was a GIFT, not her jewelry he took from her to give to you (or maybe it was?!). but don't blame the W, you gave it back willingly.

and yes, MM has made you THE OTHER WOMAN!. you didn't go into the R that way, but he has changed all the rules (with your encouragement i might add). so now he gets his cake (the W) and eats it too (YOU!).

first, you need to figure out if you want to put forth much more headaches, heartaches and efforts to be with this man, just to get a little bit of attention (and some sex) back from him. if the answer is "yes" then you have to tell him to choose now - either go back to the M and his W, or be with you. take some control back in this situation and stand up for yourself. keep your self-respect and take a step or two away to think this out. only YOU can decide what is best for you!

good luck,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-24-2003 - 1:39pm
wow - your MM is an incrediblely selfish jerk by dropping you like that because his wife wanted him back. Its his a$$ he wants to cover and he is using you as much as he is using the wife. And wife seems to be a piece of work too - with her demanding the gift from him to you. You are definitely in an unenviable situation. Can you slowly work your way out of this mess - meet/date new men while you are seeing the MM. That way, you don't have to initiate no contact but still fall 'out of love' with this man when you meet somebody you like more and who is available. Its not easy to be in an EMA and if the good outweighs the bad, you are better of walking away before you become anymore involved with this MM. Good Luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
Mon, 11-24-2003 - 2:38pm
First I must say that I am not in a very good mood today. I would call the guy and tell him he has 24 hours to get that gift back in my little manicured hand or risk me calling wifey and spilling my guts. I would go as far as saying I have a video tape of your latest romp together or a tape of your last conversation. How did she know about the gift? Why would she want it?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-24-2003 - 2:50pm
OMG secret, girl, LMAO over here!! "little manicured hand" i just LOVE IT!!

you are too funny when you're in a bad mood.

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Wed, 11-26-2003 - 3:01am
Hey, is he sleeping with both of you? If he is, then that is a definite NO NO in my book. No way would I tolerate someone sleeping with the wife and coming to me...if that's the case, that would be enough to make me walk away. The wife is bad news, I wouldn't have given her the gift, I wouldn't even talk to her. I would hang up if she calls me. Actually, I would probably yell at her for calling and bothering me. Not my fault she couldn't control her wandering husband and their marriage didn't work out in the first place. Those girls are right, I agree with them totally, you should talk to him and have him pick either one of you. My MM is separated too, and doesn't have much contact w/ wife unless kid is involved. If she was still in picture, or if they're trying to make it work...then no way am I going to be that stupid and stick around. Besides, she can't move back....I come over 3-4 nights a week. So there! Besides, I'm younger and she's just a cold fish anyways...

Why did you encourage them to get back together? You don't mind if they got back together? Why, why,... I wouldn't have done that. I would be like you better not talk to her that much, I don't like it. Oh well, I guess you can either wait to see if they can get back together permanently or asking him to pick one. If it were me, if my separated M did this to me, I would be out the door. I'm jealous when he eats dinner with his parents and they invite the wife hoping to make things work between them, since the parent's don't know about me, so if he tells me he's going back to her, I would tell him to BUG OFF (hehe). I'm not really in a good mood either.

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