Hugs for those of you hurting...

Avatar for mikkolover
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Hugs for those of you hurting...
5
Tue, 11-25-2003 - 3:19am
And it sounds like a lot of you out there. I am still a bit of a mess. After blocking him from sending text-messages and email, stil nothing. I wrote a poem last week, and sent it to him, but still feel the NEED to call. Thanks to you all I WON*T though. I dream about him though, and of course things are better in dreams, and that hurts. But I chose to end it and have to stick with that.

I have gotten some great advice, heard some wise words, and will just relay them back to you all again, and maybe we can help eachother. And maybe you read these and think its all bologna, but someday it will click and you will know that somethings are true.

( These are especially for those with NC at the moment, and are hurting.. )

1)Remember to keep your pride ladies.

2)In this day in age there is NO exuse for NC for more than a day or two. If someone cares about you and you are IN their life, they WILL find a way to get to you. Otherwise its a big sign.

3)Keep us close here on the board, and DON*T CONTACT HIM.

4)This too, you will get over. (I know that sounds impossible, but really it MUST be true)

5) Sorry, the pride thing again. It rang like a church bell through my head and still does in moments of desperation.. good luck to you all.

You can read my painful poem below, but i am not looking for fans, its what i felt, what i sent, what he has undoubtedly recieved and what was right for me.

good luck and happy turkey day, ( and turkey day is no excuse for NC.. sorry)

**********************************************************************************

I leap eyes shut tight, into the darkest oblivion that is the forbidden.

Dying to feel you by my side and know for just a few moments you were mine.

I give with my entire being. I sacrifice, trust, wash away your pain with my tears.

I have lied because of you, felt pain for you, ached and longed for you.

You stole it all, fast and clean and buried it deep in the darkest corner of your children’s room

So you may go and admire it and know that this stolen treasure was yours. A part of you when you needed it to be.

You lie, you dare to play with these treasures, lust for them, crave them, need them, ache for them, until they become as mundane as your own life.

The shiny coating worn thin, only the dull glint of tin below still tempting you.

But although you thought they would still be there when you were ready to play again, they collectively grew legs, gathered their broken pieces that you roughly casted aside to admire other shiny things, and they walked right out your door.

Laughing and pointing at you and all you wasted in being a coward. Hiding behind your God, your village, your job, yourself. Hiding behind inanimate objects that have long ago lost their luster.

Pity and contempt is all I have for it all now. Given in the form of golden showers, free to piss on whatever fire that was started, that burned brightly for a second the kindling was strong, only to be blown out by fear and indifference.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Tue, 11-25-2003 - 10:49am
You are so right about the keeping our pride and don't contact him. I've been disappointed so many times with being cancelled on at the last moment. Or not hearing anything for days at a time with no notice and no good excuses for it. After all, it only takes a moment to say "hi, I'm really busy but thinking of you". Well, MM used to do that, not lately it seems.

And today we were suppposed to get together, normally I would be up early, getting prepared, all excited for our little date. But today, I just am not into it at all. I've been disappointed too much lately it seems.

And there you go, I haven't even heard from him this morning, which means there won't be any time together today after all.

So here I sit, but you know what? I'm not going to contact him. Let him get in touch with me and say what his excuse was. Because to tell you the truth, I was going to make up an excuse not to see him today anyways!!

So there, 2 can play that game.

Sorry, just feeling a little crabby today.
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Tue, 11-25-2003 - 11:25am
mikko,

Thanks for the support -- you continue to be strong!!




dusty,

I think you were (in your mind) doing the right thing for yourself in not meeting him today (even though it didn't quite work out anyway). If it's not making you feel good about yourself, you should absolutley pull back!!! Don't let him pull the strings!!!!!! Next time you hear from him, you should tell him 'point blank' that if he wants to continue this relationship with you, you will not accept this behavior. The fact that this is an A does not make it "ok" -- it's not. You absolutely deserve to be treated with respect. I think you should tell him this and let the chips fall where they may. Good luck hon!!

Charlotte

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Tue, 11-25-2003 - 11:33am
Thanks Charlotte, you are absolutely right. Its 11:30, we usually meet at noon. To not even get in touch, is so rude. Its just making me pretty angry to think about how I'm just making myself available to his schedule and he doesn't give a darn about mine.

I'll wait til I hear from him because I am not going to contact him. And then I may just tell him a piece of my mind. I hope I'm still in the same mood when that happens!!

Its just that, its not worth it. Not to constantly get your hopes up and have the disappointment. And this has happened many, many times.

Thanks for your support.

xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2003
Tue, 11-25-2003 - 12:32pm
Hi girls....


Dusty... had a feeling you were dealing with this NC BS again, hadn't

seen many posts from you lately. I appreciate all your support and wanted to

say .... just take one day at a time... I know lately that is all i can get through,

and sometimes that means going to bed by 9:00 so I don't have to think anymore.

NC 12 days now.. and I can't take it anymore... not calling anymore myself, left

3 messages last week and one this week, but sounded tough so i don't feel

so foolish.

Also,I agree there is no excuse for no call, I keep telling myself he knows where

to find me and I know we used to be together every Friday or at the least

once a month...

Mikko thanks for the poem... not there yet, but hope to get angry enough to say

piss on him too!!!! you keep going girl... i know it hurts and you want to call

but don't put yourself there again... there's no repsonse from them anyway,

so (telling myself this) what's the point.

I guess just venting to the source is my thing,not going away quietly...

I don't know,

I really don't.... Trying so hard to keep focused on the here and now,

but i am prone to tears everyday and I hate that. I feel broken and needy

and foolish and I hate that too.

Thanks to all of you for being there...sorry I am so sad today, just can't shake

it right now..... going to my therapist, hope she has the tissues handy.

hugs to you.

deb

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Tue, 11-25-2003 - 12:46pm
Hi Deb, you're right, I've been kind of still dealing with the NC thing, its really off and on. I'm pretty well at his beck and call when he's in the mood for that, and froze out when he's not.

As for you, I hope you're going to be okay. 12 days NC, BTDT. Its rough when you want most of all to hear from them. If I had a dollar for every tear!! Hope you start to feel better sweetie. Or at least, start to feel the anger a little bit. I was really getting to that anger stage before he broke our NC. Now I just don't have the patience I used to have.

And I think he knows that now.

Anyways, you hang in there. Just remember, what's meant to be will be. And try to maintain NC. I plan on doing that. I'm worth more than that kind of treatment, AND SO ARE YOU!! I don't plan on putting up with this kind of s*** anymore.
xxxx