In serious trouble!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
In serious trouble!
6
Tue, 11-25-2003 - 3:00am
This is my first time posting here although I've lurked often. I really need any and all advice/opinions on the following issue due to not being able to tell anyone about it. Sorry if its long. I met OM in April and we started hanging out. Our actual affair started about a month later. I have been not so happily married for about 5yrs. I left H twice in this 7 mo. period and each time OM and I were together w/o stating there was a relationship. My family knows we "dated" during these separations. About 5 weeks ago OM and I pretty well called it off after I had been separated for about 3 weeks.H and I decide to give it one last try. Now, Im pg. H and I could not have children and have even been to a fertility specialist who said even IVF was a very small chance. I only have one ovary left. H has low sperm count. I know it belongs to OM. H knows that to and we had agreed to not tell OM and raise it as our own. However, I buckled and called OM last night. He said he would do whatever I wanted him to do. During our conversation I realized how much I really love OM.I have been so sick and talking to him really lifted my spirits and released my stress. Hearing his laugh almost made my heart float. Both men would make great fathers, OM has 2 DD's and takes good care of them even though his X has full custody. He also has a great family I would be proud for my child to be a part of. But financially H is so much better off and has insurance and the child would want for nothing. This would be our only child. But H's family is awful, I consider them basically trash and I have nothing to do with them myself. I'm caught between OM and H. I dont know what to do. I dont know if it would be right to raise a child never telling them the truth. But how right would it be to let them know they came from an affair? Should I leave H and pursue a relationship with OM? Or should I stay where I know there is a stable home? Any advice is GREATLY appreciated, anything anyone wants to say or if you have ever been in the situation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
Tue, 11-25-2003 - 9:59am
Who has your heart? My H is also very financially well off. It's hard to leave the security when a child is involved. I want my son to have every advantage in life. But I also know my son will be OK if I am not living with his father. Do you love H? If OM knows about the baby is he going to want to be a apart of the child's life if you stay with H? Keep us posted.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2003
Tue, 11-25-2003 - 10:03am
All I can do for you is tell you what happened in my case. I got prgnt with another man's baby, I was unwed and my soon to be husband accepted this child as his own, we got married and raised this child as our own and swore we would never tell the child otherwise.

Flash forward 10 years, we got divorced and he remarried, his new wife felt this child had a right to know everything. I was against it totally.

The truth came out and our child was devastaed. The child paid a dear price for OUR lie.

We should have told our child he was adopted from the very begining but we stuck to that lie for 10 years. My child has serious problems now and is very angry and rebellious and hurting because he was LIED to.

Which ever direction you go, don't lie to this child, a lie always comes back on you ones like this always does.

You have to think of your baby and the life you want for it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Tue, 11-25-2003 - 10:21am

I have to agree with the previous poster. No matter who you decide to stay with, do not lie to your child. Children have enough obsticles to overcome don't add not being able to trust your parents to the list. The secrect will eventually come out. They always have a way of rearing their ugly heads. But a child knowing that they were loved and wanted, no matter how they were concieved...has a much better chance of stability.


Stability is easy to stay for...but in my experience now..I'd go for love. Ever heard "If momma ain't happy, nobody's happy" it's so true. Your child will benefit more from you being happy...then having "everything the want" monitarily. It's tough..you're emotional...scared..hormones...Maybe you need to speak to a councelor. Unbiased...maybe even your Ob/gyn or they can recommend someone.


just don't lie to your child


Haunted

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Fri, 11-28-2003 - 1:54am
Thanks so much for your replies. I find myself really needing people to talk to or listen. I do love OM but due to not getting a divorce from H. He has never expressed that he loves me. His actions tell it, but he wont say it. H got real tacky the other night, talking about separating and commented on it not being his child. I talked to OM tonight. I had some medical questions to ask and he acted like it was a huge inconvenience even though I left him a msg that he could get in contact with me whenever was good for him. I havent been pushy to either guy and I'm trying to let each one make their own decisions. OM says if I stay with H he will stay out of it. But if I leave H then he has a responsibility to take care of the child. I have tried to be as nice as possible about the situation but I'm getting pissed! OM said to give him a few minutes to put DD's to bed and then I could say whatever I "feel" like I need to say. Maybe I'm just moody, but it isnt exactly things I "feel" like saying its things that NEED to be discussed. I really dont know what to do, some days H is great and tries to be helpful and gets excited about the baby. I know this is hard on him, I would be furious if it was the other way around. Thats the reason I have been trying to not force decisions on him. I'm not in love with him anymore but I love him. I crave OM and he has been there for me when I was begging H to be there and he wouldnt and we've been through a lot together in the last couple of months that most people never deal with in their lifetime. This is really hard on me, my family is so excited they all adore my H. I'm so scared of making a wrong decision.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 11-28-2003 - 5:13pm
"Gosh Batman, this situation sounds like a real mess, even worse than yours!"

"Exactly what I was thinking Boy Wonder. Maybe I should share my experience with her."

"But Batman, won't that just confuse things more??"

"Perhaps, but it never hurts to try."

OK, so the humor's bad, but everyone needs to laugh when the chips are down. I feel like I must tell you this because it will force you into a situation that no one wants to be in. That is, stuck in an empty relationship with kids. Trust me, I know. When I got married, there were several indications that I shouldn't have done it. I ignored all the warning signs and went through with it anyway. Well about two years of a lousy married life went by. One day my wife said "I want to have kids." I thought, gee if she wants kids, maybe that will make everything fine. It didn't. Don't get me wrong, my kids are the best thing that ever happened to me, but their mother isn't. As such, I'm stuck here for the interim, watching the days go by, trying to keep my sanity, contemplating an affair or whatever. Life was not meant to be this way, that's for sure. It sounds like you don't love your husband. Get out while you still can. If you don't, you will find yourself being Chief Engineer on the Titanic. That is, you're on a sinking ship but you have to stay to keep the lights going and the pumps running - to buy people (your kids) time to safely get off knowing that when they do, your life is effectively done. Any responsible person will tell you that having kids is the single largest impact on your life. Consider this and all the possiblities before going ahead, because when you do, there is no turning back. Whatever the decision, I hope it can bring you peace of mind we all deserve.


Edited 11/28/2003 8:10:55 PM ET by lostvoyage

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Fri, 11-28-2003 - 7:24pm
I have been there done that. don't know what to say because I am not sure if I have made the best decision in my life. However, if you want to talk, you can always write to me. I have a baby by another man. My choice may not be smiled upon by many, but for me it was the best solution to the situation at the time. Anyway I am here for you if you need to talk.

messedupconfused@yahoo.com